I haven't felt like I could confide in anyone for at least the past through months. And so I haven't. And I feel like I'm going to burst. Everything feels like its moving a touch too fast for me and I just really want to have a real friend to stop with and just heal for awhile. I don't feel like I've ever had a friend I could do that with, meaningfully. And I can't take that anymore. I don't warm up to people well or quickly; I feel like if I don't start a relationship now, it'll never happen. Because I'm so fixated on this, I just can't get excited or invested in much for long anymore; I don't feel like I can describe my likes and dislikes well when approaching them directly anymore. Most any good mood I get in is only a temporary distraction. I'm awkward and self-conscious when I go somewhere new with no one I know; I want to meet new people, just more people, but there's no way to incorporate someone I already know into any social situations that I might be in.

The idea of telling this frankly to the people I already know doesn't feel promising. It's always been so hard to talk about myself and this would involve outright saying that I don't consider us friends anymore. I don't even really care that we're not friends anymore; it feels like I just have three acquaintances and I can live with that. What I'm scared of is it ending entirely: no more interactions, no people who might be around to talk with, nothing. I'd only have my family then. Not that I'd be stuck with them, that they'd be all I have.

The worst is, I'm intellectual enough to see the other sides. If I weren't so picky about wanting someone near me, I could try to make friends on the internet. If I weren't so introverted, I could meet people better. If I weren't so repressed, I could talk to people better. If I could budget my time better, I'd have more time that was filled with less stress. If I brought this up with friends, it's just as possible that they would want to start up things fresh.

Right now, I wish for someone to just walk into my room and hold me while I cry and cling to them for awhile.