I am not working on anything right now as starkad isn't able to keep up with his ToDo list.
I even highly doubt that we will have the Thank You items finished by August.
As always he promised me he would have them done by date X, but didn't do anything at all so far. It's always the same. I wouldn't be so upset when he just told me "Sorry, I don't have time", but he keeps telling me "I'll have that done by then and then" or "I'll have time for you next week" but then he doesn't do a thing.
I know he really has a lot to do at his job, but whenever he has some spare time he keeps partying with his friends which always shows me how everything else is so much more important than me. I wouldn't promise anyone "I'll do this for you" and then just go to some LAN party instead. But he always does things like this. It's not that I don't grant him having fun in his free time, he'd probably go nuts if work (no matter whether for his job or this site).
I know I don't have any right to complain, it's not really any of my business what he does in his free time and if getting drunk or smoking pot with his friends each night is what fulfills his everyday life I should just keep my mouth shut.
I think I am rather disappointed than upset... I just have the feeling I am doing art and art and art for this site every day, putting so much time and effort into this and it's all for nothing because he'll never add it to the site anyway. And when I try to do something on my own, like when I tried to make some people moderators and messed up with the control panel he complained about it and asked why I tried to do it on my own instead of asking him? WHY? Because I knew if I asked him he wouldn't have any time.
There is no point in having the art prepared for the next 20 years when there is no one to implement the stuff I make to the site, so don't expect anything new from me here for quite a while.
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate starkad and all the work he put into this for me. I am still more thankful for the things he has done for the site than unhappy about the things he hasn't done. I hope I don't sound too unthankful, because that's not how I feel.
I just wish he would be able to tell me "I don't have the time to make this for you" openly, and I wish he wouldn't pretend that he can't do all this stuff just because of work (as I've said, even though I know that his job really takes up a lot of his time), when I know that he keeps meeting with his friends every day. I mean, it's "Thursday - Elli's party, Friday - Mandy's party, Saturday - LAN party, Sunday - Roleplaying, Monday - Meeting with his Ex-girlfriend, Thuesday - Roleplaying" this week. I felt a bit fooled when he told me "Sorry, that I have a job" in a very pissed off voice when I asked him about the Thank you items today and why he hasn't worked on them yet like he promised me to.
It's just this lies and excuses, and this getting postponed because everyone and everything else is more important than me. He always makes me feel as if I was the last shit on earth not worth anything and that everything else comes first.
I hate bothering him about this site so much, sometimes I really wish I could just never call/see/write him again, so he would stop making me feel like this.
I am sorry for my ranting here, it's just that I feel really bad right now, I am so sick and tired of all of this, because I want to stop depending on starkad or any other person in my life and just when I think I managed to, this site puts me back into this position I hate so much, where I have to rely on him. As if this wasn't bad enough his behaviour forces me to ask again and again about when he'll do something for the site reminding me about this situation each time I have to ask. This is kind of private, but I am really trying hard to manage my life on my own, not to depend on anyone else, especially not on starkad, but this site just won't let me. I hate KOfK on days like this, because something that was supposed to be fun suddenly puts me into this bondage that makes me depend on other people.
Thinking this over (or better said, re-reading what I wrote) I rather feel that I am not so upset about starkad not doing what I asked him for, but rather about the fact that I depend on him and just can't do this on my own. I should be more mad at me than at him...I probably even am.
Now I feel stupid.
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