I thought I had control, I thought I'd be able to just stop when I wanted to. I couldn't.

I'm currently inpatient at the psychiatric ward because of my anorexia as well as sui thoughts and plans, and I'm 20 y/o. My eating disorder has taken away my entire life, I feel like I've got nothing left. I can't enjoy a meal with my family or go to a birthday party and have a piece of cake, neither can I sit down and watch a movie, can't even sit down and read. All because of calorie counting and wanting to burn as much as possible.

There isn't a minute in my life that doesn't go to the anorexia, and I'm so sick of it. I wish I could just enjoy life as before, but I can't, and I'm so far from having recovered - I'm not even sure if I've even begun.

Realizing that anorexia has taken over my life has made me feeling very depressed and I have thoughts about ending my life, because I feel like I don't have the strength to pull through. I feel incredibly alone in this, and I don't even feel like I'd be killing myself if I ended it, but only the anorexia, because I'm not me, I'm just an empty shell of whom I used to be, all that's left is this horrible disorder.

I'd really appreciate if someone would just write to me, anything. Do you relate to what I've written or maybe we could start role playing on this site together to pass time? I'd love a new friend, it gets quite lonely here sometimes at the ward (and as if that's not boring enough, I'm not even allowed to go outside...).

Take care!

Hi Strawberry!

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling. There's not a lot I can offer except words of encouragement for your battle with anorexia, but I can help with depression. I've suffered with that for a long time and it's not an easy road to get off of, but it is an illness and you can get better.

Life is worth living, so keep going. You've made it this far, you can make it to next month. And the month after. And you'll push forward again and again and before you know it you're living again.

I'm on KofK frequently so feel free to message me and chat, or let me know if you have any RP ideas!

Why can't you go outside? Do they think you're going to run? :/ I hate that. Outdoor time is really appreciated when you're stuck.

I have a friend who is going through a similar ordeal. She's a bit better now but she'll still throw up food sometimes when she doesn't like the nutritional info.
It's hard to watch and I don't know what to tell her. I tell her I think she's beautiful and I want her to be healthy. But I have to be careful because anything can put her over the edge.

Which is why I am iffy on saying anything. I don't want to trigger anything. I know this disorder is very deeply rooted.

It's brave of you to come out like this. Don't give up just yet. You can recover. You've only lived 1/5 of your life. I know what you mean about how you think it wouldn't really be killing you but the anorexia.. but the anorexia is a part of you. You can expel it. You will need help but there is no shame in that. Don't feel bad if you get knocked down. And you are not alone. Not at all.

I'm going to come off as an annoying, well-meant but ultimately naive mom here but:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forum

Maybe these resources will help. If they make you more upset, I apologize.

I know my friend got put on some medication to help with OCD, along with other things. Maybe they will find a solution like that for you. It's not a cure-all but it might help with the mental duress. There is hope for you yet.

I wish you the best of luck. You can PM me anytime.

Are you allowed to play games on your computer there? There are some free online games we could play, like Town of Salem or something.

Take things one day at a time. Even getting out of bed each day is a victory.

healing takes time and you WILL get there, its good that your seeking help for this, things can only get better from here on out because you know whats wrong with you and you know you need help and thats great, help is ALWAYS avaible to those who desire it. Your a brave beautiful person, never forget that, your worth it, ignore that niggling in your brain telling you otherwise, do you have any hobbies? they will help keep you focused, you will start enjoying life, you will start to enjoy eating, its a day by day process... i wish you the best of luck in your healing journey <3

Have things improved, Strawberry?