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K*** and I were able to laugh about this earlier, but it really is unbearable. If we say/feel something that doesn't add up to how you think things should be or are, then you don't hesitate to tell us we're wrong. But if we comment on how you're wrong about something, no matter how small, we're the bad guys and you're clearly right (unless we fight you and fight you hard on it, and only if we finish with some evidence that shows point-blank that you're wrong). Do you seriously think your opinion and knowledge is so absolute and so infallible?
Of course I don't feel comfortable speaking up, particularly to you, ever about anything. Of course I only bring things up when I have no other option or am 100% confident that I'll get a positive response. I've been completely conditioned to expect being told I'm wrong. Every time something I express is corrected or something I ask is criticized, any amount of self-confidence that I've got is gone. It's not an entitlement thing; I'm not looking to be told I'm right. I just want some encouragement, so maybe I can think I'm worth something and worth being around people.
You acted so offended recently, when I've been trying to avoid submitting that protege application, as if I'm doing this because I don't want to get a job ever. The truth is, my self-worth is in the toilet; I don't want someone, someone who decided to take time out of their busy schedule to mentor, to have to waste their time on me because I don't see how I'm worth that. (I'm sure my feelings about driving fall under this somewhere.)
You complain that all I want to do is stay at home and how I need to get out and meet people. I just can't. I don't know how other people do it, but I need so much time and such an objective setting to acclimate myself to another person. I don't initially trust people. I don't like telling them things until I comfortably know them. How can I know that what they say and how they act are true and honest? They could be going along with what I want because they want to be around me or using their knowledge maliciously just to set me up. I don't think it's flattering or a sign of a good relationship for one side to bend to the will of the other, or for the latter to expect that of the former. I'm used to being on the "bendable" side and I don't ever want someone to go through that for my sake. Though that just might be my worthless feeling poking through again.
Though without all of this, I probably wouldn't have the same empathy I do now. Even watching some fictional thing, I'm usually the last to put down characters and their motivations. Everyone else might see Hikaru being selfish and a brat for telling Sai he couldn't play during his first-dan match, but underneath that I see all the work Hikaru had to go through to build his reputation up from the ground after letting Sai play when he was a nobody, of course he couldn't just hand the reins when he was finally in the public eye. Silly (Fictional characters really always been real to me, just like people. They seem even more real now; everyone new I come into contact with just feels so... one dimensional or personality/problem-less.), but that always comes up as the definitive example. In the recent class I had, the professor brought up "suspension of disbelief" and it really resonated with my own empathy; that never could have happened without being raised a doormat like I was.
If I say I feel fat, don't tell me how skinny I am or how much I just ate or how I haven't exercised today. Can't you say something like, "let's go take a walk/exercise/be active now together"?
If you ask me if I'm interested in [doing] something and I respond neutrally/negatively, please don't take it personally. You've said it yourself that if you're not happy about something, you'll say it and not pretend otherwise. Why can't I have that courtesy? Sure I might end up liking whatever this is, but in the moment of the question, I don't want to act fake.
It's near impossible for me to ignore the things I think or to juggle them without resolving them. I don't really have friends anymore to talk to and freely express myself. You might not think you're putting me down, but you are. And it's getting unbearable.
It's insane. I can't remember or pin-point a time where I went from just being quiet and shy and worried about the future to being so alone and depressed and... lost.
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![[Jennifer]](ava/29579.jpg&m=1 "[Jennifer]")
