Kingdom of Knuffel

I'm not sure if I've posted here before but here goes:

My friends think that I'm a virgin because I've never had sex before. In truth I was a friends with benefits to a guy who none of them liked because I had such low self esteem that I honestly thought there wouldn't be any other guy out there who would want to sleep with me.

My family thinks I'm the most carefree out of all of my siblings because I rarely get angry and I'm always smiling. In truth it's really hard for me to remember when I actually felt happy or satisfied by anything that I did and I only smile because I don't want them to worry.

Sometimes I've dreamed about what would have happened if I died and sometimes I catch myself thinking that if I ever found out that I had a life threatening disease I would rather go untreated and die rather than let anyone know.

I secretly really hate myself because I know there's nothing in my life that I can really complain about (my family loves me, I have great friends, getting trough collage, etc.) and yet I just can't bring myself to be happy about it. I'm a horrible person for complaining when I know for a fact that my friends have rougher lives than I do.

Feel like everyday I'm sad.