Kingdom of Knuffel

grandma, stop touching my chest, stop touching anywhere on me.

I don't feel like a basic part of my own life. It's like watching myself from outside, wasting my time with reading - which I love - but that's like... nothing.

And it's Christmas. Everyone is spending time with family and friends.

And I feel alone.

I mean, Jesus is with me. Which is good.

But I'd like some of my friends and my parents to be with me as well...

I feel like an outsider.

It is partially caused by my laziness.

But, I don't know.

I can't really spend time with my parents.

Sometimes I try, I walk near them and... no response.

The tv is more interesting.

And I give up and go back in my room and keep reading. My eyes kinda hurt. I'm tired.

Yesterday I didn't want to go near people because it was weird not being able to smile even though it's Christmas.

Oh and what makes this worse is that most of the time I was like my parents atm too... In my room. Spending time on my computer. Not even looking at them when they talked to me. I know I'm a horrible person.

Well, God, I don't really know what to tell you, I don't feel like praying but I felt like telling someone about my current thoughts. It's a shame that I choose this forum instead of you. But I'm writing these words as a letter to you as well. You know I prefer writing over talking...

And even like this I feel that you love me. Thanks for being with me. *hugs*

People mistake skimming for reading nowadays.

And people sometimes like to assume that the person reads EVERYTHING put in front of them.

In real life, online, it doesn't matter. Very few (if any) read the entire anything unless it's very very short. (Unless it's very interesting, which usually it isn't, I don't read it all. I skim it at best.)

But on a different topic, some people in my family act like they love grandpa so much, but give bullshit reasons for not going up there during the holidays...and they never go up there any other time.

And this year, the other side of the family didn't tell anyone in my little pocket (my mom and her relatives side...the not step family part) when or where the Christmas thing was. They are either trying to get rid of us or assume we know....when it started it was at the communited center on Christmas Eve...like at supper time...at some point it did move to lunch (not sure when in all of this) then it moved to my aunt's house....once it was God knows where and no one told us (I was not happy with that) then back to the aunt's....last year it was at a church. I can't just know when and where....and I really wanted to go...especially since they moved thanksgiving and none of us knew where....which means Christmas was my only chance to see some of them T-T