Kingdom of Knuffel

Omg so many words for my very distracted mind lol. I’ll have to read that later when I’m not watching tv lol. @u@ I need a tl;dr version lol.

Um.

I don't know how to distil it down.

I can blather on all day but summing up is difficult.

Any good editor-types around to help out with that?

Lol I’ll read it later. When my brain isn’t distracted by tv lol.

My brain isn't distracted and I had difficulty reading that because as Akili said, it made no sense XD Like, give me some solution, woman, don't leave me with the question of "then how do I talk to people at all?" XD
I would tell your mom she's not helpful in that instance xD
Is your mom a philosopher or anthropologist or something? I coudln't help but imagine a very distinguished 19th-century-looking lady with a tiny pink teacup in her hand (mandatory pinky sticking away, of course), lol.


We're on a heat wave here and I want to die. Here's my weather report for ya xD

Lol maybe it is partly philosophy.

It’s currently 26C which is around 78F. It’s warm but not overwhelming. I need to wash my hands tho. Cuz they feel sticky from holding an overheating mobile lol.

Nah, at the time she worked at an architectural firm as a drafter.

It's just...
In our family, the "basics of parenting" turn out to be not actually basic or even normal?

It was a surprise.
My brother's psychiatrist says it's because we're a line of, what did he call it? High functioning something or other. Meant our brains don't automatically learn the social patterns and behaviors.
Which means the "basics of parenting" is actually just teaching us on a conscious level how to do what other people apparently just... kind of know... as they grow up.

Which seemed really unfair to me when I heard about it.

For instance, I would babysit my youngest sibling, and one of the games we were all taught to play with children was the "invisible bubble" game where you would gradually get closer to them, and at a certain point you make a frowny face, say "oh no" and back up. And they move around and get closer to you, and you have to figure out where that invisible bubble boundary is and then make the frowny face, say "oh no" and back up when they reach it.

It's a game to teach personal space.

Apparently if your brain picks up on social cues naturally, you don't have to learn it, you just kind of figure it out.


Anyhow there were lots of things like that.


And she DID give solutions. Lots of them, because the solutions varied depending on the circumstances and what you wanted to do.
There wasn't just one solution, because it's crazy how many connotations are attached to what seems like a straight-forward thing, and she didn't want us to end up in trouble because we didn't know what the implications of our choices were.
There were lots of solutions.

There were so many solutions, we had pretend parties a couple times a week for several months.
Trying to write down everything she taught us over that long a period of time?

It would be an encyclopedia!



The one that I use most often, is, find something you're interested in but don't know much about -ESPECIALLY if the interest is not very deep.
Then say something along the lines of, "I have a little interest in [insert subject here] and was wondering if you know anything about [choose a BASIC aspect of the subject here]? No worries if you don't, I just thought I'd ask in case!"

Then it splits into a lot of ways it can go.
If they don't know anything about it, you've still introduced a non-threatening subject that isn't really that personal to either of you.
You've opened the door of conversation.
Even if they don't know anything about what you brought up, now there's a neutral topic.
They can ask you about what you do know.
If they do, great, conversation started.
They can ask how you first got interested
If they do, great, conversation started.
They can suggest someone else they know who might know about this topic.
If they do, and the person is present, you can choose to either go talk to them, and now you have a guaranteed topic readily available, or you can say "Oh, I'll seek them out later, thanks" and move on to another conversation gambit.
If they suggest someone else and the person is not present, you can use this as the next conversation gambit, ie "Oh? Tell me about them!" -follow-ups available are things like "how did you meet?" "How did you find out they knew about this?" "Will they expect me to already know a lot, because I'm still a beginner at [whatever it was]?" "Oh, are you good at networking? I'm not great at that, can you give me some advice?"

But. If you chose something relatively common as your interest, and something relatively basic as your question, chances are good they DO know something about it.
That's why you go for the basic query.
You have to choose some relatively basic question because it greatly increases the chance they've heard of it or know something about it. Which is why it's better if you choose a subject where your interest isn't that intense -that way your knowledge is shallow. There's a good chance they'll be able to fill you in on an aspect you didn't know about yet.
Which, because of your interest, you'll be able to listen to without going crazy.
And, because they know about it, they'll feel validated and good about themselves because they can provide something needed by another person (apparently that's a thing common to most healthy humans; people who don't feel good about themselves when able to contribute to others, aren't people you want to interact with, so run if they seem angry for no reason when asked about the topic, okay? And then when you're safe, ask someone you trust about the topic you chose in case there was something you didn't realize about it).


Anyhow, doing that a lot with lots of different people means you get to slowly learn more about things you're interested in, and they usually default to that topic when interacting with you so the social stuff gets channeled in a way you prefer. You have a safe fall-back to talk about with them, and you buy time to slowly explore what works and doesn't work as you talk with them.

So that's usually my default.


And if you end up learning too much about a topic so you've run out of basic things to ask, you choose another interest.

Lol I see. That’s a lot to take in Aki. XD;;

Well, that's why being social is hard!

There's always a lot to consider and think about.



According to my brother, not everyone has to consciously think about it all the time. It's like they have a cheat-code for being sociable.

I always thought extroverts were just people who really liked the challenge of it, kind of like adrenaline-junkies are thrill-seekers in the physical sense, I thought extroverts and social-type people were thrill-seekers in the social sense.

But apparently, they just have a cheat-code. They never have to think about this stuff at all, so being social isn't a challenge to begin with.


I'm still on the fence about whether or not I believe him about that though.
There are an awful lot of people who love to live on the edge, one way or another.
I feel like that's enough to account for it already?

Yes being social is hard. That’s why small talk is much easier. Less thinking. Lol

Well, no, all talk requires thinking.
It's just if you can manage to sort of pre-sort and pre-think the common situations so you have a response ready, or if you have to do the thinking on the spot because it's a case that doesn't fall into the categories you've already figured out.
"small talk" vs "deep conversation" doesn't really change the thinking requirements?
It just changes the level of emotional involvement.
That's why, to a die-hard fan, talking about their idol isn't "small talk", it's super meaningful.
But to someone who's only heard of them in passing, it counts as "small talk"

But maybe you have a different definition? I would very much like to know if you do, because that could trip me up, if people are referring to something else when they use a phrase I think I know....