I want to talk you though.
What happened to our rules? Why do you always break them? They're like promises to me and you constantly break them or find some way around them. Why does it feel like we never see eye to eye about anything? Why is that when I think of something as one way, later on you say, "no, I meant it like this?"
I guess it's because we're human. We're people and people love in different ways. Some people are more comfortable showing their affection through possessions, others through touch, others through words... There are all kinds of different ways for people to show affection to one another.

I understand that everyone loves differently. Honey, I think we love each other much too differently. Since we see things so differently I don't see how we could be soulmates and I can't see how you think that when I'm always so sad, feeling as if you've broken a million promises to me while you go one and act like you've done nothing wrong.
I guess you haven't done anything wrong, it's just a misunderstanding. A miscommunication. Miscommunication.

We aren't going to bed with one another anymore. You fall asleep on me. We aren't telling each other we love each other anymore.
I know we love each other, but it's just a misunderstanding. A miscommunication.

I wish you never told me you thought we were soulmates because every time you hurt me in even the smallest way and then not realize it, it just makes it seem like we aren't at all what you think we are. It's been so long, it happens so often, but you never know. Really?

Another thing, I guess. I'm glad you've made a new friend. I know you've wanted them for a long time. We stopped being together when you made them though. Whenever I made friends I never left you behind. I told you I loved you, I texted you through my conversations with other people, I gave you all my time. I've given you so much. You've known this new person for like two months and we've barely spoken to each other at all since then. You forget about me. You may say you don't, but I feel like you do. I know I'm boring and new people are exciting...
I just want you to stop lying to me.
"I'm not lying to you."
You're a liar.
"I love you."
I believe you. I do. I know you love me, you just love me differently from how I love you. There's nothing I can do to change that though I guess.

I'm going to be lonelier than ever when I move to be with you, aren't I? I'm going to be lonely and stranded while you are out with your new friends. I can't go anywhere. I don't know anyone. I won't be able to do anything and if something happens I'm trapped. I'm stranded. Across the country from anyone or anything I know. What do I do then?

You don't understand anything. You never do, you say you do and then you go and do something completely against what you just said you understood? You never listen to me. You never ever listen. Just for once just listen to me please.
"I listen to you."
Like fuck you do. You listen and then choose to forget it right away then I guess.
You make me think I'm insane, but now I don't think I am. I think there really is an issue with our relationship and whenever I think it's resolved, you shit on it. Basically.

It is so sad how comfortable you are being without me. Why can't you see what I see? I can understand why you can't feel what I'm feeling, but why can't you see what's happening? Why can't you see it? We're growing further and further apart. I want to die.

Am I talking in riddles? Do you not understand? What is it you aren't understanding?

Well I don't think you'd fall apart if I left you or feel crushed. I still think you'd go one perfectly fine if I just died.

I can't stay in this house anymore and I can't go there apparently, so what else can I do? I'm going to be stuck in that house surrounded by people who hate me because you can't stick up for me and stranded. None of what happened when we first met was my fault and you know that, but you probably never spoke up. Let everyone talk shit about me. You're too scared to stand up for me.

I'm a joke.
I'm a complete joke. You don't care.
If you do, you have a very funny way of showing it.
2am. 2am was the rule.
2am.
no drinking.
sleep together.

That's basically it. Right? 3 very simple, reasonable rules.
I guess you want to try and make up for lost time? When you didn't really do anything? Tried to do stuff, gave up, made excuses for why you gave up...
Wow. Yea, you made up excuses and just gave up on everything. You'd say I'd make good points about things, but then never listened...
Thinking about this makes 5 years seem so so long. Makes it feel like 50 years.
Please grow up. I'm trying to grow up. I've been trying through our entire five years together. If you have something to complain about me doing/not doing, then let me hear it. I've been nothing but patient and supportive of you. Trying to give advice and help you through things. I've left so many people behind for much smaller, tinier things than what you've put me through because I decided I didn't need additional stress in my life.
I've stayed with you because I love you and I believe in you. You're very different from those other people or else I would have left by now. I think we still have a chance, but I'm so hurt right now.

This past year has been good for you. You're moving forward finally, it's great. Are you on semi-normal speaking terms with your dad now? That's great, since I know that's also something you've been wanting. You got a job. I'm so happy for you. You've got new friends. You're going to start college in January still, right? I'm really excited for you.

You need to remember I'm not being sarcastic or anything in this post because hat would be extremely pointless. I'm being sincere with you and I need to get this off my chest. It's all a big jumble of things, but you're used to it, right? We used to write big jumbled messages to each other all the time, remember?

About the "rules" that aren't actually rules... I thought they were just agreements we had to help me cope with things.
Until 2am to hang out with friends and head to bed.
Does it sound like I gave you a bed time? You suggested this. Maybe I'm too soft or something. I think 2 in the morning is a perfectly reasonable request time to have you come to bed with me though... Usually those who decide to hang out until 5am with friends instead of be with their lover is a sign of cheating or the relationship failing.

Drinking
You keep saying you'll stop
then you don't
then I say I don't care
but you say you care so you won't do it again
but then you do it again and make the excuse "i didn't say I'd stop, I said I'd do it less"
then you drink every week at least twice because that's your definition of "less" I guess

I don't understand what you're doing. I don't give a fuck anymore honestly. After you made me look like a fool to Jessica that one time about you not drinking I never expected you to ever keep your promise of not drinking. You're an alcoholic in my eyes now. Nothing you say or do will ever change that. I don't care if that incident with Jessica was once, you've broken drinking promises on multiple occasions so fuck off with that I guess. Drink John, whatever.
I just want you to stop saying you'll do one thing, then end up stopping. You do IT CONSTANTLY. You break those promises all the time. You break your word.
I guess this is fitting, right? You never keep promises so I never expect you to keep them so I start to get upset, and you doubt my love and wanting to be with you for no real reason? I wonder which makes more sense?

Sleeping with me
I just want to know that you love being with me as much as I love being with you. If anyone should be doubting someone for not wanting to be with them it should be me doubting you. I don't get distracted and not speak to you, I get busy and I'm unable to. YOU get distracted and leave me alone for an entire day if I allow you to.
You said you stalked me on Roli, right? Did you not see my post in the confessions thread? We hadn't spoken to each other the entire day before that post and on that day and I told you I missed you. You said you missed me too. I try speaking to you and you take forever to reply because apparently Tumblr is so much more interesting than me, the one you missed, or whatever. Idk.

Maybe I am crazy.
But I don't think I am... I think I have actual reasons to feel the way I do. About that Tumblr thing, we hadn't spoken much at all that week, then we had two days where we didn't speak at all... that's why I felt so hurt and not missed. So it's not completely unreasonable.

People love each other differently.
I guess they miss each other differently too.
I guess I understand that... but it sucks so much to know that you apparently don't love me how I love you. I feel like my love for you is so much stronger than yours is for me?
Maybe I just have an unhealthy love for you.
No, I don't think so...
Maybe we are too different.

I'm surprised I only mentioned wanting to die once in this thing. I thought I might have said it more, guess not.
I'm finally super calm now and I don't know what else to say to you.

I still love you. I love you very much and want to be with you.
I'm scared of you leaving me alone.
I'm scared that once I'm with you you'll basically abandon me.
Sure, LD is hard, but we've made it work before, so why is it so different now?

I was hoping that once I was with you our relationship would repair itself and things would be fine, but I don't want to go if things don't seem like they'll be fine.

"I'll be coming home to you every night."
Maybe. At 5am? At 5am to go to the computer to play League and check Tumblr? At 5am to fall asleep at 8 and sleep all day? Basically abandoning me.
I don't want that.
If that doesn't change right now, then how will I know that it will change in the future?

To me, this is the dumb thing you should be worried about me leaving you for. Not me being afraid if you'll hit me, because that isn't dumb at all.

Do I seem unreasonable to you? Really?
Honestly, do I?

I don't know if I have anything else I want to say to you.
Just I love you. Stop doubting me. Stop hurting me. Don't worry me.