Kingdom of Knuffel

I really want to break a certain someone's nose. Or do worse.

I used to cut myself. I'd use dull ornament blade with sharp pointy end, press the sharp part to my arm and in short swift motions drag it through my arm as hard as I could until it hurt and left burning sensation. I never wanted to leave a mark or break the skin. It left something that looked like scratch marks and I was so ashamed of it that I did anything I could not to attend PE until I couldn't fake it anymore. I asked one of my friends, one who was very much like me when it came to contact with other people, and she said to do the same she used to do, it anyone asks say it was a cat.
Sometimes I feel like doing it again but I stop myself; sometimes I look at my forearms and I can see those lines even though they are not there.
Sometimes I wish I could not feel anymore or I try to exercise myself to the point of everything hurting because this can't be seen. Physical pain helps me in dumbing the emotional pain I have to deal with every day, so I don't have to cry myself to sleep, so I can sleep at all.

I lost a friend this week but I don't feel anything. I'm afraid that I am a emotionless bitch.

I think i am depressed lately. I thought it was my period though, but it's not i don't think. I wish i could feel better. I don't want to tell my fiance, because i don't want him to think it's anything he did.

I don't like keeping secrets like this.
I would like to tell everyone already, though it's too early and we agreed not to.