Kingdom of Knuffel

I talked with my boyfriend last night.
I confessed everything.
The depression, the eating disorder, the suicidal thoughts, the panic attacks, the hallucinations, the voices, the issues I've been having with the recent changes in our relationship, my fears for the future - everything.
I thought he'd be mad.
I thought he'd hate me.
He cried.
He shared his history with mental illnesses, and suggested that I see a psychologist.
He told me that he still loved me. That I wasn't broken. That I didn't need fixing. And that he'd be here to help me every step of the way.
He made me promise that I'd call him if I felt suicidal again. And he made me put the National Suicide Hotline in my cellphone.

Our conversation gave me the courage to tell my psychiatrist today. I told her everything. She changed my medication, and made me an appointment for next week. She's being really proactive. And I think she really cares. She made sure that I would be able to make it until next week.

I feel like things are finally turning around.
I have hope again.

I'm so sick of my body.

Maybe I didn't lose her after all...
Things are finally starting to look up.

I'm scared and worried.

I'm worried about my mom weird mole on her head look got larger then last time I saw it. She wont go to the doctor she is stubborn. My dad going insane and wont take the meds. And feeling again soo lonely. I hate it why do I always have to cry ? I regret breaking up with him I shouldn't have care if he was cheating and doing drug at least I had someone now I'm old and alone. What will I do if something happen to my mom ? I don't want to continue living sometimes. It isn't worth it. I hate this life so much. I'll continue until I break.

I miss my friends. I know I'm going to be disappointed about going out tonight because there will be hardly anyone that we know. Sometimes I wish very much that we could have stayed back at my old hometown and that we could see everyone I used to know.

I'm scared and worried and hurting. My mom has this weird looking mole on her head and it didn't look as bad before now it bigger and black and I'm scared thinking what it is I don't want to believe it. My dad gone insane again and I don't want to believe it. I crowd away and pretend everything is okay but forgetting things by video games,eating,tv,rp but I'm hurting so much. I got no one my sisters have their lives and I got nothing but my mom. I don't know what to do if something happens to her.I wanted be happy but wont be happening. I hate this halloween cause I'm giving up on everything I been trying to built. At least I can always pretend only way I can make everything seem okay. I'm so selfish and stupid and most weak. Why did I even have to be born? Beside I was a mistake my mom didn't want have more children my dad is wanted a boy. I must been a disappointment to be born a girl. I know they both love me so much but I wouldn't have mind not being born. I'm just going on and on about my stupid problems when I should be happy just having the people I love daily.

do you even know how self-absorbed you are, or are you too busy thinking about yourself to notice?
me me me me me. that's all it ever is with you.

I really need you right now.

One day someone will notice I'm not really doing that much work here.

I feel bad for people that just happen to share your name, because you ruined it for me.

Kingdom of Knuffel

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