Kingdom of Knuffel

I'm tired alot and have chronic pain...I wish it would go away but no matter what I do it doesn't. And its because I was raped by my dad, anally. I still despise him and all the other men that abused me.


But I'm glad I escaped my parents .

I feel like the biggest fraud on the planet...I'm tired all the time, but what does that really mean..? The doctors can't find anything wrong with me...I have an appointment with a somnologist on Thursday, but I know they're going to find nothing wrong... It's all just in my head, and not my brain like I always believed. I'm just lazy, useless, good for nothing. Worse, I'm a coward, and a liar. I'm lying to myself.
I have panic attacks and get scared over nothing. What right do I have to do that? I was never beaten, molested, neglected...I find myself wanting to believe that something did happen to me, and I blocked it out just to justify my apparent PTSD...that's horrible! My mother blocked the rape and abuse she suffered in her young childhood...it fucked her up, and she started having flashbacks. Am I really asking for that..? I hate myself!!!
Sometimes I just want to die...it's better than this half life I'm living, now. For now, I keep lazily moving forward...