Kingdom of Knuffel

My family has become so incredibly un-supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend. They used to be all for it, but now after dating him for 3 1/2 years it's as if everything is different. They tell me all these things I need to do with my life, acting as if I don't want to do anything, and as if my boyfriend is going to do his best to hold me back. My grandma has only met him a couple times and she says things... I feel like they were never supportive at all, only pretending to be because it's my first relationship and they figured it would end, but they were wrong, so now they're trying to pull us apart. This makes me feel hate towards them. I feel like they should understand, and respect my choice, and my feelings. I love him, and would not be who I am without him. When I met him I had given up on the idea of ever loving anyone, and ever having anyone love me back. Without him, I might of actually believed the awful things my mom said to me time and time again, and felt that I deserved it when she hit me. Without him, I would have stayed like an emotionless robot, taking in everyones ridicule.. ridicule and torment that I still don't understand. I think then... I was depressed.. not for no reason, however. Without him.. maybe I would have gotten the guts to cut myself and see if it really did help like all the girls at school said it did. Without him... I can't promise I would be here. He's changed me for the better, made me an optimist, given me real hopes and dreams, stopped all the morbid and sad thoughts from coming to mind.. without even trying to, I might add..
He's a creative, driven, loving, supportive, understanding guy that believes in me and loves me with all his heart. He's honest, and always makes me smile and laugh. He doesn't make my decisions for me, I chose what I chose to make him happy, and I am aware of my situation. Why can they not understand? By pushing him away, they push me as well... this, again, makes me hate them... but then, I begin to feel the guilt, and hate myself because that is not how it should be.... The only one who knows any of this is my boyfriend, because he hears the things they say, and he knows me... we talk... I'd tell my best friend, but she doesn't like him...

I like him, but he's already with someone...

I smile and I feel fake
I laugh and I want to cry

Why am I bothering to wait for you
when you aren't even here?

I'm sick of being happy-go-lucky Madisson. ;.;

I just can't find the right guy... Am I too picky?
I don't want a drinker (a little drinking is okay, but not 24/7), partier, druggie, atheist, sex whore...
Are there any good men in the world?

It's hard to find smart, mature ones these days...
I'm only 18... but I definitely wouldn't mind a dude 20 years older than me if he was all those things I want <3 Age doesn't matter in love to me.

Life is difficult these days because why? Look at the FUCKIN people in this world... Does no one have self respect or morals these days? >.<;; Grow the fuck up please.


But I feel like I have no life, because people can't have fun... just with who they are. I can't really find anyone like me to enjoy life with... not even friends... so I just stay home and be lazy and feel unwanted.
Ugh...

I feel like I'm hiding so many things from people.. but I'm not. It's weird that I distrust myself... when I know that I have been honest. There is only one thing I seriously haven't told people, and that part I'm glad about. Where does this feeling come from then?

Is it this?:

My boyfriend and I are hoping for a romantic getaway here later in the year, once I turn 18 and no one can say I can't go stay over night with him. I want to tell people, because I'm excited, but it isn't for sure yet, we don't know if we'll have the money, and it's months away. I'm also kind of worried that it won't happen and I'll be disappointed...

I want to get into the creative field at work but I'm scared I won't be as good as the others.