Kingdom of Knuffel

I still think about you. A lot. I think it's unhealthy-I should be over this by now. Am I just holding on for the sake of having something interesting to write about? Probably. But then I think that I must be the most boring person in the world if I have to resort to writing about you all the time.
I kind of miss my old school. I don't know why, because I certainly never felt like I belonged there. I guess it's because I wasn't so restricted. But I chose my path and now I've got to stick with it, I just don't want to anymore.
Also, I want to get help. I feel like I'm a completely different person with a completely messed up life and I don't know what to do about it. But I'm scared to tell anyone. I'd rather just rely on myself, it's safer that way.
I really wish I had someone to talk to, really talk to, besides a journal or a blog or my cat.

Disappointed and depressed that I will have to return home

I'm very attracted to dark things, but I can't accept darkness within myself..

I want to.. but I don't know how.

I am a sadist. I have lived my life feeling like I'd always have to keep it secret because most people are afraid of pain.. the worst part is that it feels like a need for me. It's always been here, and it triggers on a subconscious level.. so I have no idea why I have it, but it is an automatic emotional experience every time I see a strong and attractive guy get hurt.
I like my fetish, but it feels like a love/hate relationship.. It's like an endorphine high, and then afterwards I feel like a freak. I have no control over it.. I just go crazy with lust..

6 years ago, I met a masochist for the first time. The knowledge that some guys actually enjoy pain made it feel as though I might be a little bit closer to normal.. I opened up about it to friends more and more. Now I'm in the BDSM community and it has opened many doors for me. I've learned a lot and met several other sadists in the process.

I still can't accept it, though. I run from relationships. I feel ashamed of my fetish at times. I want to be with a masochist to make it "okay", but I'm so attracted to people in pain that I feel paralyzed with fear, plus, masochists are rare. One person already told me I couldn't hurt him anymore.. It hurt me as bad as if we had broken up.. because it literally is a need for me. I will have this for the rest of my life. It is the most intimate thing I can think of for a person to suffer for me.

There's so much I have to know to be safe.. There has to be trust and communication and many other things.. I'm trying to learn all of this, but I have no confidence. I don't trust and accept myself, so how can I expect others to trust and accept me?

So how can I learn to embrace my weirdness?
I want to, but I'm terrified I would become a monster.. It contradicts my self-image.. I want to be a positive role-model. I want to heal the world, protect the weak and innocent, change things for the better. To have such dark and intense desires is scary.. I don't remember asking for this fetish.. I don't know how it came about. I don't know if it's okay to accept it. I don't know if people would hate me if I accepted myself for it.

I'm still in love with my masochistic friend.. It's like he knows exactly what buttons to hit, and he does it even being unaware of how it affects me. I stay in a constant state of joy when I'm around him, because he is constantly triggering my fetish reaction.. If God is real, he has to be a sadist to make someone like me a sadist and then introduce me to a masochist that I can't be with.. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes.. ;-;

I'm trying so hard to become a good domme, but I don't even know if we are compatible.. He already said he'd never date me, but I am so convinced that "God" could not possibly be so cruel as to put us together just to torment me, that I simply can't accept it.. I wonder if I'm just insane.. I wonder how to regain my sanity. Do I need to leave to find inner peace? Even so, my fetish will find me again and remind me how out of control I am. -_-

I still cry over the cat I lost years ago.

I love you more than anything, but I feel so worthless compared to you.

I hate you! WHy do you have to torment me even in my sleep?!

And you! I hate you even more! You're so annoying!

And you! Why are you even related to me?!

Gaah!!!!!

. . .

^_^

I keep all our conversations now because I don't know when I'll get to talk to you next and I don't know if I'm saying the right things to you to support you.

I've told you though I don't need to talk to you 24/7 even talking to you for a hour a day or every few days is like a dream to me.