Kingdom of Knuffel

You don't know this, but I wish I knew how you are doing. There's no way for me to contact you, since my phone's busted, and you aren't online that much recently. I hope everything's alright. <3

I'm sorry mommy. I'm holding you back and hurting you. It's because I'm still a kid and naive. I can't do anything. I want to make you happy but I'm so easily scared. All I can do is listen to your pains and struggles.
I'm sorry for being such a horrible child back then. It's my fault for listening to grandma too much and hurt you like this. I can't believe that you're doing this all for me. I love you so much and you are the best mother I could ever ask for.

Daddy what are you thinking now? I don't understand. I know that stress is getting to you but can't you see that you're hurting mommy? I can understand what you are doing but did you have to pick the wrong people for it?
I'm sorry that I'm not exceptionally well at anything so your can't be proud of me. But it hurts that you're so proud of someone else's child. I mean, she's not your child or even related to you but you treat her like a daughter! I feel like I'm being tossed away. I'm sorry I'm not smart, or super talented.

Family, why are you being so ignorant?! It's ridiculous and unfair! You only want to keep the family looking righteous and you look down everyone else who is not like you. If I wasn't only the youngest generation in the family, I would have talked some sense into you people but it's disrespectful to tell your elders that their wrong. TOTAL BULLSHIT! You're hurting others just so that you can look good. You don't look on the facts but have bias judgment. FUCK! I feel so angry towards you. What kind of "Christians" are you anyways, looking down on people. Sometimes it's your actions that make me want to leave this house and leave my love for God.

You're sweet and all but I'm sorry, you seem fake to me. I'm not accusing you on a whim. I mean I used to do the same things that you are doing. The head tilt, the gentle 'hm?', cutesy I-don't-know-anything actions, your super happy skipping and humming. I did the same thing just to pretend that I'm innocent. I don't know maybe you're excited about it but I just know some of the things is kinda fake.
You're still a stranger but hopefully you can be more true so that we can be friends.

Sometimes I just want to end it all...
It's dark and I'm falling back into that pit. I know though that I'm too much of a chicken to end it. I'll just continue to live like this. Thinking of all these things and knowing that I can't do anything about it.
Hopefully things get better but probably won't. It's just like a nightmare in reality.

But I won't be fully down in the dumps. I know that my sister and mommy really love me. I have such wonderful friends online and in real life that make me laugh and smile.
And I love you guys very much. <33

I hate it when my calculations don't work and I hate surprises..

I think I just want to plan everything and control it because I've seen things mess up for me so much.

I don't think i can afford a gift for you next month and that's making me feel so bad..

I can't leave the house without make-up. I feel ugly and ashamed if I don't at least have cover-up on.

I constantly search myself to see if I have any symptoms of physical or mental illnesses. I feel like there has to be something wrong with me.
I think I have an anxiety disorder. The smallest problem can set me off. I cry and have anxiety fits. I get a terrible feeling in the pit of my
stomach everyday on my way to school because I know I'll have to face people and I'm so shy its ridiculous.
I just feel so anxious all of the time. I fear people I love will abandon me.

Before I started dating anyone I promised myself that I would stay a virgin until I graduated, and I have a lot of reasons to back up why I should.
But lately I feel differently and I know we both want to have sex but I still feel like we're too young. I'm proud of myself for telling him
I want to wait but at the same time I'm disappointed because I don't actually want to.. I just love him so much.

I'M IN LOVE.
and I am both terrified and the happiest I have ever been.

Dear mother ,
I hate you .

~For both our sakes,
don't EVER call me by that name again.~

:/ Recently my grandfather has been calling me and while it's nice..I don't like his anger problem towards people who answer the phone.

Because it's not really my phone and I'm living with this people.

You're scaring me.
No matter what I say or do here lately you yell at me.
You told me before you wished my brother and sister were like me. Quiet, polite, helpful. You called me the perfect daughter.

Yet, here lately it's like you want nothing to do with me. Everytime I try and speak to you, you snap at me. Have I done something to make you mad?
Not even an hour ago, we were playing Assassin's Creed Brotherhood. I saw you were playing Manhunt, so I thought I'd suprise you by jumping into the same lobby as you.

I came in by the second round, my team on defense. Your team won, but you still came in and snapped at me. Said I was glitched and you couldn't kill me. Making excuses and claiming your game is glitched. Like it's my fault. I wasn't glithed. But, that's not the point. I apologised for being glitched. You ignored me and left. But, you came back and demanded to know why I was being sorry. I was at a loss for words and you snapped at me again. You left the room while I was in the middle of trying to explain myself, just ignoring me. I don't know how to respond to you. Without making you more angry.

And yesterday morning. I said hello to you twice, and you blew me off like I wasn't there. I hugged you and you didn't hug back.
What did I do?

You asked me to wake you up at noon, and I said yes I will. But, then you yelled at me and told me to forget it. What was I suppose to say? How did you want me to respond? I said yes!

It's like we all have to walk on egg shells around you here lately.
Mom too. You're upsetting her as well. Constantly yelling at her for being sick. She can't help it if she has pre-cancer cells and had to get them removed. She can't help it that the treatments make her sick. You yelling at her, and stressing her out is not going to make her feel any better. You're probably just making it worse.

You also get mad when we tell you we need to go grocery shopping. You claim there is food in the house. But, there isn't. There's enough for one person. There is four living here. You can't just buy a bag of fries and call that dinner for the week. And god forbid we ask for real food when you're looking to buy a $13,000 car instead of feeding your family.

But, if any of us talk about getting a job to help bring in money, you shout at us and say we have enough money and that you don't want any of us working. But, I hear you make comments about how you're going to get a second job to make us feel guilty.

I really don't know what to do anymore.
You really worry me. We love you, and you're hurting us. To the point where we get excited when you go to work. So that we can breathe without you yelling at us. I'm afraid to even move when you're in the room. That's how bad it's getting... Because I really don't know if you'll hit me or not...

I'm not sure if this counts as a little secret. But, it really felt good getting this out. Considering if we say anything to him... well. Yelling.

I wonder why I am so sick lately. It bugs me..

Kingdom of Knuffel

Dirty Little Secrets...

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