Then today I called my mom (again, should've texted her, although I have a feeling she'd call me anyways instead of texting me back) and I asked if we want to see each other today since it's Friday and I'm torn and she's like "whatever" and I asked if she's mad at me still. She said she's not mad, but that my mail was basically self-centered (even though I included info like why I stifled my emotions and why it's come out that way, that I feel pressured and I tried to please their expectations of me) and inconsiderate of "the other side of the conflict" and then she went on overinterpreting my words into her own insecurities. So I cried at work :) I'm glad I didn't send anything to my sister, she would drag my ass through the universe.
My mom just said she wasn't pleased with the written form and that she'd rather talk. I told her that will leave us yelling at one another again, because we can't control our emotions in person and she said "speak for yourself". Thanks, 'cause she's such a fucking Dalai Lama in a constant meditative state and nothing can budge her from it she literally yelled at her bf at christmas eve dinner for telling a joke. Sure, you're so fucking in check of your outbursts.
Idk guys, I tried making these notes and neutral as possible, not trying to trigger anything, tip-toeing around their insecurities and what I didn't want them to know but I feel like maybe it's just a lost cause. Or what if I'm the one in the wrong? I still should distance myself but fuck, Idk what to do with this. she wants to talk when I really can't do that.

She called me up yesterday and first it was just small talk and I was kind of annoyed but tried to show it because I knew why she was calling. So when we got to the point of the call I told her some things. About trying to make that e-mail to her super neutral yet somehow she read more into it than there was. And I just basically told her all the things I already wrote her but she didn't seem to understand. I had to explain to her that I just thought I could make one day more with my brother-in-law and I just miscalculated my resilience. Even though I made it very clear in my mail, she didn't get it by reading it, I had to explain it to her verbally all over again. I really think she might be stupid... I don't know what to think. And back on that fateful Sunday she told me she thought I was just showing off how angry and unhappy I am, even though I told her then that I need to think about what happened then. And she kept thinking I'm just showing off my anger and just being childish and RUNNING AWAY. Like, no, ma, I wasn't running away, I was doing some mature thinking over my own actions and you all just went in on me and treated me like I'm a monster that you called me a few days later.
Do you know what she said when I reminded she'd called me that? "I was all emotional"... WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, I was emotional too, obviously, but I didn't do any name calling, even to that man I can't stand. And she said she'd hardly call it name calling... Can you believe this? You call someone something offensive, but it's not a "whore" or "bitch" or whatever and somehow it's not name calling anymore? If it's offensive and unnecessary, it's name calling. I didn't call her stupid but she called me mental and a monster. She apologized for calling me that and that she realized she shouldn't have said it when she heard me sob from behind the wall (and I didn't sob, I hyperventilated when I heard her say those words but I didn't feel like telling her that over the phone) and that she knows it's exactly what she was fed with by her own parents and she really regrets saying that.
My mom also said "I don't want to lose the relationship that we have, it's not the same with your sister". Hmmmm maybe because she's selfish and only calls people when she needs help from them? I told her that Ash once told me to look through my Messenger with my sister and he'd bet his head all the conversations are about her. I did check and most of the time it was her writing a lot to me and if I wrote anything longer to her, it would be advice to her. My mom didn't say anything to that. then I told her that when they were in Warsaw, my sister didn't come to visit my dad and his mom. True, he told me grandma and him got sick that week but still. She could've at least went there for an hour or so. Dad's mom is getting worse and worse after all the strokes and heart attacks and everything. She's almost literally falling apart, you never know when her time comes. And my sister comes to Warsaw once a year maybe. Or maybe not even that.
I also told mom I didn't dare to send any mails to my sister because of that thing she did just before the writing workshop started. That everything I say she turns back against me and I see no way to even try to explain things to her because she simply doesn't seem to have the will to understand. She's in that victim mindset and she demands people act the way she wants because she's the victim here and you should apologize and think and go fuck yourself or whatever. Aaaand my mom couldn't find words for that.
Oh, and I told her she also blows up, maybe not as much but certainly more frequently and basically that all my behaviors I took after her. And sure, she agreed it's what she taught me all my life not intensionally but I yelled louder and she doesn't yell. . . . Yes, ma, you yell, you just don't realize it. And it's about the stupidest things at times. Then she admitted she probably doesn't realize she screams when she does.