Kingdom of Knuffel

Hi all! It's been a while but I'm back! Life stresses me out sometimes.

Moi wrote:

Congrats on the job :3
What was it again?

I'm working three days a week for 90 minutes a day as an English teacher - sort of. I do extra classes for kids that need some extra help with English. :)
It was the absolute easiest I've ever gotten a job in my life. I wrote an email and was basically employed. I don't think I'll ever be that lucky again.

The wedding went ok. The bride's family is really weird (she has six siblings) and I certainly kept my distance from them. It seemed like it was very focused on the bride, which was a shame because it means we have fewer pictures of my brother than my sister-in-law. We also have fewer family pictures, since there was enough time for her family to goof around, but when it was our turn we had to do it really fast. Didn't seem quite too balanced honestly, since all my family from Britain was unable to come anyway so we were fewer and focused on less...
My parents didn't shout at each other. In fact they didn't talk. So that was the best it could have gone for the first time they've seen each other since the divorce.
And I believe no one got sick, and it should be past incubation time now, so I think we're good. I'm having sleep issues completely unrelated to that though, I just keep waking up at 4 and not falling asleep again until the afternoon.

Moi, I'm so sorry you live in that environment. I can kind of relate, my opinion likes to get waved away especially by my older siblings, but definitely not to the extent you're describing since my parents have actually noticed I'm a grown-up and like to hear my opinion now. I'd say I hope it gets better but I think usually moving out is the easiest way to deal with it, and if that's not available it's really just... ignoring it.

mem: I used to have that, and now I take thyroid medication lol. Might still be a hormone thing, even if it's not PMS.
Good luck on your course and webinars! If your stressed, try lying on your floor and relaxing every single one of your muscles, including your jaw. Helps me a little when I'm super duper stressed.

Hi Lulu! Good to know you're okay
Online teaching sounds easy but I guess it depends on how young are the kids you'e teaching? A coworker's husband teaches kids online due to covid nowadays and apparently he has a lot of trouble keeping the kids focused on the lesson. Do you have similar issues? Or maybe those aren't one on one lessons as I assumed?

Well, the weddings tend to be all about the bride, sadly. Did your brother share your feelings about that imbalance as well? Yay for your parents not eating each other I had similar worries back when my sister was getting married. But yeah, they simply didn't talk to each other. Who knew parents could be mature XD

Yeah, I considered that it might be the fact I just randomly stopped taking my medication (weak, basic antidepressants and some vitamins) because I kept forgetting about taking them and felt okay anyway, but maybe the effects wore off now that I'm not taking them and my emotions are back to their normal whack.
OR it actually might be pms xD Now that I checked the calendar, hehe But still, even in pms, it's sometimes difficult to determine what the fuck actually set you off. I'm sitting here for a whole week now and all I can explain it with is: I got upset at my dad on our Sunday visit and been kind of sad-angry (hehe, sangry) ever since, then some minor stress-ish thingies at work and in career plans. So like, Idk what triggered me so much with my dad but I'm having trouble getting over it.

I finished my CV!!! *confetti rain* I mean, the summary is kind of too long but fuck it XD

@Moi: I know how you feel with your aunt ruining your good mood. That often happens to me with my parents.
I'm pretty sure there are more people living in toxic environment than not, as sad as it sounds. It's just people generally get too invested in their own heads and with time they grow more selfish/toxic. I know I have many toxic behaviors that I took from my childhood and I'm trying to cut them out but it's not easy. And many people don't think they can change or that they should change at all because everybody else around is the problem not them, so... Yeah, generally people don't like to reflect on themselves and end up being mean bitches to one another, especially for the closest ones, because they're close, they're always there and it's easy to get it out on them.

Moi: Is there a way for you to get out of that situation or are you stuck?

I absolutely believe my body is synced with the sunrise bc fuck it, let's wake up at 4.30 so we can watch the sun rise. ._. who needs sleep.
So it's definitely not insomnia with me, I just wake up way too early to have a good sleep. My mom does too. I might just take after her. I should plan naps into my day.
Do you take medication to help you sleep?

Mem: Haha no schools in Germany are 100% open and I'm employed at a school, I'm on their class schedules, through a church organisation (the school just isn't allowed to employ me themselves). It's in-person teaching. I start on Monday.
Just thinking about Germany doing online school makes me laugh. Our internet is not good enough, especially in more rural areas, for kids to be online all day, sometimes several kids in a household at the same time. Germany didn't even try to do online courses before the summer holidays, they just split the kids into smaller groups.
And I just noticed one of the courses has kids that are two years apart so that sounds like a challenge.
I do also have one day where I give extra lessons to a single kid too. But they don't employ me, I just get money.

I'm not close enough to my brother to ask him about it tbh. I just know I wouldn't want that to happen when I marry. I'd feel bad if the day was all about me.

Ah, well, it really could be anything. It might be the lack of antidepressants Depending on what it is, you really gotta wean yourself off of them I believe, like taking half and quarter tablets, even if they're weak, because you can become addicted either way.
Either way Does meditation help you?

And yay for finishing that CV

Ahaha, Idk why I assumed you were teaching online XD Oh well, covid got into my brain, lol. Here in Poland we have some areas where it was/will be online and some where it's not, it depends. But I think in Warsaw they will open schools since September. I'm not sure that's a smart move, but those morons in our government will do whatever the heck they want.
Still, teaching is a tough job! I tried teaching young kids once, it didn't go great... But perhaps it was just my lack of education in teaching and lack of experience with kids XD Also, I'm terribly shy and I have a mentality of "who am I to tell that kid whatever, what if his/her parents then come after me?"
Excuse me, how do they not employ you and you get the money? How is that possible? XD
Wait, when does German school year start? I'm confused

Agreed, I would feel bad if my wedding day was all about me. It should be about both the bride and the groom. Well, maybe he's okay with that? I mean, he certainly knows who he's married, right? It was his choice.

Tbh, I stopped taking them a month or so ago (or maybe longer than that? I honestly can't remember, my memory and time tracking brain cells don't work that well), so I'm no sure it would hold me for that long without taking them. And yeah, I went from my normal dose to half of it, which was already the smallest dose. But I think I only managed to remember about it for a week or so xD Then I completely forgot and went on with my life.
I like meditating but I don't do it frequently enough to say whether it works for my moods or not. It certainly calms my mind as does yoga that I've taken up lately. I keep telling myself I should meditate more but then I find more things to do and forget. Maybe that's my attention span, I recently began observing it's pretty damn short and idk why. Maybe I really should start taking those omega 3 vitamin things again.

Thanks! It was so freaking hard to finish it! Not pysically but mentally, mostly. But then somebody posted a collaboration offer in the FB group for proofreaders and editors and I woke right up from my nap and went straight on my laptop to finish this nightmare up so it's ready to be sent. I actually sent an e-mail to that lady who posted the offer and I've been doing a sample text, but it actually sounds fishy. She didn't even say much about the offer and is completely avoiding my questions about the rates sooooo yeah

Hahaha it's not like several schools in my town have classes that are in quarantine including one that has a whole grade in quarantine and the kids from those schools still immediately take off their mask when you're not actively shouting at them hahahaha
oh wait
They've been in school for two weeks now in my state. School starts at a different time in every state. They don't want to immediately start off with extra lessons usually, that's why I start tomorrow.
Ahaha yeah if you don't have much experience with kids I really don't know how you want to teach them. But I'm more at the 11-16 age range. And you just gotta act like you know what you're telling the parents. XD Some are very shouty, but you have to power through.
Well, I only get 20€ for that extra lesson so it'd be more of a hassle to officially employ me for that one since there's no taxes paid on that, and the school thing is essentially paid volunteer work and I also won't pay taxes on that, so it's just easier all around to not be officially employed for that one extra lesson. Either way I won't be getting above the tax-free amount.

I don't know. It'd be unusual for my brother to be okay with their being more pictures of the bride's aunt than his twin sister (my older sister). I don't think the photographer had many instructions, honestly.

Aaaaaah. Yeah, that happens. I think the medication might have had some residual effect for a while, but I don't know enough about that to say for sure.
Yeah, I kind of feel the same. It's too boring. Attention span of zero. I've heard it's supposed to be really good but I find it hard to stay still for too long.

That's... concerning.

Oh, that's interesting? Does the school always start differently for different states or is it just covid thing? Our school year usually starts on September 1, unless it's a weekend day of course. I keep forgetting other countries might work differently
Yeah... I've tried with two groups of kids with age range 7-12... and with Japanese nonetheless. Would not recommend
Oh, yeah, that tax thing convinced me, I get it now XD Too much hassle to be bothered.

Well, then maybe the bride's family is very "charismatic"... some people just are attention whores. And I wouldn't be too surprised that the photographer merely took pictures of whoever went in front of the camera xD

I'll start with the vitamins again because truth be told I wouldn't want to rely on medication. I feel like it's not that necessary now. I used to be in a pretty messed up shape when I started taking them and now it feels like I can manage to control some things that I had trouble controlling before. Like therapy and just actively working on myself is enough.
Oh no, don't get me wrong, I LOVE meditating and I have absolutely no trouble standing still for long periods of time. It helps me just observe my emotions form a distance and to get back into the present moment and not focus on my fears and worries all of the time. It's only that I always find things to do and can't focus on one thing from that list. So say I'll wake up and decide to do some yoga, but first I'll have to go pee, but before that I decide to drink water, then I take out my yoga mat and then I remind myself that hey, I wanted to pee (yes, that's what I do, I forget about peeing...) but hey, my pet rats went out, so I'll go pet them, then forget the pee (again) and open my phone to browse for a morning yoga video, but instead I go to see what's on the news articles, then hey, I had to pee! So I go pee and after that, hey, I should brush my teeth. Then I will probably at last do that yoga bit... That's what I meant with my attention span xD That was an example with yoga but the same thing goes for meditating. After I start there's no trouble staying focused bit I don't meditate as consistently as I do yoga. I do that for 10 minutes right after I wake up (trying to minimize my attention span shit), so maybe I should do 10 minutes of yoga and after that another 10 minutes of meditation... That would probably help to build the habit.

Yeah, concerning but also I did it anyway, because I thought it would be a good exercise even if she doesn't pick me or she does and actually isn't fishy about the money. Like, either way, I got something out of it for myself.

The states usually start at different times. I'm not sure why they start at different times, since they all have the same amount of school holidays anyway.
7-12 is a large age range! There are such vast mental differences between both ends. I'm not surprised it wasn't easy.
And I've just found out the school has their first corona infection in a grade I'm going to teach on tuesday. Great. Love that for me. Nothing could go wrong. :]

I totally get that with medication. I don't want to rely on it myself. Like, I have to take my morning thyroid medication for the rest of my life, so I just take it before my morning pee, but every time I've tried to introduce taking vitamins or magnesium or something I just get super lazy about it and it never lasts more than two days. I'm glad you get along well enough with your therapy that you've noticed lasting change though.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's more like short-term memory though then, right? Like forgetting where you put your phone after you literally had it in your hand two minutes ago.
I just cannot sit still, meditation drives me insane. I discussed with my mom whether she thinks I might have a little bit of ADHD or at least have had it as a kid since I've read up on it as a grown-up and she was like "well you were a very active child, completely different from your siblings, couldn't sit still, and that one time you were very proud of watching the clock go by for one minute and not getting off your chair, remember that? It was great. I took you everywhere with me, it was a lot of fun." so. Maybe? I'm definitely not that active anymore though.

both sounds like adhd..

not that I have officially been diagnosed with it.. but I follow a few groups and pages on fb about it.

A lot resonates with me. I may not always have the hyperactivity of it unless it's something that excites me then you get hyper me..

I do get concentration issues.....

@Lulu: huh, that's weird XD Here the school year starts the same time everywhere but the spring and winter breaks are different depending on the regions, that's the only thing I can think of that's similar.
I mean, there were two groups, younger and older, one after the other. But it was still hella difficult Younger were quite active and I guess I wasn;t interesting enough for them to focus and the older group was more focused but also I had to stop a fight between two boys and I hate conflict soo... Yeah, teaching kids ain't for me. Adults maybe, if anything
OMG, already?! Aren;t they going to put the whole class to quarantine now, or something?

Right? I can never remember! And BF gives me shit about downloading apps that remind me because "you can just set an alarm" but like jeez, I had 4 different things to take 3 times a day, I didn't want to mess up and that app was quite helpful with my terrible memory.
Oh yeah, my therapist was heaven-sent to me, I have no idea how I managed to get to her, she's so packed with clients but somehow she squeezed me in. And she's so nice QuQ

I'm not sure what it is, I'd say I lose focus on my short-term goals? Because dog damn it, I know where everything is and it's my BF who's always asking "where'd I put my stuff?" and I'd be like "it's in our bedroom on your nightstand" or "check the bathroom, I think you left it on the washing machine" or it's this:
BF: Where'd I put that thing?
Me: It's on the table.
BF: *looks* No it's not.
Me: *comes to the table, moves stuff around, shows him his thing and glares*
Bf: oh... how did you find it?
Although to be fair, yesterday I was looking for a bra that I was wearing already... But I'd blame that on the mechanical nature of dressing up.
But once I start doing something, I have no trouble staying focused (unless I'm utterly uninterested in the task, like currently I can't stay focused on my job because it's so fucking boring and annoying I literally can't even), but if I get distracted from starting, I might stay distracted for a while. With my phone for example, I want to check something on the internet but instead my fingers go straight to the news section and I mindlessly browse that for a while then get bored and get off my phone and then I wonder "wait, I had something to do, but what was it?" and then I remember I wanted to check something on the internet.
Yeah, sounds like you might've had adhd and it probably just dissipated a lot when you grew older.

@River: But can you get adhd later in life? Because I certainly didn't have adhd as a kid. I even had a friend who was SO much more active than me and I would be crazy annoyed at her because her excessive play time would usually end up in trouble for me (she broke a few stuff in my home, accident and all, but dang it, contain yourself you brat). I was always a very peaceful kid. Daydreaming, yeah, but with no real symptoms of adhd.
I've been diving into adhd a little bit but it didn't really resonate with me that much, and I mean even the softer versions of it (the all-super hyper is allegedly quite rare). So I think for me it might just be problems with concentrating on the task at hand or I want to do too many things at once? Tbh it's not as bad as before I started taking meds, and now I'm off them so I'd say it might be stress or something.
Wait, I wanted to add something else but I forgot -.- Oh, I know! Mindfullness issues, staying in the present moment. Hence I think regular meditation might help.

BTW, I got up earlier today to start with yoga and meditation and I have no idea how it happened but I got up 1h before I should start work, did 10 minutes of yoga and then about 10-15-ish minutes of meditation and somehow it took me the whole hour XD