Kingdom of Knuffel

I'm jealous of your new friends.
It feels like you're leaving me behind.

I've never done anything like this before, but here I go. ^^;

I cry a lot just out of random. People think I'm perfectly happy and fine because I'm always laughing and smiling and act like nothing is wrong.

My boyfriend knows better and hes there for me, but he doesn't know the reason I cry.
1). I'm not in college and I feel like if I go back I'll just fail.
2). I just absolutely love my job, but I've never held a job for more than 7 months and I fear something will happen and I won't like this job.
3). The car crash I got into. It's scared me mentally for life and I still freak when I see a car come too close or one going too fast. And I have to be the driver b/c I can't trust people's driving.
4). I'm my bf's first gf. And I fear someone smarter, prettier, crazier, and funnier than me will come a long and he'll want to experience someone else.
5). I wish he truly understood how he has changed me for the better. I've told him but I don't think he gets it. -.-

Now for another secret.
I clean or go shopping when I'm upset.

I despise my mom for all of the things she's put me through.
We went through hell and back, and she still:
Doesn't talk to me unless it's convenient, spends my money when I have it, shoves me off on other people when she doesn't want to deal with family, and ignores me when something better comes along.

I wish I could tell her how much I don't like what she does.
I wish I could tell her that the reason I'm unhappy right now, is because of her, and her stupid selfishness.

I wish I could slap her and make her see that she's scarred me for life.
I'm afraid to get too close to anyone, and terrified of the people I'm close to...
I don't even trust myself half the time.

Dearest Cara,
I hate the way you don't talk to me...
and the way you pretend to care.
I hate the way I fawn over you, and giggle like a little girl whenever you make a crappy joke.
I hate the distance between us, and the silence we seem to accumulate.
But most of all, I hate the way I still want you.

Love,
Nari.

I don't understand why I keep tossing the glue stick back and forth. Or the lip gloss, or the pencil or whatever else I can get my hands on. I don't know why the feeling of tossing something from one hand to the other seems to make me calm. I've got no idea why I get frustrated when I'm not doing that. Why would anyone want to spend hours of a day doing that? Why do I? It's so frustrating, i start doing it without thinking, and then once I'm doing it, I can think as much as I want and still don't stop. I feel ridiculous. I don't need this on top of everything else.

Irrk I have this paralyzing fear that I may not get all the items I want for this event due to my semi-life now lol.

I hate crying and I hate this day.

Edit: Removed what I posted. Didn't feel comfortable having it there.

I understand it now. It finally came to me today. I've always known it somehow, but could never put a finger on it: I'm cursed. Not in a 'spiritual' way, no by sorcery or anything like that. It's much more simple. I've always wondered what it was that kept me struggling, kept me away from others and others away from me. It explains it all.
Now I only have to figure out what to make of it and how to deal with it.

Going to learn not to hate much and learn how to love what i have much more.

Kingdom of Knuffel

Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...