Kingdom of Knuffel

jacobgrey wrote:(like me getting dehydrated because I don't want to pick up my drink lol).

That sounds oddly familiar... But not because of intrusive thoughts, I just have the "just one more chapter/episode/turn/whatever and then I'll drink/eat/sleep/go pee etc." Then I get too focused and I forget about life and that my body needs stuff

@Moi: I still have such thoughts sometimes, they used to be really bad to the point of me not speaking to anyone. When I began ignoring them and speaking anyways, they got less frequent but they still get me sometimes.

Ooh, nice. It reminds me of my vision of demon-like entities in book's storyline. You just woke up my inspiration to write, lol.

Also, damn, CC is here and I'm seriously having relapse into my depression so I feel like ... eh. I don't even know. I mean, I know, but I probably shouldn't say it.

Yeah, I'm at the bottom again.

But something funny happened today. I was crying and repeating "it gets better before it gets worse" like a mantra and right after that a butterfly flew into my room. A butterfly! It's too cold for butterflies at this time of year! And it was big, too!
I thought I'd recorded it, but didn't realized I didn't push the record button... ;___; It was pretty.
And an interesting synchronicity. My guides are watching Unless I'm just batshit crazy and hearing voices. I debated today whether I should call a psych ward with the thoughts I've been having all day...
Yesterday my therapist asked me to promise I'll be in constant contact with someone and even offered I could text her if needed. And I promised although I don't really have anyone to be in contact with. At least not someone I trust enough. I just had an argument with my sister that involves my mom, Ash is elusive these days (but possible I hurt his feelings recently, idk), so I texted my bff who's not having a great time as well so I feel guilty about even bothering her...


I love your avi QwQ

I'm just full of guilt I very often feel guilty or responsible even when in my reasonable mind I know I shouldn't.

So, I have news. I was feeling so bad that day that when Ash texted me, asking how's my day I told him I'm having a huge depression relapse and even though it was already midnight he offered to take an uber to me. So he did and we talked a long while. I think we talked till 3 or 4 a.m. I can't remember if we ever had such a peaceful heart to heart. It's always been with this or that much nervousness and some agression but this time I was so relieved that there were no unnecessary nerves, we didn't interrupt one another. A conversation like no other.
So my mind has been really restless about our living situation and me really wanting a baby and now that we've talked I have a clearer view of it all.
I found out that he is pretty much sure (about 90-ish %) that he wants children but he's so worried about my depression getting worse that he can't imagine me being able to take care of a baby. It isn't even a matter of not having his own apartment, he recently realized it doesn't really matter, but for him the issue is he can't see me as an equal partner with how overwhelmed he is by my depression, by feeling he can't count on me etc. He did say he doesn't mean I'm going tobe a terrible mother, on the contrary, he said I'd be a great mom, but he just wants me to be more able, more on my own two feet.
I do agree to some extent with my mental health being probably the biggest con to starting a family atm. I did mention my depression gets worse by each year because of the waiting and not knowing and that starting that family might actually help with my depression because I'd finally get that missing piece. But he said he won't risk a child's wellbeing and happiness for a slight chance it might help me. And I can't not agree with him.
But this takes off a lot of my anxiety around the whole "I've been waiting for 11 years where's my ring, my wedding dress and my pregnant belly? " and actually instantly motivates me and assures me that the first thing I have to do is to take care of myself and stand on my own. Then we can make other decisions.

I mentioned that maybe getting a dog would help me, because then I'd literally have no other choice than to go out with it, take care of it etc. sure, I have my rat and I'm currently taking care of mom's cat but they don't recquire moving my lazy depressed ass outside for semi-fresh air. Both my rat and even my mom's cat (whom I seem to have resocialized, she used to hiss at me and run away, but now she comes for cuddles and sleeps under the covers with me ) are sources of much serotonin but a dog needs more movement, a bit more care, is a bit more interactive.
But still, even if I wanted to adopt a dog, I need to start making money first. So even without the baby in the picture I can have some motivation to actually progress and go on, not much stopping along the way. All that with Ash's support of course, it's not like he left me all alone because he can't take my depression anymore XD

That said, I finally tweaked my FB (and LinkedIn) profile to let "friends" know about my (future) job, so I'm taking tiny steps to finally putmyself out there. I even made a separate e-mail address. Seems like a small thing but it was hard to get to it

I guess all that deserves a confetti rain. So... for the small victories: *confetti rain*