Kingdom of Knuffel

Can't believe how long it took me to post this X.X;;

I 'survived' an entire year in middle school with a class where every single person either didn't like me or thought I was too weird to talk too. They tried to exclude me, bully me. They spread rumors based on the fact I just didn't fit in their description of a normal person.

I came out stronger than ever and am sometimes even glad for it. Cause if it wasn't for their attempts to drag me down I wouldn't have ever risen above them. Despite all their efforts, after all those years; I still have abnormally long hair. I still don't wear make-up, ever. I don't drink a single drop of alcohol. Still am and will always be an obsessive Potterhead. I don't follow fashion, I wear what I like. I daydream at least half of the time and rather discuss books, movies or Harry Potter than cosmetics, boys and short skirts. I'm still above average weight, probably far above it.

I am who I am because of them and sometimes even feel the need to get up in their face and tell them that.

Yet all of it seems for naught the moment you make a comment. I don't exactly know how I managed to brush off every single one of their insults, rumors or plain nasty things but find myself randomnly bursting into tears or crying myself to sleep whenever I dwell too much on what comment you casually let pass during the day.

I'm afraid. Scared that one day I won't be able to keep all of it in anymore and just burst into tears. In public. I don't want to make a scene like that. Especially since I feel like I shouldn't take it so hard. But I do, sweet Salazar, I do. Maybe it's because it's you, my own mother. Instead of a class of wannabe little sluts.

Just a few hours ago at lunch we discussed something similar. Another situation entirely and yet every comment you made about it seemed like a dagger through my heart. I felt so..Empty. Not a good word possible to describe the pain I feel when you tell everyone that making nasty comments about your kids' health or habits just isn't going to help nothing and that it makes them a terrbile mother. Leaving me to bitterly think that that is exactly what you freaking do yourself almost every single day.

Every single thing I say, every conversation and every topic that comes up. You find a way. You sneak em in like it's just a casual thing you just noticed. You'd make a terrible Slytherin, you know? Absolutely terrible.

You have the taste for being an arrogant bitch, I'll give you that.
But you absolutely fail at being sneaky about it.

I'm just so confused, mom.
And hurt most of all.

I just guess I'm not as strong as I always thought I was. That year hasn't changed anything after all. It definitely made me stronger on the outside, but so very fragile within. And I don't know how much longer I can keep it in. I need to keep it in, you know. I feel as if people expect me to. I'm so tough mom. I'm the reliable one. I'll always listen, offer advice. I always know what to say. I keep it in for everyone else's sake. But Merlin you're making it hard not to snap.

Especially with the way you know exactly how to hurt me where it matters most. Cause I'm sure you knows how much your comments must hurt. Then again, if you did know, wouldn't you stop?

This is one of the days again where I hate myself for beign what I am.
I hate to admit that I've been rather desperate to find friends. Not necessarrily a whole bunch of them, maybe one or even two. I have great friends online, but I'm always scared they'd turn their back on me. Why would they care about someone they cannot meet in person?

I've been looking for people to meet in my area. Maybe I could get a friend or two this way, I thought. I met this really nice guy. We get along extremely well, we have lot in common, he treats me well, and he's very affectionate. Exactly the kind of person I'd hope for as a friend. But what will happen for sure? I'll realize that he's not looking for friendship. And I'll have to realize that it's silly for a woman to believe she could be friends with a man.

I stopped hating myself for being asexual, as I realized that this is the way God made me and wanted me to be. So, now I hate myself for failing to accept that. To accept that I shouldn't pretend to myself I could be friends with sexual guys. It's simply impossible, but instead of accepting it, I had to get myself into a situation where I have this really kind guy right in front of me, all interested and interesting, but I cannot try it with him. I should've never gotten myself into this situation in the first place, since now I have to pay the price. I suck, big time.

I really don't feel the need tto express anything I do to you as i don't care and I'm tired of getting lectured

1st of all I know you don't care about my bf you think he put me in this whole situation that he is selfish

2nd I think you're dumb to the economy and how it works: yes I have not gotten a job yet but at least I've been trying my hardest to find one and i guess that isn't good enough.

Third I don't need a countdown of how many years and months I've been here you think I havent been stressing out either?

I haven't given up on my goals I've just been hiding a lot from you

I'm getting really tired and frustrated with people telling/asking me to slow down making knuffel.

I do them for my pleasure. Because I RARELY take time to draw for myself. These are for me. Not you. And to be perfectly honest, every time someone says something it makes me want to draw knuffel even more. Just to prove that I'll keep going despite it all.

I almost never do things for myself when it comes to art. Can't you all just let me have this one thing? I finally found something to calm me down and relieve the stress from commissions....

I'm getting worried for the next person to say something. I feel myself getting closer and closer to snapping, which is stupid because I know it's really not that big of a deal. =_=

I just want to draw for me. Why can't I ever do that without being pounded with guilt?

Dear telemarketer. Really? Are you serious? You think being rude to me and being a racist prick will make me buy your product? I speak perfectly good English, thank you very much. I speak it much better than you do, judging by your slow, slurred way of speech. Is that supposed to help me understand you better? Or are you just drunk? Or maybe you just have some mental disability. That might explain your behaviour. Which was, by the way, unacceptable.

The only reason why I answered the phone in Korean was because your number was restricted, and those numbers usually mean either telemarketers, or my relatives in Korea. I prefer to err on the side of positive. That's my relatives, not you. And just because of that, you get to bring up North Korea, and tell me that it doesn't help to speak Korean outside of North Korea. So South Koreans don't speak Korean, now?

I've never been to North Korea. If I was from North Korea, I would not be in Canada. I would be dead. People who ask me whether I'm from North or South already piss me off. And these people are being politely inquisitive. You're being downright rude. Especially when you started parroting my Korean greetings before hanging up on me.

I see that you're getting paid hourly, rather than on a commission basis. Otherwise, you wouldn't have the leisure to be so rude to me. Well, I'm happy for you that you don't have to be polite to potential customers in order to get paid at your soul-crushing menial job. But you know what? This is just going to be a vicious circle. Customers are already rude to you telemarketers calling us during dinner and take up our time. We're only going to get ruder. And less willing to buy your shit. It will, slowly, effect your company. And guess who's gonna take the fall? Not the higher-ups. You are. Not that YOU care, right? You've made it clear enough.

Seriously. Do you REALLY need to take your prejudices with you to work?

I often feel like most people online only talk to me because of my art. Not necessarily to get free art or anything like that. Sometimes when I don't upload anything new in awhile I only have 1-2 people that come say hi once in awhile. I think I push myself to draw more often than I want to because it makes me feel less lonely having people coming in to comment on things and chat with me a little bit. Maybe I'm just boring when art is out of the mix... =__=

People around make me feel like shit.
Thank you, so called friends, for keeping me down.
Lost my will of fighting with it and I feel mentally sick of everything. I have enough of depression, fear and paranoias crawling in my head, each day is a struggle for me now.

I have a relationship with someone that I really mustn't have. That both our families wouldn't want us to be together; Now we just keep hiding from them, waiting for the right time for us to be together.

I used to work part-time as a waitress without having my parents' permission, Why? because I don't get enough pocket money for school and funds, and if I did tell them that *I already tried, once*, they'll just say that I'm just wasting the money and using them for other things unecessary (I don't think they even trust me, and it's really dangerous since I don't even have a working permit, police might arrest me, and I'm dead for it *stopped it already anyway*).

I used to have a case of paranoia, and mentally unstable at times. When I was younger, I never wanted to attempt suicide,But then I was trying to make the most of my life, I envy those who aren't diseased and weak .. as if I can see the end of mine coming too soon. Everyone was keeping me down, they kept telling me *or shout to my face* that I'm so useless, I'm such a burden, and why was I even born. My parents often get mad at me for no reason, blaming me for everything, I don't even know what I've done wrong. They never did understand me, they have always discouraged me with such things as the way I draw and how I play instruments (I mean like, what do they expect!? No one's even teaching me! ... Explains why most of the things I do are self-taught to myself).

--

I better stop here

I'm a bit upset. :qstr:

Sir you fumbled around with your keys at our 2nd interview I felt like that was so unfair and a waste of time. And then you call me sir over the phone

Screw you pizza hut

You're so judgemental you said you'd treat her like everyone else instead you gave her the third degree..and asked if she was fooling around? Asked if her parents approved and all of this other crud.

I hate my cat for getting pregnant. She is the worst cat/mother I never had in my life. Beside she can't cover up her poop in the litter box or poop and pee all over the floor when she living inside. She had to get pregnant and have 6 kittens 4 of them dead. One of the kitten was eaten by her. She left the kitten head in the cat bowl. We had to bring in the two only surviving kittens inside. Now one of them is sick and I'm scared it is going to die. I don't want anymore pets. All one I get always die on me.

Kingdom of Knuffel

Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...

Re: Dirty Little Secrets...