And only because I wanted to make some compromise between my "I want to be pregnant with our first child by the time I'm 25 at most" and his "we don't have the conditions to think about it". So you see, he's not even willing to talk or listen, while I need some assurance and planning and I want to know his opinion. It's that simple. I want to know how much I'll have to push my line up from 25. And instead of something relevant, I heard: "first child at 28 is socially acceptable" (my brain: I don't care if it is or not, irrelevant argument), "I'm afraid you'll be a bad mother", "I'm afraid I'll be a bad father", "I'll be raising a child AND you as well", "you're helpless a lot of times", "you have mood swings so I think you'll be mad and angry with kids all the time and I won't stand it and just walk out and neve go back".
All the above is just normal, besides maybe being angry, I mean wtf, I'm not a psycho, who the hell do you think I am, do you know me at all? am I such a monster in every day life? srsly? and helpless? thanks for appreciating all work I put into improving myself, that feels real good to know it's noticed. It's not like I'm actually that angry all the time, I'm oversensitive and I react with intense emotions at times. Sorry it shows when I'm tired and just can't wait to get some vacation. Plus I have a lot on my mind right now you know you sick fucker?
And THEN I heard some actually relevant stuff like "I thought more like 25 was my age for starting thinking about kids, I'm in no hurry to have them unlike you." So I ask, okay, so how far up should I put the bar? Because I don't want to have my first child in the age of 30 no matter how socially acceptable that is, I just don't want to. He says "I never said about 30". And I say "But you said 28, and that's too far for me. I can only go up to 27". So then I asked what he thinks about it (of course it was all in emotions and stuff, it wasn't calm at all, as soon as I touched the topic he got all angry and irritable and in defense mode) and he told me he doesn't know when he wants to have kids, he's not thinking about it right now and that I shouldn't worry because he's still with me, that means he loves me and that means he wants to have a family with me but he doesn't know when and me choking the answer out of him won't help me.
So I'm like "great, he doesn't even get what I tell him. His stupid male brain doesn't follow." I'm not asking of him to give me a specific date "honey, 25th March 2018, we can start trying" dog damn it you effing idiot, no! I'm asking what age he thinks he'd be more comfortable with the idea of trying. And he fucking doesn't know, or doesn't understand what I mean. The point is, there's no dialogue with him on that.
I'll turn 24 pretty soon, and that's shit close to 25, that's why I'm growing impatient. Because if you think logically: we want to have our own place first before we start trying. And we're pretty far from that, at least a year of saving, if not two. So I'm already 26 by then. Then we won't necessarily find a place fast, so let's say another 6 months. And then he would like to just live the to of us and be happy with the less stress-angry me. So yeah, 28 it is. That's far too close to 30 than I want.