Kingdom of Knuffel

I don't want to love my dad. Christmas with my dad is like... it's not even Christmas. I don't feel any love in my heart at the moment. My relationship with my mom is not the best. When my dad's not there, it's okay. We can talk. I don't mind leaving my computer alone for half an hour. I allow her to hug me. I hug her, kiss her cheek. When my dad is there? I can't feel love towards my mom because I'm full of bad feelings towards my dad.
I don't like this. My grandma died a few years ago. I never loved her. She took that christmas, it was all about her. Everyone cried. I was happy because I met a lot of my relatives on the funeral but they didn't. All they cared about was my grandma. My dad loved her of course, she was her mother. Now he's like a sick owl, he doesn't even try to be happy. or I don't even know, he doesn't look like that.
I'm selfish, an egoist. An only child. I'm grateful for not having any siblings. But I don't like being an egoist. Though I can't do much about it.
I don't think my prayers work.
I want to know Jesus personally. He doesn't have to appear in our house or something like this, I want to feel his love. I want to be God's child. But I'm still far away from that.

I say that I'm completely straight, yet I sometimes find myself staring at other females in ways I'm not suppose to. >w<

I don't think I can trust myself anymore. I make promises to myself that I break. I keep hurting my mind and emotions. I'm even struggling not to hurt myself physically. So far, the thought of my loved one being disappointed keeps me from doing physical damage. However, even he cannot tame the deepest darkest parts of my mind. So many problems I have not even mentioned to him, but he can only listen, he feels helpless. I feel terrible for creating such a situation for the both of us.

I'm quite sure that I have a depression... I just keep thinking all that sad and bad stuff... I honestly don't believe in myself and I quite often just want to die... But I really try not to. I do have several cuts... I blame my friends pets and some other things. My stepfather knows even that I haven't told him. Nobody else knows. I want someone else to know and maybe they could help me. I can't help myself...

I was really disappointed when the world didn't end on the 21st. I wish that at least something'd happen. A small thing that'd be unusal. I wished for a sign that would be the first moment of the rest of my life.

I'm scared. I don't think I'll make it. I don't know if I want to make it. I should be working on it now. But. I can't.

Everything about it is so scary. I'm worried. . . that I'll just be there and that's it. That what I've started wanting so much now, for so long, will never happen for me.
Sometimes, I really wish I knew you. I really wish you could be there. But it's the stupidest feeling and I've already been like this before and it's just going to hurt.

I don't know why I keep doing this. I want to keep ranting, to get all my problems out in the open, for someone to listen and not judge me. i know, the problems don't make the person, but I feel that I have so many I constantly worry about...it's starting to define me in a way I never wished to.

I should be getting therapy to help me cope, but I'm scared my parents will think it's an excuse for not focusing in school, that they'll accuse me of cheating their money just because there's no immediate results. I'm scared that I won't be able to take it. I'm afraid that I won't be able to develop good habits. I feel like I'm scared of everything...but life is just so confusing and my path in it feels so dark...

I am depressed because of my "friends"....
I think... or old friends...

I feel kind of guilty for being so relieved but at the same time I'm so happy it's just me and my best friend here at my house.