Kingdom of Knuffel

Your eagerness to pass judgment on me does not reflect well on you, Reverend. Maybe it's because you're not speaking to me in the context of your profession, but in the context of family. But you're not part of my direct bloodline either. Knowing your educational background, I thought you would've tried to use more effective means of trying to convince me, not saying it would've worked if you were someone else anyway. Not a nice try. You didn't even try hard enough.

You need to pay attention more than I do. You have no idea what i'm going through and since you don't really care either way, I won't tell you what it's like. I'm not literally hallucinating, I think. My thoughts just get out of control sometimes... Now I'm really not sure. I just want to go home.

I understand how my mind works. With enough effort I am able to trace any negative emotion or action back to a disfunctional thought that I can then rectify. I taught myself these things so that I had better understanding of myself and my enviroment and so I no longer felt limited to other people's expectations/reactions because of their conditioning and to change my own conditioning to be more beneficial to me, too. I know that I can be in full control of my mind so long as I put the effort in. I am continually amazed by how easy and straightforward life can be for me underneath all the layers.

But I'm lazy. Sometimes I don't like taking responsibility for myself. Sometimes I do blame people for things when I know full well where the source of the problem is. Sometimes I do let my thoughts get out of hand and spiral a bit out of control and end up in a threatened, or angry, or sad place. In this way I can be self-destructive, even though I know where that tendancy comes from and how to fix it, sometimes I just throw an internal tantrum.

I understand I'm human. But I know I can do better then this. It is a form of stagnation and I find it frustrating. I am getting better. Perhaps these cycles are a form of improvement in themselves. I need to give myself more credit.

Sometimes, I panic. It's when I realise what I'm doing. Part of me wants to hide my work under a rock and have it forgotten. No one has ever written a paper about this topic. I checked the academic journal databases already. I will have no bibliography besides my textbooks, which only offers very general information. What if what my analyses are wrong?

It's my final year. I guess I can't satiate my lust for knowledge from the academic silver platter anymore. The fucked up thing is I'm not even in post-grad. Is this supposed to happen so soon? How come there is no research on this topic? Blame academia for not deeming it important. Blame myself for being too scared to expand further.

I don't want to be held accountable. This paper is wrong. I know it. I barely have the specialized knowledge to take on something this big. My professor is going to mark it poorly. Ideally, I wish I could just throw this idea out there anonymously and have a whole bunch of experts discuss it instead. I just want to be a quiet observer in my little corner of the backstage. Pay me, yes, but don't give me the consequences of that discussion. I'm not ready yet.

You insensitive bitch. How have I come across the misfortune to have you as my elder? You're always complaining about me in some form and you expect me to smile all the time. How about I smile at your misfortunes or when you argue? it seems you want me to do that, with all your "don't be such a downer" talk. You know, I literally worried myself sick like that. Not that you care. You're too busy criticizing others' faults to fix your own.

I'm such a hypocrite. I used to talk so badly of my own mother. Now someone else is bad mouthing her right in front of me. It hurts. Why does it always hurt when someone else criticizes someone you love, even if you do that all the time?