Kingdom of Knuffel

I have had the entire weekend to write my section of this group paper. Now it is past 9pm and I still can't bring myself to become invested in this topic long enough to compose some writing.

It's not even due until mid-May, but I wanted this written before the weekend ended. I want to be able to walk into class tomorrow with a calm head and be able to be authoritative with this project, "because at least I did some work and have something to show for it"; if I can't I know I'm going to be a sobbing mess until I get it done. Shit, so far I'm the only one who has posted anything for this project...

I don't want this. Being alone, having no one to really talk to for the past year, it's torture being pushed by life to keep up. I'm tired. I was so tired over spring break and could never get any proper rest or proper headspace because I was left worrying about anything related to college and classes that I could find to worry about... I constantly feel overwhelmed; if I get stuck on something, like I am now, I think and fret about how I should get to work on something else if I'm not going to be productive as I am... and then proceed to worry and ponder about if I'll always be stuck in that same state of mind and never be able to finish what I am working on...

I want to get caught. I want to be able to be frank about what is in my mind with no regard towards how any other particular person might respond to what I say or how I say it; to write it all down-- and for someone to find it unintentionally and finally know how I feel. Because when it comes to being personal, private, and secretive, I'm just too good at it.

I feel bad about telling people how I'm lonely, want a friend, want a bestfriend/boyfriend/husband... when I'm so "picky". I don't think I'm picky. I think I know what I might actually find attractive and I think I know that no matter what bond I might make with another person, if I'm not physically attracted to them when I meet them then I still won't be by the time we're good friends. I think I know that I don't like what I perceive as typical "dates". I think I know a lot more things about myself than I did in the past. But no, I don't know them for sure; everything that's ever passed as a relationship in my life has just... stopped, so I can't really test my theories about myself; I have no one to test them with.

It's later now. And I'm no closer to writing about VPNs than I was when I started writing this post. Fuck. I don't want someone to just appear in my life and give me a big hug right now. I'm scared of meeting someone and building an entire relationship on the fact that I am currently miserable and need someone around. I'm impossible.

Now I know for sure that I would do anything - absolutely anything - to get her out of that house.

Why can't you accept me for who I am.

Maybe things would have been simpler had I not dropped. But...do I really think that? I dunno, it's all confusing.

I don't understand how people can trust men. I really wish I could, but I just can't.

There's so many things I still don't understand. So many things I don't know how to do. I'm sixteen and nowhere near independence. What's scarier for me is that I seem to have little desire to change. It's as if I'm addicted to moping about my situation.

I am going to psychologist because i used to cut my lower arms with sharp tipped scissors. I did that because of depression. I hate my own brother, because he yells at me all the time, insults me and always blames me for EVERYTHING. I am so shy, that i don't talk to people often, and even though no one bullies me, i don't really have friends. I was supposed to have a twin, but he/she died, before he/she was born, and ever since i found out, my depression got worse, because i realized that i could have a brother/sister who really loves me and is there for me.

What do you mean "punished accordingly"? It's not like i mind going to psychologist. Besides, what do i have to be punished for?