Kingdom of Knuffel

@Moi, you really should move out, the toxic environment doesn't do you any good... Are you sure there's no way for that to happen?

I am 110% sure.

I get a disability check every month that helps me pay my bills, but I'd have to spend nearly all of it on rent every month somewhere else xD

I also don't know anyone I could move in with because I don't know 95% of my family.
I'm closest to my mom, my dad, my sister and my aunt.
I never made it a point to go meet family and make new friends and such because I'm not good at it and I didn't want to xD

If it was a perfect world, I'd live on my own in the middle of nowhere and just have my family visit once in a while and be left alone but with internet and food and the like u8

Sucks. I take it you can't really find a job either? Would that remove the disability check? Or your disabilities are so severe it's just impossible?

It's impossible for me to work right now. Maybe some day I can, but as it stands, I can't function right around other people.
I've gotten better at it, but there's no way I could hold down a job.

I think people don't believe me or think I'm just lazy.
But if you see how I am in public - it's understandable.

But let's change the subject entirely because I'm sure people are tired of me whining xD

The weather here is ridiculous. It was like almost in the 80s and now it's in the 40s xD
I swear the animals are so confused because it keeps being hot, cold, hot, cold, hot cold xD

Brb having Katy Perry flashbacks

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

@Moi: I believe you 100%, I was just wondering what your situation is. Sometimes people don't see the chance for change even though there is something they can do to change things. Maybe it's just really hard to do it and they quit before they try (like my mom, I'm working on her, still...).
I totally understand if you don't feel like you can function and hold down a job. Though sometimes we doubt ourselves too much and we're actually stronger than we think. I don't know your exact situation tho, so it's really not my place to say more. I'm also not a specialist so yeah xD
I just wish I could help people

Kit: Oh my God I saw someone post that the other day and I thought I was having deja vu xD
You should see me when I get angry u8
"F** THIS STUPID B***H I HOPE SHE ooooh kitties 8U <3"

Well, I'm Agoraphobic and I don't get out much because I basically fear people and assume I'll die if I leave home. I go to the store with my mom and even being at the store for like 30 minutes, I get anxiety and get anxiety attacks.
I find it hard to order food, talk to cashiers, pay cashiers, interact with anyone I don't know.
I can't talk too good, my hands shake a lot, I say stupid things, etc.

I was talking to my therapist the other day about how I've become even more reclusive because of all the mass shootings and such.
It was normal for me to assume bad things will happen when I leave my home, but I had no proof.
Now I see people getting murdered just because they were out in public.
And my therapist told me he understood, but there's possible and probable.
He said "Could you be shot if you went out? It's possible. But is it probable? No, it's not."
But that didn't help me because I'm sure all those people thought it wasn't probable. And they're dead. So it can happen to me.

My anxiety disorder is the biggest pain in the ass in my life.
Like if I didn't have it - life would be way easier.

I actually didn't sleep much for about a year because I was so anxious about having an anxiety attack every night that I had anxiety attacks every night.
And that is STUPID. I told my psychiatrist and he said "It's not stupid, that's how anxiety works." but to me it's STUPID.
xD

I get agoraphobia. I don't have it, I'm just an introvert, but even talking to cashiers is stressful to me too, so I kind of get where you're coming from. Of course I know your thing is completely out of my scale though.

I agree that people don't think something might happen and then it happens, but I don't think it's worth it to bottle yourself up in the house and never going out. Sure, scary things might happen, but they don't have to happen. I live in Poland, so it's very safe here, but even in the US I get an impression the shootings only take place in places with a lot of people, like events, schools, concerts etc. So if you avoid such places you'd already be safer :)
I also believe in the law of attraction, so if you keep thinking negatively, more negative things will happen to you, because you attract them with your thoughts.

But your therapist is right, it's how anxiety works. And it's not stupid, it's just how it is. If you call anxiety a stupid mechanism, then you basically call yourself stupid for having it (law of attraction again, if you think you are something, you'll get everything that proves that thought despite it being a lie). Maybe what your therapist meant was, it's okay to be anxious. Having anxiety disorder and attacks is okay. Maybe if you give yourself permission to have it you'll deal with it easier.

They happen in shopping places. Malls, stores - places I usually only go to xD
Like I'm going to the grocery store later. Could happen. I doubt it, but it could.

It's not that anxiety is stupid because it serves a purpose. But anxiety disorders suck. And the fact I was having anxiety attacks because I was afraid of having anxiety attacks was just stupid to me. But I do consider myself stupid, so it's easy for me to say it because I'm talking about myself. And I don't like myself much xD

I have gotten better, though. I want people to understand that.
I used to not leave home at all. Now I will go out - I just don't want to or be out long.
My dad's been taking us out to eat for like four weeks now.
I like to get food and spend time with him, but I don't like restaurants.
And I find it weird people used to force me because even my grandpa didn't like going out to eat or being in stores. But it was okay for him because that's who he was.
But for me - nah, it's not okay.

Some days I even talk to people. Like if a worker says "How are you?" I will say "Good. You?"
Used to not answer at all. And I know that came off as rude, but I was scared xD
I also can't control my voice sometimes. I remember this cashier was so sweet and asked how my day was and I said "Fine." but it came out in such a hateful tone. And I felt so bad because I wasn't in a bad mood at all xD

One thing that bothers me is talking to cashiers and having to pay.
My hands shake a lot and when I'm anxious - I shake more.
Sometimes I can't get my money out or count it so I just stand there fumbling and wasting everyone's time xD

For a long while now I've been cherrypicking the negative voice in my mind that tells me I'm and idiot because e.g. I didn't put my PC password right. So I pick that thought, I tell it a big fat NO, I'm not an idiot, I just clicked too fast and missed some letters, it happens. I type fast because I'm impatient and I care.
This way I'm trying to improve my self-esteem and it's working. I know it sounds silly and it's basically talking to yourself and finding an excuse to why you "failed" to do something "right", but even if I scold myself for something so trivial as a wrong password, I'll be a lot harsher to myself for something bigger, like being moody during pms and lashing out at someone.
It's important to start with those small things, the silliest ones and at first it felt super weird to just talk to myself like: *does some insignificant thing wrong* Idiot, you can't even do that. NO. I'm not an idiot, I'm human and humans make small errors like that. It's okay, and it's no big deal. I'll just try again."
And with bigger things, like lashing out, I'll just admit to myself that yes, I was wrong, I could've acted differently. So now the thing I can do to fix it is e.g. to apologize.
I give myself the right to "fail" and "be wrong" and to be "imperfect", 'cause that's my biggest problem. I want to be perfect and for people to like me.
The more I notice I'm the one putting myself down, the more I fight with it and the less frequent those negative thoughts are.

For you, it essentially shouldn't matter what your family thinks, because sure, they're the ones who put you down, but do you do anything to contradict that and protect yourself? Or do you just agree with them and tell yourself you're stupid for having anxiety over having anxiety?
What YOU think of yourself is so much more important than what other think of you, even if it's your family.

Kingdom of Knuffel

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