Kingdom of Knuffel

Just a thread for me to post my poetry. I would appreciate it if you guys could take your time to read and review.

Sisters

Once I used to look up to you.
You were everything I wanted to be,
you were beautiful, smart, and kind;
you were my guardian, my friend, my sister.

So why is it,
that all I can do is think about you and cry?

Maybe it was the letters.
The ones I wrote to you every day.
Each word carefully written,
each page another dime spent in vain.
One perfect letter
from the dozen discarded around my feet.
One perfect letter
with no reply in weeks.

Or maybe it was your name.
Every time it was called,
I turn to look hoping against all odds
that perhaps this time you would be there
and you never were.

Or maybe it was your return.

I was so excited,
my head so filled with thoughts of you
for a moment I forgot your name,
and you were just as I remembered.

You were beautiful, smart, and kind;
you were my guardian, my friend, my sister.

So why is it,
that everything changed and now I can't look you in the eye?

Perhaps it was the lies,
the ones so big that I was left wondering,
if the next time I got a phone call from you
it would be in jail.

Perhaps it was the promises,
the ones you always made,
but never really kept
despite how many times you said you would.

Perhaps it was me,
for changing as much as you had.
If you knew would you hate me
as much as I hate you?

I'm tired of saying, "I love you,"
and never really meaning it.
I'm tired of saying, "I'm alright,"
even when I'm not.
I'm tired of being the one to give hugs,
when I really want one instead.
I'm tired of being your strength,
when I'm scrambling to find my own.

My walls are crumbling,
and you were the one to tear them down.
It's not fair when you cry in front of me,
when I can't cry at all.
It's not fair that I can't say "I hate you,"
because I know that it isn't really true.
It's not fair that no matter how many times
you betray, disappoint, and abandon me
I still hope that next time you'll be there.

Because in the end we're sisters
and as much as I hate you,
I love you just as much.

This poem is not one of my best works, but it's my most emotional one. If you hadn't already guessed, it's about the relationship between me and my sister. It's a very touchy issue and I don't really feel comfortable talking about it with my family or friends. Hopefully this will help me sort out all the emotions inside of me, and now I have over a decade worth of tears to cry myself to sleep with.

A Morning Walk
Too much, too much
it's all crowding in!
Quick! Escape!
Plug in those headphones
and turn on the radio.

Ahh, bliss,
fade into the pounding notes
savor the silence.

No! Too fast, too fast! It all came rushing back. you'regettingsofatyoucandobetterthisisawarningwhycan'tyoudobetteristhatallyoucando?

Why?! Why?! Why?!
am I not good enough?
am I too stupid?
am I too boring?
What did I do wrong?

Better question:
What did I do right?

Nothing, nothing
I've done nothing right.
A burden, that is all.
Maybe it would be better
if I di-

NO! NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! no!

Stop it! Don't think!
Turn up the radio
fade into the silence
and smile when you say "good morning"
because I am Happy.

I am Happy.

I am...

Night Night
hold onto this feeling for it will comfort me in the dark of night.
push those tears back, hold onto them despite the burn
keep control for just a moment longer
and once no one is looking
fall apart with music so loud that none can hear
then, once all is calm again, giggle until there's no breath left
finally sleep until my tired body feels well again.

Across the Sea

Across the sea lies a land
so different from my own.

A place so big and vast and wide
that I can only hope to see in dreams.

It's that place that took your away from me
when I was just but four years old

It's that land I see reflected in your eyes,
not this tiny island in the middle of the sea

It's that place you always talk about
with a smile on your face

It is that place that rules your mind
as I struggle to hold your heart

Across the sea lies a land
so very different from my own

A place so dark and cold and distant
that I can only flee from in my dreams

It's that place that you escape to
a short phone call my only warning

It's that place you now live
leaving me on this tiny island

It that place that has changed you
and sadly it's changing me too

It's that place that now separates us
Sister now only in name

It's that place

Across the sea

Who can see the real me?

Who in the world can see the real me?
The me who I've hidden deep beneath the sea.
Beneath all the smiles
and all the lies.
Beneath all the giggles
and tears I cannot cry.
Who in the world can see the real me?
The me who is so lost that even I can't see.
Who in the world can see the real me?

Today
Today I fell and cut my knee,
scrapped it up real good,
there was blood all down my leg,
but I smiled and said I was fine
because really, it didn't hurt.

Today I was lectured by my teacher,
said I was falling behind and she didn't understand because she knows I could do better,
she warns me that I got to shape up or I'm going to fail.
I nod my head and get up to leave; she stops me and says I'm bleeding.
My knee has started bleeding and I look just as surprised as she is
because I didn't know that I was bleeding.
I put on the band aid that she offers and smile when she asks if I'm okay,
because I am and really it didn't hurt.

Today my boss reprimanded me.
Said the other girls were complaining about me.
Said that I talk really mean to them despite the fact that I can't remember ever doing so.
Said that I shouldn't be talking that way when I'm new and the other girls have been working a lot longer than I have.
I nod my head and smile when he finishes talking, taking his advice to heart.
I don't feel the need to ask him for a band aid because my knee has started bleeding again.
I have work to do, I was lucky to have gotten this job,
and really, it didn't hurt.

Today my mother yelled at me again.
She's mad because I'm not like other girls my age.
She's mad because I've never had a boyfriend.
She's mad because I don't have a driver's license.
She's mad because I don't think like an adult.
And I smile because I know that behind her anger and hurtful works that she's worried about me.
Because I'm not like most girls and she doesn't know how to deal with that.
So I smile and promise her that I'll try to get my license even though I'm terrified of driving.
She storms out as quickly as she had stormed in, her anger cooling just as quickly.
I get up and reach for the top self filled with things like medicine and band aids
because my knee has started bleeding again.
My brother sees and he asks why I didn't say anything and I smile just a little bit wider,
because really it didn't hurt.

Today my brother ran away from home.
He didn't think he could live up to our parents expectations of him.
Couldn't give them the grand children they wanted because he was gay.
He left behind a suicide note telling us that we were free to any of his possessions because they had never really been his, and I cried for the first time in years;
I'm crying, and running, and searching because I need to find him.
Because I can't let him go
Because he's my brother
It's night time when he comes home, I hug him and didn't let go.
I'm so happy that he's back that I can't help but smile when my mother lectures me.
Tells me that I should watch him more closely and talk to him more, to see if there was something we did wrong, and I agree because all this time I was right beside him and I didn't notice until we had almost lost him.
I didn't mention that my knees had been torn open in my frantic search for him; my jeans hide the blood,
and because it really didn't hurt.

Today I noticed silvery little lines that mark my brother's arm.
I asks him how he got those, he hesitates but he tells me anyway.
How sometimes he would hurt himself and it would release some of the stress that had been building up inside of him.
I told him that I didn't understand how something so painful could be a release for him, he looked all funny at me for a second before pulling up my pants leg.
My knee is all bust up, scab upon scab stacking up on each other.
That's different I said, those don't hurt and I wasn't trying to hurt myself.
That's different I said, because my life is different from his.
I'm happy I said, I go school, I have a job, and our parents love me.
It's different I said and my brother looks hurt.
He says nothing, doesn't talk to me again, but from time to time I notice when he refuses to look at me. It's okay I tried to tell him,
because really, it didn't hurt.

Hello Tiamatsan,

I really like all of your poems! I think all of them painted some interesting pictures in my head :)

I especially liked A Morning Walk and Today. The first one because it is a very interesting and different style, but gives a strong and kinda eerie feeling at the same time.
In Today I liked how the style and mood gradually change from stanza to stanza, how it gets more detailed and more grave in theme. And I like the repeated "really, it didn't hurt", it's very intriguing. One question though, is it intentional that the "really" and "it" are reversed in the stanza before the last? It is interestingly breaking the pattern, and I can't help but think about what it means.

Thanks for sharing these with us!
Chrizine

Beautiful words, really good.