Kingdom of Knuffel

I walked across the silver sands
And paused as starlight caught my eye
That danced above the gentle waves
And shattered under liquid sky.

Stars shone and sparkled on the sea
And vanished into foaming shore
Then glimmered into sight again
And shifting constellations formed.

But all too soon, the starlight dimmed
And as the moon relieved the sun
They merged into the evening sky
And gleamed like jewels when day was done.


~Comments and critiques are welcome!~

Thanks!

Not bad

It a nice poem but the last two lines
"They merged into the evening sky
And gleamed like jewels when day was done."
The sun does not come up in the evening, it comes up in the morning. Also, the sun and moon don't merge in the sky, they share it. Maybe work of the rhythm a little. It's a good start, keep working on it.

@ OneHope: Thank you!

@PupDragon: Thank you for your comment. I apologize if I didn't make it clear enough - the majority of the poem occurs during the daytime and describes the reflection of sunlight on the ocean waves (eg. "liquid sky" and the comparison of the sunlight to stars.) In the last stanza, the 'starlight' on the ocean recedes into the skyline. Instead of the metaphorical stars, we now see the true stars in the night sky. The allusion to 'jewels,' for example, refers to the oft-repeated comparison of stars to diamonds in the sky. The moon in the poem 'relieved' the sun – it took over the sun's role in illuminating the sky. I did not mention the moon and the sun merging.

Could you please provide some specific examples of where I need to work on the rhythm? I admit, I can't see how I broke the iambic tetrameter.

Again, thank you for your input. I truly appreciate the time you took to post a review of my work.

Stars shone and sparkled on the sea
And vanished into foaming shore
Then glimmered into sight again
And shifting constellations formed. ((<--- I think you add a beat here))

But all too soon, the starlight dimmed
And as the moon relieved the sun
They merged into the evening sky
And gleamed like jewels when day was done. ((<----and you add a beat here))

(Capital letters indicate where the stresses are placed.)

and SHIFT(1)ing CON(2)steLLA(3)tions FORMED(4).
'Formed' consists of only one syllable.

and GLEAMED(1) like JEWELS(2) when DAY (3) was DONE(4).
'Gleamed' and 'jewels' (JOOLS) also only consist of one syllable.

I'm still not entirely sure where I broke rhythm...I'm sorry if I'm being obtuse.

The imagery here is splendid. I imagine a painting of fantastical blend of colors.
I do not see where you broke rhythm though. Then again, I am not exactly a connoisseur of poems, I just enjoy imagery in them.

Thank you! I was mainly focusing on the rhythm and imagery for this one – I'm afraid there isn't much of a deeper meaning behind it.