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   [ 54 posts ] 
Who's crazy here?
you are  3%  [ 3 ]
K is  18%  [ 16 ]
you both are  5%  [ 4 ]
everyone is  29%  [ 25 ]
no one is  6%  [ 5 ]
the Mad Hatter is  39%  [ 34 ]
Total votes : 87
 Post subject: I hate my sister
Posted: May 2nd, '17, 15:35    


memoriam

Joined: Feb 14th, '11, 01:50
Posts: 19363
Hugs: 245940
Mood: Mood.
Location: Poland; in my bubble.
Okay, so maybe it's time finally. If not for someone to read, maybe for myself to let it all out. Because it apparently bugs me and I have no psychologist yet. And I can't figure out if I'm right or wrong QuQ
I'll try to make it all quick and to the point, but mind you, it's over 10 years long story. I don't know how clear it will be, as I might've forgotten some details. And some things came to me randomly during typing it all down.
I've been working on this story for 5 days in total, writing it down and editing so it would make some sense. I hope I've succeeded.


Her husband

Let's just call him M&M, it will help me mock him and stay less emotional about this person.
So I come from an alcoholic, drug-addiction filled family. Mom sent us both for psychological help. I went to so called "support-group", my sister (let's call her K) to a real therapy, since it was aimed for adults from families like ours, and K was old enough to enter it. She met her current husband there and after sometime they started dating, against the rules of therapy (I'm not entirely sure, but I think M&M finally dropped out of the therapy because the psychologists didn't think his way; he never took any other therapy and he then was advising K to never go to psychologists again, beause they know shit and she agreed with him, even though she told us the therapy helped her). It's a whole other story, but at the beginning K didn't even like M&M like that, thought of him like a co-attendant of the therapy, but then he kissed her, asked her to become his GF and she agreed. She came home crying that she doesn't like him like that. But she never backed out and they stayed together.
The moment I met M&M I hated him. He was strange, never looking anyone in the eyes (he's got crazy eyes, they are hollow; you know how people say eyes are the mirror of a person's soul? it appeared to me as he had no soul, he scared me from the beginning), bragging about inappropriate things ("I lost virginity when I was 13", "I kicked out my dad out of the apartment because he was a drunk", "I used to beg for a job from people, because I was a kid living alone", "my dad used to let me drive his car when I was a kid", etc. they aren't all exactly things you'd like people to know about you, and he was saying them in front of our mom also) and obviously wanting to make an impression, like "I'm awesome" impression. He seemed fake to me instead. Scarred by life, okay, but totally fake, all about the talk. He was also making inappropriate comments to our mom and he was touching K in front of us in weird ways, kind of affection, but there was something very sexual and disgusting about it and mom and I both told him that we'd rather not see it. However K defended him, saying it was okay and normal.
Even our dad and grandpa agreed on this one thing, that they didn't like M&M. And they have never agreed on anything before. They royally hated each other. And yet, they had the same opinion on K's bf. That this guy has only the talk, there's nothing more to him.
The thing is, he was just weird, strange, odd, I don't know. Kind of sly, disgusting. I didn't like him. Every time I saw him, I was instantaneously furious. I told mom and my sister that, telling K he's not good for her. They blamed it on "you're jealous, because he's taking your sister away". And I believed them, so I forced myself to try and like him.
Of course, because he was 'oh so resourceful and smart' and what not and he had his own apartment (that's what he told us at the beginning, but then it turned out it was his grandmother's apartment, who used to live there with her husband, who was a policeman, that was why they even got the apartment in the first place; and also he was letting one room to strangers, illegaly; so he lied to make himself look better), and because K was butting heads with mom over alimony, she moved out to his place.
I visited them multiple times and I've heard and seen how he's treating her. He criticised her on everything. "You can't cook, you can't clean, you don't even have a job. I can't do everything for you."
Or his comments like "I think your sister is prettier than you. I like her body more. Are you attracted to me Mem?" Well, of course I told him to never speak like that again, that he's hurting her saying things like that in front of her and that it also makes me uncomfortable. And no, I am not attracted to him in any way. "HOW COME YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME?! I'm saying nice things, like I'm attracted to you and I think you're pretty and you're not attracted to me? I don't believe you!" He couldn't comprehend it. I mean seriously. I've told her many times, he's no good, listen what he's saying, look how he's treating you, leave him. No. He's also been having outbursts of rage (throwing and breaking objects, I was scared he'll start hitting her in a while, she neglected my fears) and he's been on some meds prescribed by a psychiatrist countless times. It was scary as shit to leave her there with him. It seemed to me he was unpredictable. And I was worried about her, that he'll hurt her sooner or later.
So, after some time, she got a job at KFC. She was dying in there. He told her to quit her German studies, even though she was truly passionate about the language, because "his auntie, Germanist, told them there was no future in German language". Now, I sometimes look around for translating offers. There are TONS of offers for translators from/to German. And it's HUGE money. Oh, well, now it's lost, because she was stupid and listened to them. Never went back to uni. I think there was also something about that they couldn't afford to pay the bills and her school t the same time, so there's that. Although she made it to the free studies, but she somehow overlooked the deadline to confirm she was interested and the free studies were lost for her. Her own stupidity, imo. Anyways, they had options they didn't even want to consider because for the life of her she didn't want to come back living with me and mom. We didn't want her to quit her studies, knowing how passionate she was about it and knowing languages is one of the best possible carriers nowadays. But it was K's decision.
M&M didn't even want to get married. K had to give him an ultimatum I think and even then it took him a year to finally propose. Then they somehow got married after 2 or so years of being engaged.


The Summer House

Grandpa and grandma bought some land outside the city and grandpa was building a summer house, with his own hands, some helpers. At first my dad was helping, but as I mentioned the two hated each other, so that didn't go well. Then M&M stepped in, showing he wanted to help with the house (for money, of course, he only did things for something, favor for favor is his mentality, even in marriage, which is sick imo, but whatever). Grandpa took his help, and having spent many hours in his company, he has developed a terrible opinion on M&M. He used to tell mom to tell K that M&M wasn't a proper guy for her, but what could mom do? We've both told her that already, mom told him to tell K that himself, but he never did. But I suppose that wouldn't change anything, although I often ask myself 'what if...?' and it seems grandpa wouldn't ever let the next events happen.
Grandpa died of lung cancer, I think in 2007.

M&M tried his best to maintain so-so relationships with mom, me and grandma. Soon mom was his worst enemy, having spent as much time with him as grandpa (she was as active on building the summer house as he was). I've tried to improve my opinion of M&M for K, as I mentioned, but seeing how he treats her I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't approve of him, not like my opinion mattered anyways, what can a brat like me know, right? It's true love, after all and we're all against them. So I was his second worst enemy.
After grandpa's death, grandma was in charge of the house that was left unfinished. But granny didn't have any clue, and with grandpa gone, she also had less money and her depression didn't help either. Throughout the years she managed to slowly do something about the house, and when it was in a shape that someone could move in and actually live in there, M&M began helping out again. Grandma is used to use bad wording, like "when I die, all of this is for you". But by "you" she actually meant all of us, so mom, me and K (and speaking not only about the summer house, but also the apartment she is still living in). But somehow M&M and K understood the house is gonna be theirs. So they started dreaming. By that time I've already met my bf (let's stick with Asherin). M&M (not K, mind it) began talking to me with offers like "when your grandma dies, we could share like this: we take the house, you and Ash take the apartment. Because you're more of a city girl, aren't you? You don't even go to the summer house, you're not doing anything there, you're not interested in it, right? And we've done so much with this house, I was building it from the start with your grandpa and all." So I go WHOA, STOP! 1) grandpa was building it from the start and mom was building it from the start. You didn't do much and you took money for it, so stay away. 2) granny's not dying. 3) the first and only person to inherit anything after granny WHEN she dies, is mom. Period. 4) maybe I'm not interested in the summer house, sure. But maybe I will be by the time I will be inheriting it WITH K and AFTER mom's passing away. So that's like a thousand years from now and I'm not going to think about it when I haven't even finished high school(!). So stop trying to make a deal with me, because I'm not discussing this matter with K, and let alone with you.
They kept on dreaming, talking to grandma about how they'd love to live in the summer house (she and also mom have been dreaming that same thing, btw, just saying), raise kids there and what not. Granny's like "well, maybe, after you guys get married". Granny's an old-fashioned religious zealot. She's also not good with money, planning or thinking on her own... But let's forgive her that, she's had it rough since birth (grand-granny was 8 months pregnant in a train, the train derailed and grand-granny went into labor with a woman cut in half on her preggy belly... and it was 1940, so war -.- and you don't want kids when it's war, + unfortunate childhood and stuff).
So they finally got engaged, still asked granny if they could move in, that they'd be a help with all the current problems in the house, she still said that she'd rather after the wedding.
So, I don't know if they made it up or they painted it worse than it was... But apparently M&M's grandma got the idea to come back to her old apartment, the one they were living in currently, and that she'll kick out their illegal roommates and K will take care of her while M&M will make money. That's the story we heard from them. I don't know what was the truth. Anyways, M&M was always describing his grandmother (also his mother, who was addicted, depressed and left the house and never came back, is deceased; and his older sister who moved out of the abusive house and left him alone with their drunk father, but again, who knows what the truth was? Just few years later he was perfectly fine with his sister, no butting heads anymore. Mind you, that for a long time we didn't even know he had family, because he told us he's all alone, and suddenly he has a grandmother, an older sister, 2 or 3 aunts and everyone's super rich and either super helpful to him or super bitches, depending on his mood apparently) as a terrible person. I don't know the truth though.
M&M tore down all renovations he's made in the apartment (dafuq? WTH's wrong with you? who does that?), because it was for his money and his grandmother apparently didn't deserve them. And they asked my grandma if they could stay at her summer house. They said it's gonna be cheaper for them, because they're not going to be paying some stranger for the rent. Mom and I told them it's not gonna be cheap at all, but they didn't listen. And of course, having heard the evil grandma story, my grandma felt complied to agree. They still weren't married. And grandma agreed behind mom's back (and by that time mom already had inherited 1/4 of the summer house, after grandpa, but still, granny should've asked, right or no?). So we were both outraged. Anyway, they were still living in the summer house despite our outrage. And from the very beginning all they did was complain. That it's far from the city, that everything either is broken or gets broken easily and they have to repair everything. That the gasoline is expensive, that the basement is being flooded, that it's cold in the house. Okay, no one asked you to live there and you had also other options, like moving in with his beloved auntie who effing owns a villa(!), or rent an apartment like other people do. We warned you it's not gonna be as cheap as you think, you didn't listen. And besides, grandma was helping out a ton with the costs, starting by paying the electricity bills, and many other stuff, but that's later also.
They were asking money or refund for everything. Like, the toilet flush was perfectly fine, working. They moved in? Bam, it's "broken" and M&M "can't fix it". The same with the toilet seat, it suddenly broke when they moved in, and they bought a new one, super expensive, even as for a porcelain toilet seat. Here's the thing, the one they bought was plastic, not porcelain, so the price was like out of space and it's no way it was the real price. And he "somehow" didn't have the bill, but he did demand a refund. He also broke one door, new one, grandma was super happy to have bought all the doors for the rooms in the house. He punched a hole in one of them. Of course they denied it was his fault, but I've seen him in rage mode, punching and throwing things. I know it's his doing. Of course I told K it was just a matter of time when he'll stop using objects to relieve his anger and will start hitting her. She didn't believe me, because she knows him better and I hate him, so it's only natural I said that. Yeah, because I still cared about her, so I was telling her things like that, because I was concerned and worried. I didn't want my sister, with whom I was very close once, to be with a psychotic, unpredictable guy, I didn't want her hurt. But she was stubborn and adamant on staying with him. I thought it's out of pity. I'm not sure anymore.
Every time M&M drove our grandma to the summer house, she paid for the gas. She also always had a bag full of food with her, and she cooked in there for them. For every sunday he drove her to the nearby church, she paid him, making sure K saw it.
They also were changing things in the house, like taking a furniture after grandma's parents outside, behind the house. It was then ruined with sun, rain and other atmospheric conditions. Grandma was devastated, because it was one of the few things she had left after her parents, she wanted to keep it in the summer house and they didn't even inform her about taking this furniture outside, they just did it. Just like they changed a few things in the garden and they were just doing things as they pleased without consluting grandma or mom. They even sold apples and figs from the trees, without asking either mom or grandma and they never shared the profit either.
They were complaining about the costs of living there, even though grandma was the one to pay for the expensive bills, like electricity and she helped them with water, even though come on, you live there, you use the water, not granny, pay for it, you offered to live there yourselves.
In winter they demanded money to buy wood because they were cold in the house. Come on, why should granny buy the wood for your asses to get warm? She has one pension, you have two salaries, you're the ones living in the house and using all the stuff, you can't expect to live there and granny paying for you, funding you at all times. She's already kind enough to even let you live there and didn't demand any rent or anything from you. She's also let you stay there even though it's illegal, because the house isn't ready and the neighbours could easily rat her out and put her in trouble. Stop being ungrateful bastards. (I forgot M&M also had a few fights, like actual fist-fights with the neighbour...)
They were acting like the house was already theirs, even though no one ever told them it's gonna be theirs (not counting grandma's bad wording, K knows her, she should've known what she meant). They even got a dog, also without anyone's consent. It was a day Asherin and I were visiting them for the last time in the summer house. Again, M&M was treating K terribly, barking orders, criticising her actions, even yelling at her in front of us. He also assigned tasks to everyone, even though we were their guests. I know, guests can help, too. But it's usually like "do you need help with anything?" more than "you! do this and that!" (King of Knuffel anyone? lol). No "please", no anything. But we helped still, making half-jokes about how it doesn't matter if K'll stir the soup with a spoon or a fork so there's no need to yell for that or for folding his clothes "wrong" (aka, not the way he wanted). Then the boys left to get the dog and we were left alone, finally able to talk. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I remember M&M barged back into the house, yelling his lungs out: "what are you two idiots doing! we need help! I dropped fucking screws in the grass, and they're gone and what are you doing, blabbing while you're supposed to look out if we're coming back!" And we both asked him, like what, we're supposed to look out the window, and with dreamy eyes just watch out for your ass to be dragged back in here because maybe you'll be in need of help? How were we supposed to know you'll drop some stupid screws in the grass while it's already dark outside? We didn't even think any screws were involved in the first place and we're not mind readers.
This turned into an argument between them. I hated it, he was yelling at her for nothing, he was being unfair (my soft point, I hate injustice, one of my fears is I'm being unfair to someone - kind of why I'm sharing this whole story with you) and I stepped in, saying a thing or two. Maybe it was wrong of me, but I think it's not okay to just listen to people have an argument and not try to get the crazy person to think straight again. But he walked to me with a gesture, like he wanted to slap me any second. And his hand was really close to my face. He told me to shut up and not to intervene. She didn't back me up. Even if she agreed with him about me not intervening (which is fine), I'm sure he'd hit me and she'd do nothing (and here's my problem). Maybe it was my mistake, but in that moment I felt I lost all support in her, all trust in her, that I can't count on her as I used to, that she's changed and not at all like I remembered her from childhood. Like she wasn't there for me anymore. "Because someone intervening in the argument is unhealthy". Backstory time: We used to intervene in our parents' fights back when we were kids. Because we were scared they'd hurt one another. We didn't do it often, but when we felt it's going too far, we stepped in. I remember one time mom took a knife and threatened dad, I was terrified. So. When M&M showed me his hand, ready to hit me (although K still denies it, saying he'd never hit anyone, which also proved to be total bullshit, but that's for later), it was like one of those fights again. I was scared of him and it stayed with me for a long time since. Actually I've developed a phobia, I was seeing him everywhere, I was having panic attacks just thinking about him. But maybe that was by my own mistake, I don't know, maybe I asked for it.
M&M eventually left the house, I don't know why he wanted to talk to Asherin, I can't remember (to calm down maybe? I dunno). I was left with K. I told her how scared he made me, how I don't like him for certain reasons and that no one in the family likes him. That even grandpa didn't like him, back when he lived. I literally begged her not to marry him that night. I told her he'll destroy her and that I fear her safety and mental health. But she shrugged it all off, saying I was wrong, that grandpa really liked him and everyone doesn't know him as well as she does, and that she knows what she's doing. Yeah, but that was just the way our mom was thinking when she was marrying dad, she's still going through her therapy. And K didn't even properly go through with hers, too distracted with having a boyfriend. Plus she didn't continue it.
Anyway, they gave the dog away few days later, because M&M wasn't pleased with it.

Somewhere meantime grandma made her last will, leaving everything for all three of us: 1/3 of each apartment and the summer house for mom, 1/3 for me and 1/3 for my sister, all because grandma wanted to make it all even for everyone. Mom and I were both outraged, because we both think mom should be the only one to inherit anything, since she's grandma's only child and K and I are only her grandchildren, which shouldn't have any meaning, we'd get everything anyways, only later. K was mad at granny, but her argument was this: "if you share everything for everyone, no one has anything. It's better to give the house to one of us and the apartment to the other, and besides mom already has an apartment of her own and Mem and I have nothing." This pissed me off (not to mention how angry mom was). She practically demanded the house go to her, the apartment to me and leave mom with nothing, because she already has a place to live in. OMFG. It doesn't matter if she does. Maybe she'll sell it before you can get it and will share the money between the two of us. Maybe she'll let it to someone. I don't care. The law and custom says the children inherit everything after their parents. It's not about what you want or wish for, mom is the only person entitled to any inheritance after grandma. Period. How dare you even say something like that?
So mom and I talked to grandma without K involved. We told her what we think, that M&M and K just want the house for themselves, that's how they are acting and it shows. And it's not a good idea to even have them there anymore. They literally demanded money for living there, WTH, that's cheeky. Granny didn't want to believe us, cause she's a naive creature (and not too bright as I mentioned) and wants to see good in everyone. She just wants peace and quiet and smiles among everyone, no matter what's happening, avoiding trouble at all cost. But she eventually caved and agreed to change her last will back to the lawful state where only mom inherits after her. K was furious, because she deemed it unfair that mom will get everything.
I think it was also then, that grandma agreed to tell K and M&M to move out of the summer house as soon as they got married and found a place to rent, because of their unacceptable behavior. Guess what they did. They visited our grandma's siblings and generally grandma's all family (I think it was when they were giving out the wedding invitations, which we didn't get yet, which was unacceptable, the close family should receive the invitations first) and told them lies how grandma isn't helping them with anything, that she's kicking them out for no reason while they are in a tough situation, that they have nowhere to go, they invested huge money in that summer house and that grandma promised the house will be theirs. And she's kicking them out. They also told dad and his mom all this. (Fun fact, M&M hates our dad, because he thinks of him as a drunk and he despises him; one time M&M was driving us after visitting dad for Christmas, M&M was trashing and talking shit about our dad, and K didn't stop him as I remember. Only I said that it's our father he's talking about and despite everything he might've done in the past I still have some love and respect for him, so I don't want to hear him trash talking about him, because he has no right to be angry at him, K and I do. And that I don't give him permission to talk like that about my father; [I rarely even let my bf get angry at my parents, even though I know he is. I always tell him it's my parents, and sure, they hurt me in few ways, but if I'm don't hold any grudge against them, he can't either.] One time K accidentally called and stayed on the line with mom while they were driving away from dad's place, and M&M was trash talking our father again, and then about all our family. Mom listened to everything she could, it wasn't pretty, but she just made sure we were right all along. K didn't oppose to M&M's trash talk though. Sorry for huge brackets "orz) Everyone was furious at grandma. Her sisters (her brother was the only one to doubt M&M, since he didn't like him from the beginning anyways for the same reason as dad and grandpa: the guy's all talk, nothing else) came calling her, telling her WTH are you doing, kicking them out, they are getting married and that's what you do to them for their new life? And grandma, mom and I should be ashamed of ourselves for interrupting their love and life. Instead of actually doubting this stranger who goes lying about their own sister, they believed his every word and turned against the three of us. This only proved to me that family relations are nothing (I have to reluctantly agree with K and M&M here to some extent, rather further than the closer, but family is only on papers - their own words, apparently true, but they seem to think that also about close family members, too, and I'm not sure about that). Grandma had to explain the situation to everyone, but one of her sisters remained on K and M&M's side. And it's not like K was the one to speak. From the family's description, she only remained silent or nodded, while M&M was talking. How rude, cheeky and inappropriate. I mean you have to have a nerve to go turn the whole family that isn't yours, against only 3 people, and with lies. (If I go to mom or dad and the topic goes to K, I start trash talking. I'm sorry, I'm angry with her. But Asherin only adds to what I'm saying and supports me. He doesn't feel entitled to talk shit about her, even though I know he's furious at her antics. But I'm the main talker. Ash starts talking only when he notices my family starts attacking me for holding grudge against K. I mean have the guts to say things you think and don't just nod along when somebody else, from outside your family, talks shit about them.)

I don't know when it was, because I can't remember, but I recall all of us: grandma, mom, me and Asherin standing in the hall of granny's apartment while K was crying and M&M was yelling that mom will never see her grandchildren, he then dragged K out, she was clinging to the door frame, but he got her out and closed the door so hard it somehow broke the door's hinges some way, can't really describe it, but the door kind of went slightly lower than it normally was and granny had to repair it. She didn't demand refund, like we told her to, because she didn't want any more trouble. Oh! I think it was when they told grandma straight to her face that she's never paid for their gas - she has, never helped them out on the costs of living in the summer house - electricity bills? water bills? bags of food every weekend? Yeah, no help at all. And K didn't deny, she agreed with him.


The Wedding

Meanwhile there were wedding preparations. K asked mom to sew her the wedding dress (mom's a tailor) at first, but then she quickly changed her mind. She motivated it that she just saw this dress online and she fell in love and it's not at all that she just hates mom and doesn't want anything to do with her. Mom has called a few times, offering her help in the wedding preparations, but K said they didn't need her help, that everything is being taken care of by them and M&M's sister (let's call her E). And that she'll only need mom to do some sewing amendments on her dress. But then mom called one last time and K accused her that she had not taken any interest in helping them with preparations and so on, she cried I think and then M&M took the phone and literally yelled at mom that's she's a terrible mother, that she's never given her daughters anything (I don't feel up to it personally, so he should shut the F up), that she'll never speak to K again, he'll make sure of it and that she'll never see their kids. In the end mom was adamant on helping with something, to prove them wrong.
So the reception was to be somewhere near the summer house and they drove there, M&M, K, mom and grandma. And they were supposed to help with choosing the food. Or something. It's not mportant. What is important is, M&M started talking about his plans to remove some rosebush of mom's because it was near the car gate and he couldn't open the gate to the fullest and drive in on the property of the summer house. Mom told him he's not going to be changing anything, because it's her bush and she doesn't agree for it to be removed. - I'm mentioning this, because K still things the whole argument in the car was about the rosebush. But it was about the following.
M&M said this to mom: "since you didn't give anything to K ever, you could give her your part of the summer house as your wedding gift to us". So mom snapped. She was yelling, crying, and what not, because she felt humiliated, downgraded and treated unfairly. He called her some name, I don't know if it was "bitch", "whore" or whatever, mom can't remember, but he opened his car and told her to get the fuck out of it. And again, that she's embarassing them in the place where they are going to have their reception, that she doesn't deserve anything, she won't be invited to the wedding, and that she'll never see their kids. (Yay for repeating yourself, right?)
Actually I'm not sure if I messed up some chronology in here. I can't tell...
Anyway, at last they came to grandma's place to give her and mom the wedding invitations (mind you, it's after they've invited everyone else, which is an offence and not at all according to the tradition and custom, and they wanted everything according to tradition. Bullshit). And then M&M looks at me and he goes "we were really thinking hard on whether you deserve this invitation or not, but in the end we have decided to let you have it." Then he turns to Asherin and says, the tradition (!) demands that the invitation goes from a groom's hand to another man, and since he's coming with me, he should receive it. Which isn't according to the tradition at all, because Asherin wasn't officially invited, he was my +1, so the invitation should go to the person officially invited, so me. To be honest, I would be super happy if they haven't given me the stupid invitation. Maybe I should've said I didn't want it. I kind of regret it, but I didn't want to come off in the family as the bad sister who gets invited and is so offended she won't even show up. So once they gave it "to me", I kind of felt obliged to go to the wedding.
So okay, on last minute, K comes to mom for the sewing amendments on her dress. Like, SUPER late. And we all pretend everything's fine, because we got the invitations and easy peasy blah.
Another thing: the tradition is that the parents of the bride give their official blessing before the wedding and then after the wedding, in the place of reception, they welcome the newlyweds with bread and salt. That's the bride's parents' job. K decided she wanted our grandmother (and M&M's sister, E) to give them the blessing before the wedding. Mom was hurt and in the end she walked to K anyways and did give her blessing. But after the ceremony, when the whole welcoming thing was going to be done by mom and dad, suddenly E comes to our grandma and asks her to do the welcoming of the newlyweds with her. Granny said parents were supposed to do it, but E goes "it's the bride's wish", so granny agreed. My family is all telling my mom to go there and do what she was previously asked to do, according to plan, mom is adamant on not giving them the satisfaction of making a scene, because we were all prepared that they may come up with something to make mom snap in front of everyone and to forcefully make her leave (also, this was M&M's threat once, that if mom or me do something they don't like on their wedding, they're going to take us out by force. Like they thought we're going to ruin the whole thing, but we were all already mentally ready for her to finally marry him and we knew we couldn't do anything to stop her, so it was paranoid on their side). #conspiracy #paranoia I was also standing next to my dad and I tried to convince him (as was his brother, and uncle's lady) to get there and welcome them like he should and was supposed to according to the plan, but he was too proud, too, even though he was super hurt. He was also upset about not being let to give them his blessing. And all the reception he was looking sick, he was so hurt by all that. (BTW, our whole family was outraged at lack of the blessing from our parents and about the welcome thing, too.)
Reception. Mom had super fun, dancing, trying to prove everyone she was normal and wasn't some kind of monster as they were describing her to everyone (in her own family!; screw his family). I've tried to show the same, and almost didn't come off the dancefloor, but, oddly enough, I'm nowhere on the wedding photos. Only the one in front of the building where they were having the reception. Maybe a piece of my dress is on one photo on the dancefloor and that's it. Coincidence? I don't think so. Especially that they were "thinking so hard whether or not I deserve" their stupid invitation. #conspiracy #paranoia
BTW, M&M got pretty drunk and he was either all over the place or he was nowhere to be seen and K was sitting by the table all sad. But when mom or I were asking her what's going on and where is he and why is she sad, she was like "I'm not sad, what are you talking about?" I'm not going to mention too much about her bachelorette party when she got SO wasted she couldn't see straight and she didn't even make it to the bar where we had a table booked. I mean, I was the second drunk one, but her throwing up got me sober in an instant and I was worried sick about her. Yes, still. I was thinking maybe she got wasted because she didn't really want to marry him... But maybe that was just wishful thinking of me and mom and she was just stupid enough to drink while she was on meds -.- But that's really not that important. Back to the wedding.
Or rather, back to the most terrible thing they've done. As her wedding gift to K and M&M, grandma gave them her wedding rings, the ones she's had from getting married to grandpa. They've stayed together for 40 years or so. I was a little hurt, because I didn't feel they deserved the wedding rings at all with all their sick behaviors, but heck, it's granny's decision. They accepted the wedding rings and all. So at the reception, granny's all like "yay, show me your hands, I wanna see the wedding rings on your hands... wait. Are they the same? They don't look the same, what happened?" So here's the fun part. They sold the golden wedding rings after granny and grandpa (they worked for them themselves, their parents didn't give them much either), for recasting. And for the money they got, they bought new ones. Without anyone's knowledge. I mean, yes, she gave the rings to them, but as a memento. They had emotional value to her and they didn't even care to say "oh, thanks granny, do you mind if we recast them and make our own?" they also could've said "they are a little simpler than we dreamed to have, so we would like to either recast them and make something new out of them or sell them" or anything. Even asking for permission to have an engraving wouldn't be as bad! Mementos are things that aren't meant to be changed, and if they are, it's only after the previous owner's consent! Granny cried her eyes out, saying if she had known they'd do it, she wouldn't have given the rings to them at all. All the family was outraged at that, too.
When we confronted K after the wedding about the welcome thing, she said she was as surprised as we all were, because mom and dad were supposed to do it, but they didn't come to do it. She blamed it on our parents. But she could've asked E why and what the hell she was doing, right? It was her wedding, she could've acted and asked parents to do their job, but she didn't. Maybe it was a huge misunderstanding, maybe she's just playing dumb. It's hard to tell.

After they finally got married, they were moving out of the summer house. They've been contacting us through my e-mail, and in the end they sent us their calculations of how much money they "invested" in the summer house and that they want refund of the full amount (can't really remember the exact amount, but it was a stupid amount, that's what I remember, I don't really want to go through the e-mails and get more caught up than I already am). Including their gas costs. 1) whatever they did (not to mention they ruined some things) and paid for it, grandma always paid them back. Already. 2) They moved there not because grandma needed some house keepers. They moved in there because they were in need of a place to live in. 3) When you live in a place far away from your workplace, it's normal you need to drive to and fro. You're not expecting people to pay you back. You live there, it was your choice, it's only natural you pay for your gas. Not to mention, whenever you drove grandma there, she paid for the gas. And gave you tons of food, never asking for money from you. And she was thanking her ass of for whatever tiny thing M&M "fixed" (short-lived, if any) or helped with. 4) She was paying the freaking bills, they were only paying for the things only they were using. And as far as I remember, they shared the water bill with granny anyways. I'm sorry you chose to live far away where you had to drive every day to and fro. Gas is still cheaper than gasoline. I'm sorry you were using the toilet and took baths and you had to pay for emptying the cesspit. And I'm sorry you had to buy some wood to get yourselves warm. But god damn it, it's the cost of living in an unfinished house. And they broke and ruined many things there, including garden, trees, the door, the furniture after grandma's parents. Whatever job they did, it was 1) illegally done, 2) botched. So don't come bragging about how much you've done, in the end you've done more damage than you did good. And still, they demanded crazy amounts of refunds, never showing any bills for proof. Grandma gave them some money, saying it's all she can give and she's giving it as good will to make everything better.


Making up & Divorce

I've tried to make up with K, writing countless e-mails with her. Trying to explain our point of view, my point of view, trying to understand hers and trying to come to some common ground. But she never listened to any of my arguments. Sometimes she wouldn't even refer to them, just stating her thing and avoiding answering my questions, which I asked in order to understand her point of view. Like I was talking to a tree. We couldn't understand each other. We've tried several times and every freaking time she plays "I'm the victim here" card. That mom wasn't a good mother and didn't do shit for her (oh, yeah? working her ass off just to provide you with clothes, food, roof over your head and toys you wanted so much? transferring you from the abusive class in elementary school because you've suffered mobbing from the class and teachers? sending you to therapy even when you didn't want to, and it helped you, you've said? actually apologizing for being a bad mother? you can't remember, right?). That grandma was raising her and is like a real mother to her (and that's how you treat a person who is like a mother to you? demand money? destroy dear mementos of hers which she gave you out of good heart and because she loved you?). That she's never heard any apology from anyone, and she's not going to apologize for anything either. 1) this makes you as bad as them, 2) the most important person, mom, apologized to you. I was there and you don't even remember it, like you don't remember many of very important events from our lives, 3) you're being ungrateful, 4) get over your childhood already! you're an adult now, if one therapy didn't help you, go to another, you need it.
She never went, because she didn't listen to me. Even with all those events passed, I still cared about her and her well-being. I never said she's crazy or something, I literally said "please go to therapy, because you need it and it's apparent" and not "you crazy bitch, you belong in an asylum".

After a few years of trying via e-mails and avoiding each other on holidays (HUGE stress for me and Asherin, everybody pushing me to be the good sister and make up with K, but I don't want to, not until she understands how ungrateful and unfair she has been towards mom and grandma, fuck me, I'm fine), she's written an e-mail to me, that she's devastated, in deep depression and that she thinks they'll end up divorced. The tiny person in me is dancing happy dance, but I remain stoic and supportive in my e-mails. It's her marriage falling apart and she's suffering, and I don't want her to, so I ask if they tried marriage therapy (also, she didn't want to tell me the reason she was thinking about a divorce). Apparently he's not willing to. Then next e-mail, he agreed to go to therapy with her. Great, okay, I'm being supportive again. It's weird, but okay, I know he's going to give up anyways, that's what he's like with psychologists, I share this thought with her, so she would be ready for his reaction of that kind. After three sessions he says it doesn't work and he quits. Again, internal happy dance. She'll be finally free. She'll stop being under his influence. She'll finally start being honest with me and she'll tell me what was going on with her clinging to him for so long. She has to move out and quickly, because they can't stand each other. She's finally told me, that he had pushed her in anger (a prelude to beating her, she deemed, <- I told you so) and has been calling her names and she's finally noticed his overwhelming critique of "you're totally useless" and treating her like a child that can't do anything herself, and if she does, she does it wrong. Even though she doesn't feel useless, she want to do things on her own and she feels he suffocates her.
Asherin and I are kind of tired of living with grandma, I'm moody because of the TV noise, Ash is moody 'cause I am, the atmospehere is tense. So we gladly move out to his step-dad and make the room available to K. Ash tells me he doesn't believe the divorce. I'm still hoping, even though the case is fishy, she wants to remain friends with M&M. I tell her it's just leaving him the tiny door to keep destroying her. That he'll be nice at first, then he'll start his mind games as always. She doesn't listen to me, she knows him better. It'll destroy him if she leaves him for good. I say "screw him, you're more important, can't you see what he's done to you? you're a wreck of a person, you're in worse mental shape than when you entered the relationship with him, he's destroyed you, I told you so, we all have, you didn't listen". I also repeat myself, asking her to go to a psychologist. She says she will.
Meantime I talk to grandma. "K has so much stuff! She needs so much space, and she's alone! I can't believe I gave you and Asherin so little space, and there were two of you!" When we lived there with grandma, we only asked for one more shelf than she was giving us. We never dared to ask for more, because we were guests there. We had our other stuff in the basement, because come on, we're not in our own apartment, we can't take more space. We only had clothes and our laptops there in "our" room. K barged in with all her books, mangas, stuffed animals... Grandma had to move all her crystals out of the glass-case, in favor to K's books, and move all the tiny decoration boxes and stuff from the top of the galss-case, in favor to K's mangas and stuffed animals and other useless trinkets. K has also moved about things in the kitchen, placing some stuff grandma was using on the top shelves (grandma's very short, she couldn't reach the things she needed, forced to ask K for help, and K was rarely home). Same with bathroom. Also, she moved in with both her cats, and grandma always says she doesn't want any animals in her place. Not that I agree, and I've had hamsters and a rat in her apartment, but these are small pets. And two cats, including a very young and hyperactive one... there goes K's respect for wishes of elderly people, for the owner of the apartment she was let to live in, because of her hard marriage situation, for the person she supposedly treats like a mother. And there goes granny's plants... multiple... that cat is a royal dick, I'm telling you. He would push the plant off while looking you straight in the eyes. I'm not exaggerating, that's what he did. And it's not like K moved in for forever. It was like us, until she could stand on her own feet.
Another phone call from granny. K is very rude with her. She screams at her, turns down the TV volume so that granny can't hear a thing. And granny is partially deaf. Granny goes on "I could understand that when you turned the volume down, but you only did it late at night, because you both had to get up early, work and stuff. But K does it in the middle of the day, I'm watching news or my soap opera or a movie and she comes in, takes the TV remote and turns the volume down without permission. And she tells me her head hurts, or she needs quiet, because she's writing her book. I don't feel at home in here anymore, and it's my apartment!". Ash and I used to live literally on earphones/headphones. And on closed doors, ours and granny's, because yes, it was loud and we're both people who love silence, or at least some good music. But we didn't dare to turn the volume down unless it was late at night and we were just tired and we had to get up early, he had work, I had my uni. Besides that, a week or two after K moved in, they had their first argument. Two or so weeks, if not sooner, I can't remember. Ash and I have lived with grandma for a few years, and only in the last year I've been so moody I was unbearable. But still, I didn't yell at grandma, I didn't bark orders at her or wasn't rude to her (besides pms parts sometimes, but not always; I'm still working on controlling myself). I didn't have the nerve to be like that, because she was merciful enough to let us live there, practically for free, with a lot of freedom, and she didn't demand we get married immediately (she still said she'd prefer it that way, but she had no other choice, Ash was homeless, quite literally and without a job so no option for renting something). We just had some respect and we were still grateful that she was kind enough to give us the opportunity. But K? She was beyond any standards. And when she was talking to me, she was complaining her ass off about grandma. I mean I was complaining, too, but not so soon, not as much and not nearly as intense as "I think maybe I should start adding something to her food" and "I can't wait until she's dead finally". Exaggeration much? I've been angry with granny many times, but I rarely came up with the "when will you die?" thought. And even more rarely I've shared such a thought so openly with someone. Because it's not a normal thing to think and it was always out of spite. K was repeating it almost every time I've talked to her since she's moved in to grandma's. And because I was trying to restore our relationship, I visited a lot, many times on her request (now feels like a demand though).
Another thing was, she was in no hurry to start the divorce process. I've asked her. Grandma asked her. Mom asked her. Mom's boyfriend even lent her a book on divorce. She leafed through it, put it away, then granny found it hid in a drawer, with granny's books, not K's. So we all began to smell fish, if you know what I mean. We've been also asking K when she'll finally go to the psychologist, because she's in real bad mental shape. Having panick attacks over thinking about going out to the store isn't normal. But she didn't, despite that she promised me and mom she will go and start a personal therapy. On top of that, she's met with M&M and they decided to stay separated for a while, under condition he'll go to the marriage therapy with her. She also didn't ask grandma if she can do that, and grandma had this point of view, that if they are going to get back together, they should move in together. But grandma wasn't even asked for opinion. Okay, so they weren't getting a divorce. And she was being an ungrateful bitch.
One time she sent me a text, that she's totally devastated and she needs to talk and can I come over. I knew she's going to repeat herself again and I wasn't really in the mood for listening to her, so I texted back that I'll come over a little later. So I came and I was right. The same thing all over again. Complaining her shit about grandma, crying how she misses M&M and she doesn't think she'll ever find someone else and if anyone would want her (a typical way of thinking when your relationship is falling apart) and she wants him back because she loves him. So I'm playing the therapist. "You have to understand it's grandma's apartment, not yours, and you're being an ass. I, more than anyone, understand she pisses you off, but even I wasn't acting like you are." No reaction, like I didn't say anything at all. Next thing, I'm trying to focus on the relationship thing. I ask questions "are you sure it's love and not just wont? maybe you just don't want to be alone and it's not like you necessarily want him exactly? are you sure he loves you? look how he's been treating you, and the therapist confirmed it." I try to keep my voice down, not accusative and everything. She shrugs me off or gives me no response and instead rants on. Like I'm not even there. There's no dialogue, it's her monologue, all the e-mails come back to me, I'm getting irritated. I'm dropping the relationship thing. I say I can't help her and I think she should go talk to a professionalist, a psychologist, someone who will not be as emotionally involved as I am.
I can't remember exactly how it happened, but we were suddenly talking about all the summer house, I was suddenly telling her why I was so angry with her. That she's let M&M do and say so many things and she never denied him, never helped her family and she's never apologized for any of this and everyone's acting like it's all okay. And she tells me, it was because she agreed with him and she's not going to apologize, ever. And then all my hope dies. I suddenly see she's not the victim of his mind games. She's playing them herself. It's not about how he manipulated her, as I thought for so long. It's about how she in fact thought, what opinions she had (like "respect is something you have to earn, no matter your age", and the way to earn it? giving them money I guess and doing things their way), it's about her manipulating together, alongside with him. It's about her greed, wanting to have the summer house, just like that, because it's there, it's easy to get if you manipulate granny properly. Even though we could all make it work like normal, healthy people. If she would be a normal daughter, nicely asking if they can start a family there, and grandma and mom would surely agree and I'd have no objections, because I don't really want the summer house right now. But why did she want it to be hers so early, if she would probably get it anyways, just years later? Why the rush and stress and pressure? It's gonna be mine and hers someday, THEN we can try to share it somehow. Not 20 years earlier, I do not give my consent to such conspiracies. Or maybe they just want to have it and just sell it? They obviously can't even afford it on their own.
Mom came, K and I are having a heated argument. K says I'm not a good sister, that she's disappointed in me, she was expecting support, that I was more supportive of her in e-mails. So I shot back, that she's not a very good sister either, in fact, I stopped thinking of her as of sister a long time ago, and that's because I was so disappointed in her for doing, saying and letting him do and say so many terrible things to her close family. And I was more supportive in my e-mails because I had the time to fume out, I could afford the time to not be so emotional. But face to face I can't even listen to her anymore, it's like listening to profanities. I just can't stand her opinions and point of view, I do not agree with her on anything and I can't accept the person she's become. Mom tells me to shut the fuck up and to leave the room. And it hurts me even more, because all I'm trying to do is to demand some apology for her. Because she deserves the apology. And so does grandma.


Since then and now

Since that day, somewhere in 2016, I finally definitely cut off all contact with K. I'm saying definitely, because I've said "definitely" many times in the past, but I didn't pay attention to the hope I still had. I didn't want to believe Asherin when he told me "you'll try making up wth her not once, nor twice, you'll see". And sadly, he was right, every time, each time I said "I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I cut her off", somehow I still managed to get back to her and try and save our relationship. But this time I'm really done. No e-mails, no phones, no anything. She sent me one b-day text ("Hapy birthday." to quote exactly), so to pay it back, I sent her the same on hers. We didn't exchange "Happy New Year's". We unfortunately met on Christmas at granny's, no one told us she'll be there, but we were also meeting mom's BF for the first time so we didn't want to make a huge fuss. We didn't speak one word to her and she didn't speak to us. We managed.
Meanwhile M&M moved out to London, got a job as a bus driver somewhere in the suburbs I think. Doesn't matter. He avoided the therapy again, which was K's condition, we've heard. She still didn't take hers as I've heard from mom. Besides mom was already pretty sick from K's complaining about grandma. She told me "you were complaining a lot, too, but I don't think it was as much as she does. I can't listen to her and I told her that." As soon as M&M flew out of the country, K moved back into their rented place, with the young and healthy cat, leaving her very first, old and sick cat with grandma. He's blind by now, because they neglected him and M&M didn't want to spend money on the vet, because the cat was a lost cause for him. He was also having some kidney issues, like old cats do and with his pelvis. So he's taking tons of meds. At first K was doing it, visiting often to take care of him, but she taught grandma how to do it and now she rarely visits.
This Easter we unexpectedly met with K at grandma's (we scheduled to meet there with granny and mom to talk about our moving in with one of them, because we'll need a place since June/July and we're trying to save up for a loan to get something on our own). There was an ugly situation of Ash and I backing out, because I felt distressed, unsafe and betrayed and all sorts of faint again (the meeting was on Easter Monday, I was still feeling faint from passing out on Saturday) and we both knew we won't be able to emotionally manage sitting with K all evening. I know just not coming back was bad, rude and all types of evil of us. But I just can't help it, I'm unable to stay in the same room with K. And I didn't want to sit there waiting for mom's arrival for 2 or so hours and then talk about our living situation in front of K. I don't know why, just no. It's irrational just as her not telling us where they were renting a place after they moved out of the summer house, like they were scared we're going to send an assasin there or something. I don't want her to be aware of what's going on with me. The only info I get about K is what mom and grandma tell me voluntarily. I don't ask questions.
Anyway, the next day I have had a 40-minutes long talk with mom over phone. She tells me she can't stand the situation either and that she hates it and she has her emotional boundaries, too. Also grandma said it was her last holidays preparing anything, because she's too tired and then nobody eats it and everything. I feel kinda bad, but kinda relieved. We won't have to come to the stupid fake family gatherings where we pretend everything's fine, because K's back here, smiling and stuff, while all I think about before holidays are way to avoid meeting K at all costs. The interesting thing is, mom told me about the following situation (told by grandma, K didn't go into details with mom):
After talking to me through phone on Monday, grandma asked K why we can't make up and sit at one table on holidays. K goes "I don't know what her problem is..." Duh, like I didn't tell you a bunch of times, you even have it on writing in the e-mails! *clears throat* Excuse me. "... but I'll tell you what my problem is." And she goes with her accusations that grandma kicked them out of the summer house, that she didn't appreciate all the hard work they've put into the house, that money, stuff and everything. Of course it all made grandma cry.
And mom asked me through phone on Tuesday: "aren't you nursing that hate of yours a little too much?" And I don't know. Maybe I do.
So I'm asking mom, myself, you: Why should I not nurse that hate, if K hasn't changed at all? She's nursing her own hate and demands still. Why can she do that and I'm expected to let go, forgive her just like that and accept her again? I'm no Jesus Christ, besides, I've ran out of cheeks to be slapped. She demands money and assets and properties. I demand apologies, justice and gratitude. Not for me, for grandma and mom.


Why I hate my sister

So, in the end, I can't even blame M&M, because at first I have, for manipulating her. But after they were supposed to divorce and they didn't, having all the talks with her, trying to advice her, being supportive as much as I could emotionally give and she was still a bitch about everything, angry at the whole world "being against her", thinking of herself as victim of them all. He only brought out what was already in her, that's what I'm thinking now. She's always been possessive, mom had told me, and I just think all that anger from being laughed at in school and mistreated at home, it stayed with her and it grew through years, manifesting like that. And I can't accept that. I understand she's had it rough, but it's like she's remained an offended child, putting her foot down, instead of growing up, seeing she needs professional help and going to therapy.
The worst thing is, that's not how I remembered her. Sure, she was a little neurotic and posessive about some things (not letting me touch her stuff; I once dragged my fingernail on the cover of one of her books, she yelled like crazy, because it left a line on the cover), but we've had many more bonding and nice moments. Only after some deeper thinking, I've remembered how I played board games alone because she never wanted and parents were always busy with their things. Her yelling at me for things like that book cover and sometimes for smaller things. Her telling me I can't like color blue the most, because it was HER favorite. The same with cartoon characters. All my life I've looked up to her, wanted to be like her, I think maybe I've idealized her, like every little sister does at some point. So to a certain moment, I was sure she's just changed to worse because of M&M. Now that I think of it, maybe I just noticed everything good and tried to forget all the bad things. The opposite of what she does. Maybe I just didn't want to notice she's always been like that, but, you know, it's my sister, my sister is the best, there's no one better. So when she was finally set free, allowing herself to do what she pleased, and I grew up, developing my own morals without her, without talking to her as much as we used to... It's not the K I knew, it's not my sister anymore.
How vicious and cruel you have to be to make your family suffer emotionally like that, just because she feels she's entitled to something, just because she demands something. I just think she's somehow evil, as silly as it sounds, she's evil to me. Not that I think I'm an angel or something. Of course I have my flaws and I can be a royal bitch, too. But I'd never conspire with Ash what we can do to get the apartment or the summer house earlier than we would normally. Because they'd get the house, I'm sure. And I'd be happy to take the apartment with Ash. But that's only if they'd played it cool. Only if they weren't so impatient. And only after some people died, or gave it to us voluntarily through the act of donation for example, because one can do that, too and that's what they were asking for and demanding. Demanding. That's not how it's done. That's not how a good person acts, in my opinion. I think they just wanted to sell it and buy something better. I don't know.
Deceiving the family, destroying relationships, mementos and generally being mean, vicious, hurtful, spiteful, deceiving and acting like she's entitled to do all that, because kids laughed at her at school and mom yelled at her and hit her and dad was drunk plenty of times and she can't live it all down, having gone through a therapy already. How did that even happen that she's still so messed up? I haven't gone through any professional therapy. I worked things out on my own. That our parents couldn't do things differently, because they didn't know how. Because it's a chain of generations being messed up. That you have to forgive some things, especially when you see people actually feeling up to their mistakes from the past, like our parents do. That some things, like kids laughing at you, just aren't worth remembering and moping about. You're tougher than that now, you've survived and they made you so much smarter with their own stupidity and meanness. Right? Haven't you learned? (those are also questions I've asked her in our last "conversation", and when she told me she can't live it all down, I told her "then go to therapy. it's not normal to feel about it all like you do after so much time. It's not healthy for you and people around you. Aren't you tired of always feeling like the poor teddy bear, being victim of everyone in the world? therapy would help you get over it all and get up from your knees, become stronger, take out some lessons from your life's experiences." She never responded to that. So maybe she likes to play the victim.)

Am I crazy for thinking she's evil? That she's wrong? Am I wrong for being disapppointed that she proved to be such a spiteful and venomous person? All she says are demands and accusations, groundless in many cases. She thinks only about her own benefits and doesn't mind anyone's feelings or rights or opinions. She doesn't even pay attention to good advice people give her, be it from me, mom or her only smart friend.
I'm confused and I don't know what to do with myself besides finally cave in and go to a psychologist myself, because I can't handle this situation emotionally. I'm nervous about every holidays, be it Christmas, Easter or somebody's birthday. I fear she'll be invited. I fear I'll have to see and hear her. Am I exaggerating? Am I unfair? I know and acknowledge and understand she's scarred by some people and events, but everyone's showing her the right way out, and she just rejects it all.
Is there something wrong with her or with me? Which one is crazy? I fear I'm unfair towards her, but I just can't get myself to forgive her. And I feel slightly guilty.

So, update in November 2017: First of all, huge thank you for everyone who's taken the time out of their precious lives to read through this and thank you for all the support and kind words and advice. It really means a world to me.

For the real news, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now. K isn't the main topic, but she gets a fair time there as well. There were 2 incidents with K, one even my therapist was proud of me for standing my ground and caring for my own needs and needs of my boyfriend (we didn't come to granny's name's day. We did wish her a happy one and gave her our gift tho). With second one, I basically let my nerves go rogue and unleashed my anger and just well, called her an idiot (instead of just saying I have the right to close my door if I want some more peace and less noise in my room, and the window was opened so it shut instead of closing). I never said I was perfect.

What I re-discovered with my therapist is just that I'm super disappointed in K as a sister, a family member, someone I used to be very close with and that it's okay to avoid her if I feel that way about and around her. I do have to learn to control myself more, but he said it's exceptionally hard to deal with such stuff when it comes to family, because it's extra hard than with friends and the likes. So I'm really glad she's now in London, pretty far away from here and I just hope they will scruge the money so they won't come here too often.
We also established that it's safe to assume, with my family's attitude and behavior on the matter, that they will never support me, they will never understand my point of view, unless maybe after many, many years, and it seems to him that they are "sacrificing" me for the sake of having K back, because with me not accepting her, I don't fit in with them anyways. I'm trying to deal with it. It's not a big surprise, because Ash has known this for a long time and I kind of knew it too, but hearing this from a person from outside, it's an impact. So I think I grew enough as a person to stop caring about them being hurt by K, because it's their choice to risk it and to give up tehir honor and dignity. Right now I'm focusing on just taking care of myself. I just wish grandma would stop "casually" mentioning stuff about K's life, but all I can do is ignore it.

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 3rd, '17, 21:09    


mysticalmoon

Joined: Apr 23rd, '17, 01:25
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I think calling either one of you crazy might be going too far, but I do think it's fair of you to be disappointed in K. She seems very selfish and, like you said, manipulative. My dad is a less extreme version of her, in some ways, and I don't know whether to hate or love him.

I think some kind of therapy would help you, since fearing family gatherings isn't normal. You don't need to forgive her, but coming to terms with the fact that, yes, she's a terrible person and there's little to be done about it might help you rest. Besides, the emotional stress will take its toll on you, and that won't be good.

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 3rd, '17, 21:36    


memoriam

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Wow, you read all that, I'm impressed (and thank you) :qd:
Truth be told, even my grandma is manipulative. Though I can't even tell if she's aware of that, she's so child-like in her antics. And my mom can be manipulative to some extent, sometimes. So I understand your ambivalent feelings about your dad, because I have the same towards my grandmother, and my mom at times. though she happens to do that very rarely.
I even catch myself manipulating or wanting to manipulate. So maybe it's not entirely K's fault. But I can't blame it all on our upbringing either. I know she hated that whole manipulation and dishonesty in our family, yet she still does the same. So I see no logic or reason in her actions.

After so much time it's easier to come to terms with the fact she's an awful person. But there's also pressure from parents and grandmas. And I can't exactly tell anyone to cut their contact with K if they don't want to. I just feel she treated everyone unfairly, and now I'm being treated unfairly by everyone for sticking with my opinion.
I know, I'm messed up already QnQ I'm having health issues, mainly with digestive system. I've seen a doctor about it and she said it's most probably because of the stress. I have to make one more examination to be completely sure that it's not a serious desease or something.
I also have to find a psychologist. I didn't start looking yet... :qoops: But I know I'll need professional help, there's also plenty of things wrong with me :qlol:

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 3rd, '17, 22:38    


mysticalmoon

Joined: Apr 23rd, '17, 01:25
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You typed all that, you deserve a reply. (And a hug if you want. M&M sounds a nightmare. The opposite of sweet.)

I think everyone has the capacity to be manipulative. Even I can be, though I try not to.
Maybe K's problem is she honestly feels the victim and she deserves the world. That's my dad, sort of. It gets very irrational sometimes.

That's why I thought therapy would help, kind of. If you and K could at least manage to be civil, wouldn't things be better? It's a lot to ask of you, since K did so many terrible things (seriously, the rings?), but might help with holidays and such.

Good luck!

I used to see a psychologist, and she helped a lot. Just having someone impartial listening does that, especially when they're trained to do so. Hope your search goes well!

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 3rd, '17, 22:56    


memoriam

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He was/is. I have no idea how K has been/is putting up with him all this time. :qsweat:

Unfortunately I'm afraid that is exactly the case. At least it seems so. She just doesn't see her fault and doesn't even think about apologizing for anything. It's more than irrational, it's "F logic". I have no idea how people end up thinking like that, but it's terrible. No respect to others and no modesty. I just don't get it. :qsob:

It's not like I'm going for her throat when I see her. But I get an instant headache and my jaw clenches and I'm all tense and I can't even look at her that much. It just physically aches me when I'm near her, I can't explain it. And I feel that if we just sit there and be civil (in my head that would be avoiding looking at her and not talking to her while trying to stay calm outside and make casual conversations with everyone else; even thinking and talking about her makes me all tense and stressed, starting with the clenched jaw, it even hurts but I can't control that so much), it would only make an impression that "we're getting better", as my grandmother puts it, that we're on our way to patch things up, because w're seemingly acting like nothing happened. But inside I'm still at war with her and no one seems to understand that, even K. I don't want to show her and everyone else that I'm going to just pretend like I don't have a problem with her. That's how previously I've been asked so many times by grandma, mom, dad to try and start talking to her again and again. So I have and it slapped me in the face. So if I sit there and pretend I can stand her, I'm giving everyone mixed signals, like I'm ready to make amends with her. I'm not ready, I don't think I ever will.

I hope to get to searching quickly, I tend to procrastinate :qoops: I also have an irrational fear that a doctor/psychologist would yell at me for something I did/didn't do/think or stuff like that. Fear of critique, I don't know.

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 3rd, '17, 23:41    


mysticalmoon

Joined: Apr 23rd, '17, 01:25
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She sounds passive enough too. Very strange. They share some characteristics, too.

Oh, in that case, maybe do cut off contact for a while. I'd hate to say forever, because that's final and sad and who knows if professional help will help any. But it's your decision. I wish your family wouldn't give you grief over it.

If a psychologist seems judgemental, fire 'em. :D

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 4th, '17, 10:25    


memoriam

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I know, it's weird! It's like she doesn't want help or improvement. And I didn't even notice all those things about her until she started seeing him. After a while I started calling her "M&M in a skirt" >n<

Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure for how long, maybe she'll open her eyes someday in 20 or so years. I just need some sign she actually understands that she isn't entitled to do mean things because she was bullied by all kinds of meanies in the past.
I wish so, too. But all I seem to hear is "why are you so mad at her?; she's your only sister, you won't get any other so you should make peace with her; your bff isn't your sister and never will be" and so on. I wish they would understand that friends are family we are able to choose when we're not pleased with our blood relatives. And that blood connection doesn't mean real connection, that many families work that way, they are separate and sometimes don't even speak to each other at all. It's healthier that way imo.
I really hope a psychologist would help me though QuQ

Will do, definitely :qlol:

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 16th, '17, 05:04    


JosieQ

Joined: Apr 8th, '10, 09:57
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I don't know how I ended up here, but here I am and wow, what a story.

Okay so this:
memoriam wrote:But all I seem to hear is "why are you so mad at her?; she's your only sister, you won't get any other so you should make peace with her; your bff isn't your sister and never will be" and so on.
This drives me. Fucking. Crazy. People say this crap all the time to encourage the continuation of abusive relationships. "Oh what's that your mom was high all the time when you were a kid, and missed all your birthdays, and hit you with a hammer? That's a bummer but you know, she IS your mom and you've only got one!" I mean what is that!

(Not a personal story by the way, my mom never hit me with a hammer.)

I have cut so many people out of my life it's just basically me and my boyfriend now, just us and our pets. It's lonely, yeah, but I have high standards for what it takes to be a worthy human being that I will spend time with. (Actually my only standards are that you like me, genuinely (not the case with a lot of my family who just pretend they do because it's expected of them), and that you're a human being. It's not hard, yet so many people fail don't they?)

I will happily burn bridges and completely destroy a family relationship, because blood means nothing to me. If someone's a completely toxic asshole to you and makes you feel bad all the time, giving you that black pit of anxiety you're talking about when you face the prospect of having to see them, yes absolutely get rid of them! I am a firm endorser of getting rid of that person, and insulting them on the way out.

I am also a believer of forgiveness, though, sure. There have been people I've cut out of my life, who've changed (or at least have seemed to), and I give them other chances. If someone comes to you and admits past mistakes and wants to try harder, and your heart says to let them do it, then go with your heart. (Of course if your heart says they've done this before and it's just manipulation, kick 'em in the shin.)

Your sister hasn't done any of this. She's not remorseful or changed, so don't listen to the idiots saying "Oh but she's your sister blah."

What's funny to me about forgiveness is that people tell you to give it to people as if you're handing someone the salt. Just give it to them, why don't you!

Forgiveness is a feeling; you either feel it or you don't. Why do we understand about love that you can't say to someone, "LOVE that person who treats you like crap!" because we know we can't just make ourselves feel love, but we don't understand the same about forgiveness? We know that love isn't a choice and it's a feeling, but we think forgiveness is a choice? It's not, not at all.

Saying you forgive someone when you don't because you've been told since birth that "forgiveness is a virtue" hurts them (because deep down you still hate them) and yourself (because deep down now you hate yourself). If you don't feel it, absolutely don't give it.

So yeah, my two cents is: Your sister is awful. That shit about your grandparents' rings pissed me off so much, and I don't even know any of you personally! HOW COULD SHE JUST SELL OFF THE FUCKING RINGS I AM SO ANGRY, WHAT KIND OF COMPLETELY SOULLESS JERK DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BUT I HATE HER FOR THAT!!!

...

If she ever evolves and wants to acknowledge past wrongdoings then yeah, you can give her a chance if you feel it's good for yourself. If not, definitely don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything with her.

A few further and unimportant notes:
Grandma had to move all her crystals out of the glass-case
You're probably talking about, like, crystal glasses for wine or something, but I had a weird gramma who liked stuff like tarot card readings and actual CRYSTAL crystals, like chunks of crystal, that you would use to meditate and heal and stuff... so it made me think of my gramma for a second and it was cute. XD
... that cat is a royal dick, I'm telling you. He would push the plant off while looking you straight in the eyes. I'm not exaggerating, that's what he did.
I'm gonna have to disagree with you on this one, I mean sorry about your gramma's plant, but that cat sounds hilarious! Admittedly I do have a soft spot in my heart for cats who are dicks. XD

Haha the very idea of him just brazenly knocking it off, while staring at you...

:mcsquee:

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 16th, '17, 14:58    


memoriam

Joined: Feb 14th, '11, 01:50
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First of all, thank you for taking your time to read it and then for responding to it. Your outraged essay made me think slightly better of myself and I feel a little less guilty for actually hating my sister :qcute:

I think exactly the same, if she'd be at least showing some shadow of remorse, I'd probably give her another chance. Like I've seen both my parents change through years and feel remorseful for things they might've done to both of us. so I noticed and realized that, and forgave them both. I just needed some time. But for now I can't bring myself to even think about forgiving K simply because "she's my blood".
Let's part our ways and both be happy, seperately.

At least you are happier, though sometimes lonely, right? It's better to have no friends/family than have shitty friends/family.
I just need to stick with this, and not listen to my family then. :qsweat:

I actually didn't realize forgiveness is a feeling until you actually spelled it out to me XD I feel enlightened :qlol:

---
My grandma actually owns some crystal vases and cups and stuff like that, made of actual crystals. That was a mental shortcut on my side though :qhehe:
BTW, your grandma sounds awesome xD

Lol, he may sound hilarious, like a cartoon, (I actually laughed when my mom was telling me about that situation, cause fortunately it happened to mom, not grandma), but imagine an old lady devastated about her plant, it's no fun :qhehe: And granny likes all her things tip-top, on spot.
On the other hand, that situation reminded me of when my own cat (now more of mom's cat though, nvm) was having some rebel days and she was pissing outside the litter box. And that one time I was so angry with her antics I just watched her every time she went inside the box. So she's peeing fine, then she turns her cat head at me, eyes narrowed and then her butt goes up so that the pee goes outside the litter box. And her cat face looks like "thug life, what'cha gonna do 'bout it, biatch? :mcsquee: " XD And I'm like "you're an ass, put it down :qstr: *pushes the cat ass down*" :qlol:
I was super angry at her, so cheeky, but I can't stop grinning when I recall it :qt:

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 Post subject: Re: I hate my sister
Posted: May 17th, '17, 03:43    


JosieQ

Joined: Apr 8th, '10, 09:57
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Haha, thug life. XD I have a total thug-life cat, who is actually currently hitting me as I type this because I'm eating macaroni and cheese and she thinks I'll forget to let her lick the cheese afterwards.

I WON'T FORGET STOP HITTING ME.

You're right though, that cat should've known when NOT to screw with people. I feel bad for your grandma because you described her as someone who just smiles even when things are bad, which makes me think of her as really fragile and in need of being protective. Which is another reason it was super-enraging about the rings. >.<

Luckily my boyfriend and I are like perfect best-friend soulmates, so he's completely enough for me. (I very occasionally see my mom and stepdad but we're not super-close.) The only time I get lonely is if he's not around of course, or occasionally when we go out to a movie and I have to go to the bathroom alone, because I'd like to chat with someone in the bathroom with me girly-style but he can't come in. :mcsquee:

Hehe, I'm glad that forgiveness-is-a-feeling thing enlightened you. XD Most people don't think about it that way, I think. I myself didn't have a way to put it into words until a few years ago, like, I knew subconsciously on some level it wasn't something you could be forced to give, but didn't know how to describe what I meant. Then I thought about it and it just seemed obvious it was a feeling and not a choice, so now it's easier to explain to people if they get in my business about anything.

It's good your parents have changed. It seems like you and your sister probably had a not-too-great childhood, I mean... it's hard for someone with the kind of personality problems your sister has to just invent herself WITHOUT a crappy childhood.

It's weird about parents though... it's like, both harder and easier to forgive them for things. On the one hand, they really should've done better because come on! You're parents, do better! And yet your soul cries out to love them even when they're shit, so a lot of the time you forgive them when you shouldn't.

Anyway, glad to hear you're in a good place with them at least. And maybe someday your sister will turn into someone who doesn't make you feel bad to be around. I believe people can change, it's just kinda rare. But hey maybe one day!

(Oh another thing that made me laugh (in a sympathetic way), that part where she said you can't like blue because it's HER favorite color! That is such a mean-older-sister thing, like once mine scuffed my new shoe with mud and ruined it on like the first day, and when I got upset she scuffed the other one and said "There it's even." I mean what's with them! As a younger sister I was always all, "IF I HAD A YOUNGER SISTER I'D BE NICE TO THEM ALL THE TIME!!" Pffaah sisters. DX)

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