As you've probably gleaned from the title, I'm on the autism spectrum and have depression and anxiety.

I did not know these things about myself until I tried college and had to drop out before the first semester was even finished.

I was doing fine at first, going to class, doing my homework, utilizing the free cafeteria food, going to work at the library.

And then I watched a movie with my roommate instead of making sure I had enough sleep to go to my morning class. I watched the movie partly because I didn't want to upset her but I can't blame my anxiety on that one because I actually wanted to watch it.

Anyway I missed my class. I think it was math, which is my worst subject, so I skipped an 'easy' class to try and catch up.

This very obviously snowballed out of control until I was hiding in my dorm room, not even leaving for free cafeteria food and just surviving on ramen because I didn't want to be seen and judged by everyone.

Well I had to leave college and wasted a scholarship and possibly my whole future. Then I went to therapy and found out the about the above conditions.

I'm 24 now and still live with my mom and I do absolutely nothing all day. It honestly upsets me that I'm like this, that I sit in a dirty house all day not doing a single thing.

Just... Doing Things is Difficult, ok?

The autistic part of me doesn't like touching Gross Things, which obviously includes trash and dirty dishes but also THE RUBBER GLOVES!! And I can make myself touch the bad things for a good 20 minutes of cleaning before I start overheating (I'm very out of shape) but that's only if I can get past the Executive Dysfunction!

For those that don't know, Executive Dysfunction is when you have trouble starting a task, even wants that you truly honestly want to do. You'll sit there for ages telling yourself to do something and you just... don't.

This is so bad for me that I have problems eating.

No, that's not right; I have no problem eating, I have a problem preparing food.

Like, I can follow a recipe just fine. But when I'm hungry enough that I'm physically in pain but a bowl of cereal sounds like too much effort, then thats a problem.

As I said though I live with my mom so I'm at least provided dinner every day. But I should be able to provide my own dinner!

And all of thats just house stuff. Remember the anxiety? Yeah I basically never leave the house anymore. I freaked out just trying to type up a resume a few weeks ago so I can't even imagine what I'll do if I have to go to an interview.

Actually yes I do, because I had to interview for scholarship stuff about my art. I kept panicking and looking back at my mom for help, but mom isn't going to be there for a job interview!

Just, I'm really frustrated about the way I'm living right now. I really thought I would have my own apartment by now.

I did manage to clean some this morning, but you wouldn't know it if you looked around the house. I cleaned off the desk a little and took some of the dirty laundry downstairs.

And then I got tired and slept the rest of the day.

My mom has a full time job (art teacher) and still manages to do more housework than me despite her ALSO having depression and possibly being on the autism spectrum.

I just wish I could do better. I WANT to do better. I know therapy would help, I was getting some for a while there, but we just don't have the money to keep that up. So of course I lost some of the progress I made in therapy.

It would also help if I had friends nearby to make me get outside or just have some human interaction with someone not related to me but the one friend I do have lives in a different town now and I can't drive and idk his driving situation rn but we haven't spoken in weeks so who knows whats happening there.

Idk, I'm just ranting. The whole situation is just really frustrating. Imagine having Shia Labeouf in your heading constantly yelling at you to "JUST DO IT" and then you just. Sit there. Not doing anything.

I think I've started going in circles here. Feel free to ignore me

i'm not autistic but i can definitely relate to a lot of this, especially with the depression and anxiety thing. it's really hard when you know you need help but help is difficult to obtain for monetary reasons.

is it possible to have someone you trust help you get through some of these tasks, like the resume for example? it might help to apply to a low-wage, easy job part time for a while to acclimate you to the change. i'm not sure though, these are just things that have helped me a bit.

i hope things work out for you, i deal with a lot of the same problems and it's pretty rough. i'm lucky enough to have financial support so i'll be able to get therapy soon, so i hope you'll be able to as well.

This topic might be a little too relateable for me, also being on the spectrum, having anxiety disorder and my dysthymia is basically chronic depression (it comes in irregular phases to me and right now I am in a depressive period). I consider myself lucky to have my own place (I am 26), but it is also in a bad condition with no motivation to fix it; all my efforts already go into getting up, get to my parttime job and spend at least once a week trying to apply for fulltime jobs of which I don't even know I can handle it.

Doing things IS difficult. I hate touching gross things too, but luckily for me I can deal with it if I know I can clean myself right after (when I put the trash out I wash my hands the second I get home for example); I don't have it nearly as bad as you, but I can relate.

The food thing is also something that has become relevant for me since the past, hmm, half year? My problem is that instead of cooking, since I cannot motivate myself, I end up ordering in. Can I afford to order in? No, but I do it anyway, because I must eat something, right?

In regards to leaving the house, you know what helps for me? I am a dedicated Pokémon GO player and the one thing I am motivated with is being a completionist. I want my Pokédex complete, I want those special shiny Pokémon (these are rare Pokémon in different colours if you are not familiar with the franchise), and the egg hatching keeps me motivated to actually walk outside. I never want to miss a single day of my 7 day streak of spinning Pokéstops and I actually have to go outside for them as well as wanting to spend my daily free raid pass since they do not stack up. That is how I get myself to go outside, but if you are in a too rural area, it won't help much. Just figured I would share this idea.

In regards to job search, you mentioned a resume, we apparently have local teams in all kinds of areas with people who happily help you for free with administration, helping you prepare for interviews etc... they're volunteers and interns, which is why their service is free. Maybe there is anything similar in your country? Or is your mother capable of helping, other friends, family? Together you could look at commonly asked questions during job interviews and brainstorm what to say together. I highlight that because this is where my struggle is at, I never know what to say, so I have someone who aids me in this. There are luckily also many online sources, it just helps to have someone brainstorm with you.

I was also told regarding managing things that doing 1 small thing each day, even if it is just brushing your teeth or making sure your desk is always clean, is already an enormous step into the right direction. That way you can build up and it does not need to be fast. I have to admit that for me this is hard too, so I can imagine you'd struggle with this as well. If you write down your achievements every day you can keep track of your progress, can be very satisfying in the long run. I do this with my meals to make sure I eat and take my vitamins, I always write down what I eat and when I eat, could work for tasks too. Then again, I have a notepad obsession, and gosh don't get me started on sticky notes. Love them.

I know this advice might not help, but please, do not compare yourselves to others. Your mother can manage all that, but she has also had the stress of raising children, so she's had a lot of practice on doing a lot of hard work (in regards to doing work and chores). Depression also affects people differently, she may not struggle with execution at all, whereas you do. Huge difference.

I am sorry to hear about the money issues regarding therapy by the way. I don't know how the health care in your country is, so I cannot give any advice regarding this. That's the detail that just simply sucks...

Same goes for human interaction; I can really feel that I need it. That is also where Pokémon GO has helped me, I made some friends by just bumping into other people with a phone in their face, and some real kind acquaintances too. You'd be surprised by how active the community still is. If you intend to play even just to get you out the door, I know that areas often have either a WhatsApp, Facebook and/or Discord group running. Without Pokémon I legit have no idea how to make new connections; it was easier when I was in college cause you were forced to sit with people around your own age, at some point you might end up talking to one another...

Your rant allowed me to rant a little as well, heh. Perhaps my thoughts can help in any way, perhaps my words are all useless. Either way, know that I find a lot of your details relateable and you are not alone in this struggle.

It sounds to me like you're having high expectations of yourself.
Don't try to be like someone without autism, you describe very well how autism affects you: this and that is hard, but I still should be able to do it, is what I hear from you.
I have one leg but I still should be able to run, because everyone with 2 legs can.
I think it's very unfair towards you. If you could "just do it", you would have a long time ago. Get to know yourself, and not only in what you cannot do, but also what you can do. Whats are the things you're good at?
By tirelessly trying to be someone without autism, you're burning yourself out, and that can lead to anxiety and depression.

My advice would really be: be kind to yourself. I would also have no motivation at all if you're struggling with daily stuff but expect yourself to study or get a job, that's such a mountain of work and effort that seems way too big to achieve in short term.

If preparing food is too hard and not your priority right now, try to find ways to avoid the problem instead of being confronted with it everyday. Breakfast biscuits for example need no bowl or preparation: you open the package and eat it. Takeaway is already in a container, buying already prepared meals etc.
And if you want to work on it, do it one meal at a time: master cereal first for example. Make it a song if you have affinity with sound, where you sing what you're doing it while preparing it, or just anything that makes it less unpleasant.
Use what you're good at to overcome difficulty. And yes, you will probably do certain things differently than other people, but that's okay.

Good luck with everything, you seem at a really low point in life right now. Sending you some love

I can relate to pretty much all of that o_o . Though my therapist says I could be on the spectrum but I don't know. We've talked about problems with executive function too, but since I never took a test for it I can't be sure. I'm on meds for depression so I'm doing good on that part. I moved out of my parents' place a couple of years ago, (after I was 30) and although I suck at keeping the place clean and doing things, it has helped me a lot feeling a little bit more independant. I don't drive and I do have an eating disorder (Avoidant/Restrictive Eating Disorder (ARFID)) so I'm still very dependant on my family.
I'm not gonna go over everything you said because it's a lot of things but, just, I can relate, believe me. I wonder when I will feel motivation to do things, because I have to force myself to do most of them.
It helped that I found a new hobby recently (crocheting and sewing), do you have any hobbies? Are you able to do a little of those?

I get it, Ive been in a depression spiral the last 3 weeks after a car accident (my fault, unfortunately) My bf has been in the hospital for three weeks since the accident because i almost killed him. Ive been hiding in my room and ive at least managed to do laundry and the dishes and keep myself clean but thats only because i live with his family, I constantly feel like they blame me even though they've said the opposite and assured me that they love me and things happen.