Autism+Depression+Anxiety=Yikes
Posted: Oct 19th, '19, 04:01
As you've probably gleaned from the title, I'm on the autism spectrum and have depression and anxiety.
I did not know these things about myself until I tried college and had to drop out before the first semester was even finished.
I was doing fine at first, going to class, doing my homework, utilizing the free cafeteria food, going to work at the library.
And then I watched a movie with my roommate instead of making sure I had enough sleep to go to my morning class. I watched the movie partly because I didn't want to upset her but I can't blame my anxiety on that one because I actually wanted to watch it.
Anyway I missed my class. I think it was math, which is my worst subject, so I skipped an 'easy' class to try and catch up.
This very obviously snowballed out of control until I was hiding in my dorm room, not even leaving for free cafeteria food and just surviving on ramen because I didn't want to be seen and judged by everyone.
Well I had to leave college and wasted a scholarship and possibly my whole future. Then I went to therapy and found out the about the above conditions.
I'm 24 now and still live with my mom and I do absolutely nothing all day. It honestly upsets me that I'm like this, that I sit in a dirty house all day not doing a single thing.
Just... Doing Things is Difficult, ok?
The autistic part of me doesn't like touching Gross Things, which obviously includes trash and dirty dishes but also THE RUBBER GLOVES!! And I can make myself touch the bad things for a good 20 minutes of cleaning before I start overheating (I'm very out of shape) but that's only if I can get past the Executive Dysfunction!
For those that don't know, Executive Dysfunction is when you have trouble starting a task, even wants that you truly honestly want to do. You'll sit there for ages telling yourself to do something and you just... don't.
This is so bad for me that I have problems eating.
No, that's not right; I have no problem eating, I have a problem preparing food.
Like, I can follow a recipe just fine. But when I'm hungry enough that I'm physically in pain but a bowl of cereal sounds like too much effort, then thats a problem.
As I said though I live with my mom so I'm at least provided dinner every day. But I should be able to provide my own dinner!
And all of thats just house stuff. Remember the anxiety? Yeah I basically never leave the house anymore. I freaked out just trying to type up a resume a few weeks ago so I can't even imagine what I'll do if I have to go to an interview.
Actually yes I do, because I had to interview for scholarship stuff about my art. I kept panicking and looking back at my mom for help, but mom isn't going to be there for a job interview!
Just, I'm really frustrated about the way I'm living right now. I really thought I would have my own apartment by now.
I did manage to clean some this morning, but you wouldn't know it if you looked around the house. I cleaned off the desk a little and took some of the dirty laundry downstairs.
And then I got tired and slept the rest of the day.
My mom has a full time job (art teacher) and still manages to do more housework than me despite her ALSO having depression and possibly being on the autism spectrum.
I just wish I could do better. I WANT to do better. I know therapy would help, I was getting some for a while there, but we just don't have the money to keep that up. So of course I lost some of the progress I made in therapy.
It would also help if I had friends nearby to make me get outside or just have some human interaction with someone not related to me but the one friend I do have lives in a different town now and I can't drive and idk his driving situation rn but we haven't spoken in weeks so who knows whats happening there.
Idk, I'm just ranting. The whole situation is just really frustrating. Imagine having Shia Labeouf in your heading constantly yelling at you to "JUST DO IT" and then you just. Sit there. Not doing anything.
I think I've started going in circles here. Feel free to ignore me
I did not know these things about myself until I tried college and had to drop out before the first semester was even finished.
I was doing fine at first, going to class, doing my homework, utilizing the free cafeteria food, going to work at the library.
And then I watched a movie with my roommate instead of making sure I had enough sleep to go to my morning class. I watched the movie partly because I didn't want to upset her but I can't blame my anxiety on that one because I actually wanted to watch it.
Anyway I missed my class. I think it was math, which is my worst subject, so I skipped an 'easy' class to try and catch up.
This very obviously snowballed out of control until I was hiding in my dorm room, not even leaving for free cafeteria food and just surviving on ramen because I didn't want to be seen and judged by everyone.
Well I had to leave college and wasted a scholarship and possibly my whole future. Then I went to therapy and found out the about the above conditions.
I'm 24 now and still live with my mom and I do absolutely nothing all day. It honestly upsets me that I'm like this, that I sit in a dirty house all day not doing a single thing.
Just... Doing Things is Difficult, ok?
The autistic part of me doesn't like touching Gross Things, which obviously includes trash and dirty dishes but also THE RUBBER GLOVES!! And I can make myself touch the bad things for a good 20 minutes of cleaning before I start overheating (I'm very out of shape) but that's only if I can get past the Executive Dysfunction!
For those that don't know, Executive Dysfunction is when you have trouble starting a task, even wants that you truly honestly want to do. You'll sit there for ages telling yourself to do something and you just... don't.
This is so bad for me that I have problems eating.
No, that's not right; I have no problem eating, I have a problem preparing food.
Like, I can follow a recipe just fine. But when I'm hungry enough that I'm physically in pain but a bowl of cereal sounds like too much effort, then thats a problem.
As I said though I live with my mom so I'm at least provided dinner every day. But I should be able to provide my own dinner!
And all of thats just house stuff. Remember the anxiety? Yeah I basically never leave the house anymore. I freaked out just trying to type up a resume a few weeks ago so I can't even imagine what I'll do if I have to go to an interview.
Actually yes I do, because I had to interview for scholarship stuff about my art. I kept panicking and looking back at my mom for help, but mom isn't going to be there for a job interview!
Just, I'm really frustrated about the way I'm living right now. I really thought I would have my own apartment by now.
I did manage to clean some this morning, but you wouldn't know it if you looked around the house. I cleaned off the desk a little and took some of the dirty laundry downstairs.
And then I got tired and slept the rest of the day.
My mom has a full time job (art teacher) and still manages to do more housework than me despite her ALSO having depression and possibly being on the autism spectrum.
I just wish I could do better. I WANT to do better. I know therapy would help, I was getting some for a while there, but we just don't have the money to keep that up. So of course I lost some of the progress I made in therapy.
It would also help if I had friends nearby to make me get outside or just have some human interaction with someone not related to me but the one friend I do have lives in a different town now and I can't drive and idk his driving situation rn but we haven't spoken in weeks so who knows whats happening there.
Idk, I'm just ranting. The whole situation is just really frustrating. Imagine having Shia Labeouf in your heading constantly yelling at you to "JUST DO IT" and then you just. Sit there. Not doing anything.
I think I've started going in circles here. Feel free to ignore me