I fear the future.
Not of what is to come of the world or my family...
Call me selfish but i care not enough to worry.
Myself is what i am fearful over..
All my life my parents have taken me out of schools...
took me out 3 times as a young child to home school me.
took me out a school two years ago again to "home school" me.
though they just used that as a cover and then went to yell..
yell at me, about how I dropped out. then recently...
they got jobs so they couldn't take me to school.. so again I am out.
I am supposed to be in my second year in high school but i have only
a half a year inn 8th grade, a year in 9th, and went back again
being still considered in 9th because of my credit level...
Though that only lasted two months because my dad got a job.
so i get put into independent study... Which failed. they just loaded
me full of books and work, and how am i supposed to smile at that?
How am i expected to just say Oh joy! and jump to working when
I'd rather be nocturnal and stay on the computer all the time?
That IS all i do now... go to bed at sometime around Now (8-10am)
and get up around 5, but that just keeps becoming later. Dropping
the independent study, i am going into insight school (online) in hopes
of being able to get some sort of education. What am i to do in the future
if i can't even get out of high school? I have BIG dreams and those dreams
take years in college. I won't make it... I will just be some house wife.
Miserable and cleaning instead of sowing and designing the fashion i love.
I'm doomed, and I knew it from the start.
I was a fool to even think of trying.



Edit-
Just now my boyfriend calls me just to fight with me.
I ask him if this is the case and he just says "No I called you to go get
you to lay down with me!" Even though i told him many times I don't
want to go to bed. He asked me if what i was doing on the computer
that entertaining so I say yes, I'm not going to lie. It's more fun then
going to bed just to listen to him snore while i lay there thinking about
how i could be getting something done on the computer. So after saying
"yes" he replys with a cocky "really now..." with this high and mighty
additude. Heard it before when we got in a fight about him ordering me
around, which is all he is doing now... In the fight he had said to go
to bed though i didn't want to, and I said to stop ordering me around
and said "I am NOT going to listen to you." then he gives me that
"really now..." line as if I'm some sort of ass kisser rebelling. It makes
me mad because i've dealt with enough people power tripping on me,
I don't need it from him. All I want is to simply sit where i am and work
on my god forsaken art shop that i am scared to open here! But no...
Have to have him call me up when i said i didn't want to talk
(because i knew he'd just try to bitch me to bed) but he still does
out of the blue. I mean... earlier he was saying this was the last
day I get to stay up so he gave me free rights to when ever i go
to bed. How dare he take that Back now! Sick of two faced half
truths and excuses later saying "WELL I didn't think you'd stay
up all night!" Because i know he will say that if I mention how
he said I could stay up.
Right before I had said I was sad even because of LIFE, why
must he barge in the second after to try and make it worse?!


Hmph... and he even went to say that "laying down isn't going to bed"
once i simply told him just to go to bed without me. 'Going to bed' is
apart of Laying down, I have to GO to my BED now DON'T I? Heh and he
goes to say he wants me to so we can talk. As if he can speak to me
while i am on the computer. The pervert only wants me to lay down for
one reason, i wouldn't doubt. It is either that, or him passing out. tried
Just simply talking to him a bout my memories last night and soon as i
try and start, he already is like "we need to go to bed" . . . What
happened to the sweet times of me being able to say "he listens to
me like no other, so different from my exs... "
This is all just apart of me fearing the future, because i'd
rather die now if heart break is what awaits me
once I am in your arms, Max.




"Now hopefully this is the end of this Post."