|
There's a boy I like and I see him almost everyday for a second but he doesn't talk with me. He always said that if I want something, I need to do something about it, to fight in order to achieve it. So I want to talk with him but then the other thing is that - if he would want to talk with me, he would come here. And I should just wait. But that's the complete opposite of what i want to do! But what if i make him angry or something like that? Now I'm all nervous and I don't know what to do. I don't know what does he want, or does he want anything. I'm going to talk with him but how...? What should I say...?
Then school. Biology. I knew everything, and I still didn't raised my hand that I want to respond, because I was nervous. I hate myself for that. The other teacher didn't correct some tests - mine is among those - and that doesn't make me happy. I hate waiting for the notes. (That actually sounds funny...)
Creativity. I feel like I have inspiration, I just need to take a pencil and draw or write or anything. To create something. But at the same time I don't feel like drawing. I'm wasting my time, my inspiration, my happiness and so on. That makes me sad.
I want my friends to be happy. They're not. And I don't know how to help.
I always do something. I have a feeling that time flies and I don't do anything. i don't want it to fly, why can't it just take a break for some time? It's scary how that days are passing by. Time is scary. And the future brings problems, and that's... that's even more scary.
I don't want to die. I think too much, I worry about too many things, I'm pessimistic and pretty much always see the negative side of everything. I imagine the worst things. How could I die, what would happen is I lost my hands, if somebody very dear to me died, if I lost my friends, if I couldn't do anything, if I lost my voice, if I remained alone for eternity, if I saw ghosts, if they tried to kill me, if I end up as a homeless, if I had to work, if I were born elsewhere, if I wouldn't sleep/eat/drink water for three days, if I were lost, if I met my biggest enemy, the love of my life, a person in need of something, etc.
I don't know who am I, what am I like, what do I want, how could I do that, why do I feel like this, what's this feeling exactly. What if my whole life is just an illusion.
I live in my dreams, if feels good almost always, but there are times when I feel like it's wrong, and I have to change it.
I want to change in a good direction. I don't want to change because what if it won't be so good.
How do other people see me? What do they feel for me? What am I for them?
One of my friends said yesterday: "You know, anybody has problems, even you and I just want you to know that when you have problems, you can call me and say what's wrong and I'll try to help..." The day before I was even more depressed than now (cried all afternoon) but I didn't ask for help. Why? Why am I like this?
When I find a good music, I cry. When I see a beautiful picture, I cry. When I see/read/experience something - anything that's bad/beautiful, I cry. I must bee too sensitive, or what.
I imagine how should I act when X situation happens in the front of a mirror or simply in my room. I'm late from school because of it, but for some reason I need to do it.
I need to smile in front of the mirror, to see that I'm more beautiful when I'm happy. It makes me more confident, but still...
I'm starting to feel that I'm not myself. I may look happy but I'm not. I just use a mask. I hate myself for this too but I don't want to look sad, I don't want to show my weak side. Two years ago I almost never smiled, I don't want to be like that again, I'm not going to bring back those times. I had no friends back then.
I feel happy at the same time! Because I have a family, friends, inspiration, a guardian angel, every good stuff.
And I'm angry at myself, at that boy and...
I want to talk with him but it's too hard and I would cry. That would be horrible.
I'm an idiot.
 (0)  (0) |
|
