memoriam wrote:Oh my gawd, Sunlight, you're so pessimistic about it all Seems to me like you already gave up and wait for the inevitable breakup, lol.

Sorry. I'm just a pessimistic person.

Well, of course you can't understand each other 100% But the trick is to not only notice your own effort, but the other party's efforts too. That's how you know they do anything to improve. Though it's impossible to tell how much of the effort they give.
My bf tends to think one time isn't improvement, especially if you fail to imporove the next time (it's so hard to change old habits)... it disencourages me a lot. He notices any difference after years, so I'm in a bad situation I guess

Well, maybe it's the pessimism talking but I don't think anyone can really change for someone else. I think you can only change for your own self. So I don't expect him to change at all. And that's another thing. I think it's cute now. Will I think it's cute 10 years later or will I just be so sick of all his idiosyncrasies? Will he think I'm cute 10 years later or will he have wised up to all my bullshit?

Well, of course they're not reality, but sometimes they translate into it Brain processes information, including fears and feelings, so dreams like "I was cheating on my gf with my gf" can really mean he's scared to hurt you, for example by cheating on you.
Edit: Like my bf used to have dreams about how he stopped loving me and left me or that he cheated on me. We talk about those kinds of dreams when he has them, always ends up in him admitting he's just afraid of hurting me one way or another.

I definitely don't think he's capable of cheating on me. I'm mostly afraid of him just going through the motions when he doesn't actually love me at all.

Hey, Lily. Don't worry about following our conversation. That really sucks that you're having such bad morning sickness. It's so weird how our bodies react so adversely to nutrients that the fetuses need.

@Lily: I thought it's probably the IVF, that still sucks tho ;/ Thank goodness for your husband

Ed with a b works, thank you And don't be sorry, I'm learning new words, it's super cool! I'm so bad with pronouncing, I sometimes can't tell how to say a word. Maybe it's partially because we were taught the British English and I only have contact with American English and my brain sometimes can't, it just doesn't even... y'know? lol, C1 in English, yeah, right, tis some kinda joke, I can't even speak my mind properly XD Of course my Polish can get into the way of pronouncing words *glares at her native tongue* (I have a weird habit of staring/glaring at non-existent things, I noticed XD)

That's great! That actually sounds better if it's just in your mind! :D I wish my stomach/esophagus issues were just in my head too My stomach is so hungry, but my head goes nooo, I feel so sick and nauseous, not gonna eat anything! and when I do my esophagus goes, you're not swallowing that, lol nope, trololololo. So I gag and choke. I hate my life that reminds me I should make an appointment with a doctor xD

Lool, somehow I find this hilarious XD

Yeah, it's October 20 xD and as I recall we both have hair color somewhere between brown and blond but neither XD I would lol if I weren't (wasn't? #badEnglish) at work This is so funny

@Sunlight: Don't be sorry, you have no idea how much I feel you I try super hard to not be pessimistic myself. Yesterday Ash told me we'll most probably have to move out from his step-dad's place in around June/July and Ash is thinking about going abroad to work... and I cried, even tho we both knew this was coming, but we don't have enough money for apartment, cause he ain't renting anything, he wants to buy. And I really cried, and he's like "lol, don't worry, it's over six months time". But I can't stop thinking that if he goes abroad, what will happen to me, maybe he'll meet some nice Swedish gril, they'll fall in love and he'll forget all about me? Or he'll be murdered by some extreme muslims (I have nothing against muslims, just don't be extreme, extreme is bad )? Also I'm not sure how long I'll be keeping my super-duper-cool, nicely-paid-for-doing-nothing job, so we may not even have any savings until June/July when we have to move out. I can only think of bad scenarios, and it's about everything. I only see the bad side. And here I'm all smiley and happy-go-lucky, but I just really try very hard not to bother anyone (hence no Life Issues thread, even tho I need like 2 or 3 by now ). So believe me, I feel you being pessimistic and don't be sorry about it

I see it like this: You can only change if you really want to. And your motivations are your individual thing. If your motivation is someone else, like your bf, great. If your only motivation is just you, yourself, well, that's okay too, I guess. And well, that's some serious questions you're asking yourself. Unfortunately no one can answer them but you. Will it bother you if he doesn't change? Will it bother you if he will? And will it bother him if you change or not? Relationships are about compromise, I think we're all aware of that. So even if something will bother you or him in 10 or more years, you'll either have to accept the changes or you won't. I feel it's more about deciding if you're willing to go through each and every hardship together, because you can't possibly know what's gonna happen. So you can only promise you'll try your best to make things work. Just think about if you really love him, and if you're thinking it would be better for him/both of you if you guys split, ask yourself if you're willing to let him go. And then ask him that too. I think like you sometimes about my relationship with Ash, that maybe he should find a younger girl who wouldn't push him to get married, starting family and so on, but I'm just too selfish to let him go. Plus I'm additionaly scared, because I know that if I let him go, let him see what it's like with someone else, he finds a girl and would regret it, he wouldn't ever go back to me, because he's that "honorable" and he wouldn't look me in the eyes again.
(Also: idiosyncrasy, another new word I have no idea how to pronounce! \(^u^)/ thank you anyways!)

Same here! But I think I fear more about my own feelings, that maybe I'm just a stupid bitch who wants kids and I just care about his sperm. It turns my brain to mush when I think about it, I can't tell what I'm feeling cause I'm overthinking things

Buying would definitely be better in the long run (or my father says) but always keep in mind whether it's a place someone would want to live in when it's time for you to sell again.

Being able to see the possibilities of things going wrong can be good for preparing for it, as long as you aren't paralyzed by the visions. Just think about what you'll do to get yourself to that place and do your best, I suppose. Maybe you could find some friends to be roommates and share the cost.

It's my belief that "other people" aren't really great motivators for changing yourself. You change yourself when the way you are is inconvenient for you. If it's inconvenient for someone else, that problem isn't in your face as much so you wouldn't be motivated or aware of it to change effectively, I think.

I think I'm prepared to let him go if he wants to leave me. I'll be sad and I'll probably cry for a few months and every so often for years to come but I hope I'm not the type of person to hold someone back who wants to leave. And honestly, I think it'll be better for him because I don't think dating me is very fair to him. But I'm not so selfless to dump him myself. And it makes me feel like a horrible person for it.

Anyway, you never know. Boyfriend came back to me after almost marrying another girl. Maybe if I do break up with him he'll come orbiting back to me again. lol

Idiosyncracy. I like Merriam Webster online dictionary because most words have a recording of its pronunciation and I believe it's recordings of real people speaking so you don't get weird pronunciations that computers make.

Hey, if all you cared about was sperm, you can always get some from someone else or even get some from sperm bank. You must be with him for more than his sperm that he's not even giving you!

I know it would be better, but is it worth it if we may split up after buying?

I always say that I'd rather prepare myself for a bad outcome and be nicely surprised if I wasn't right, than to be positive and than disappointed when things go bad. But here's feelings involved, and I'm scared. I hate changes, I'm kinda almost autistic if it comes to changes. Of course I'm exaggerating and using hyperbole, but changes really paralyze and confuse and irritate me.
And I'd love to live together with someone I know, like my bff, but she lives like at the end of the world, cause she works at a stable so it's near. I work almost in the dead center of the city... All I could do to make myself more comfortable would be to move back to my mom (prior to helping her clean the apartment, she's a big slobbie and a hoarder of junk and a workaholic so she's always too tired or she just has no time to do any cleaning ). I'm not going back to granny, I'll end up in an asylum if I do...

You have a point. Unless the motivator is a person you care about and you value their opinion. Then you may notice they are right, that maybe you have some habits that make you difficult or disfunctional in some ways (that's me, yay). If other people make you notice your imperfections, you may want to change them yourself. That's how I feel. Not every person will feel that way, some will feel pushed and even more they won't be willing to change if someone tells them their actions/habits are wrong and should be changed. I guess it's an individual thing.

I understand. But that's IF he wants to leave. And your stand may seem to him like you're not involved enough, like you don't really care, so he may actually leave you. Just give him your best.

Maybe your bf will, but mine? No chance, forget it, he'd rather stay alone to the rest of his life than come back to me and say he was wrong. At least that's how I see things, and I've been watching him for over 6 years...

That's a nice dictionary! Thanks for sharing

Yeah, but maybe I only want his sperm, since he's handsome, smart, intelligent, and has many more great qualities? But he's also got his imperfections, too, like being a stubborn goat It's so hard to tell what you want and why you're with a person if you've been together for 6 years... I think it may come from my impression that I'm not as good for him as he is for me, I just feel unworthy sometimes. And my brain is mean and does everything so I believed I'm with him only for his good genes, not simply for him. My brain is boiling right now, I want to say too many things at once

That's true. You might get half of the house but that's still not a very good situation if you split up.

Man, I hate changes, too. But I also get super bored and sick of routine. I just hate everything. lol

It does sound difficult. You do sound a bit stuck. Is there absolutely no other option for you other than your boyfriend if push comes to shove? It seems like you've cornered yourself.

Well, my point is, even if you do want to change yourself, it's hard to do if you don't notice it. And it's hard to notice it if it doesn't inconvenience you. Doing your best to change yourself for others is what a good person would do, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for others to change.

Well, maybe. But again, that may be for the best.

Hey, you may have watched him as your boyfriend, but you haven't watched him as an ex. With a different setting? You never know! <-devil's advocate

No problem. It's my go-to whenever my boyfriend and I have disagreements on pronunciation. I'm a non-native speaker of English myself so a lot of words I only know on paper; while my boyfriend has a particular accent from his upbringing.

lol go to a sperm bank and you can pick someone who's smart, handsome, intelligent, pick the education level and job type, and even genetic diseases and disorders. MUCH more efficient. So there must be something about this guy that you like.

I guess think of why you fell for him in the first place? Sometimes when we argue I wonder why I'm with him and I remember how, when I was suicidal and had made the decision to go through with it, he bused all the way from 2 hours away to be with me and make sure I don't hurt myself based on a few vague text messages. And yet, I'm still constantly making him tell me why he's still with me, exactly because I feel like I don't deserve someone who does something like that. That I'm forcing him to be with me because he thinks I'll do something if he breaks up with me. But I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it might be a good idea to think back on how you started to like him and ask him how he started liking you. I don't believe in love-at-first-sight; there's more to attraction than physical appearance. There must have been something that said to both of you, "This person isn't just good-looking; they're also an amazing person whom I need to get to know better."

Exactly. I think it would be wiser if we lived together for a while so we/or rather he could decide if we're staying together or not. Otherwise there's no point in buying the apartment only to live in it for a few months and then try to sell it cause I'm an unlovable monster.

Lol. I'm fine with routine, I like my routine. I get anxious if something's off, but I manage.

Well, I could always rent a room or condo myself and I woul dhave to start looking now probably so that sucks too. But I rather live with mom, so I could save some more, so that Ash isn't the only person saving money if he goes abroad/works as the only one cause I may lose my job in February and don't know how fast I will get a new one. And I really didn't do it on purpose, I mean cornering myself. I'm just antisocial and have no other friends than my bff, and I gave my room at granny's to my stupid sister who was supposed to get divorced but they're getting back together (just like I told everyone since the beginning), but not like living together. She just wants to stay at grandma's, have her hotel and animal care (grandma's always home and sis has a cat, hopefully the second one will stay with her husband, but I doubt it). So besides renting smething myself, my only alternative is my mom.

Maybe it's just me then. I don't like bothering people or being inconvenient to them. If I am, I feel uncomfortable myslef, so I try to change. All of my things to change are based on my fears and anxieties and shyness tho...

I see there's no convincing you (just like my bf )

I rather not risk losing him...

I'm the same with knowing words, that's what makes me better in writing than in speech. Plus it adds to the point that I'm shy.
So your bf is an English native speaker? Or did I misunderstand things?

Maybe it's the romance, I dunno XD Sperm bank is so impersonal, where's the magic, sparkles and butterflies? XD and I wouldn't want to be a single mom. I watched my mom struggle with us, I see the consequences. And I see the consequences of single parenting on my bff. I don't want it, I want a family, not just a child. And I think Ash would be a great dad. I mean once he feels ready...

Well, he did try for me hard and he was supportive of me and he was caring and selfless and he stood up for me and he didn't judge me. He just felt (still does) strong and charismatic, like he can take care of me. I try to do as much for him as he does for me, I try to be supportive and always be there for him when he needs it, cause he's hurt inside too. I like his rules, that he cares about honor and calculates things before acting. I just like everything in him (besides his stubbornness, but it has it's upsides, too, so it's more like, I don't like it sometimes). I don't think I have the vocabulary to describe what I like about him. He makes me feel safe and loved and not totally worthless.
I too sometimes think Ash is with me only because he doesn't want to be a dick and make me cry if he breaks up with me. And I don;t think I deserve him at all.

Aww, I would LOVE some snow right now... We had some snow in Christmas Eve morning, but it quickly turned to rain and it's been raining all holidays, just as every year...

I'm so jealous that you and your bf talk, Ash is weird and he doesn't know how to express himself, so he gets frustrated. That's why our last serious talk lasted a week, because once I saw him becoming frustrated or irked, I dropped the subject and we started again the next day... It's a little hurtful for me, because I told him years ago, that I want us to talk about important stuff, but I guess he was never taught to do it, so he's having a hard time with it.

I so totally agree with you.

I think it's cute XD

That would make sense, you fall into the routine so you want some changes, I feel that's pretty normal.

Lol, I love grapes, one of my all time favorite fruits XD But not grape juice, too sweet. But I agree with zucchini, it doesn't even have a taste, how can people eat it?

Well, I have a complicated situation in my family. Basically everyone's either ambiguous on the subject or on the side of "you're sisters, you should get along, you're a bad sister for not accepting her back, she's having a hard time, you should support her" and many more, but everyone seems to fail to see that I'm always right about her. But I'm the bad one.
For example, the holidays now. Grandma was complaining that my sis was being super mean to her and she didn't help her with not one single thing, but at the Christmas dinner she said "she improved her behavior lately, so it's better, it's okay". But nothing really changes aside form the fact she wasn;t taht mean lately. My theory is, it's only because she hoped her husband was gonna be invited to dinner once she let him into the apartment to say his "holiday wishes". In fact we all froze when she showed up with him, we're scared of him. And then she was all upset about the reaction not being the way she expected.
But yeah, I'm the bad guy here, because I want her to actually feel some guilt for the things she's done to us and to hear an apology at the very least. Of course mom and grandma say I'm right, but they do nothing to make her actually apologize, it really pisses me off and I feel unappreciated and overlooked.

I feel you so much

Ugh, I wish I had your tummy then, mine's a bitch
And actually we had to euthanize her 3 days before Christmas... It was super unexpected and I even couldn't stop myself from crying at work...
Oh, I remember, I read it on your DeviantArt profile. Glad to hear he's still fine

Yeah, by law the names should fulfill the following requirements: A) the name should indicate the child's gender, B) the name should be subject to the rules of Polish language (so no weird spellings), unless at least one of the parents is a foreigner or has a double citizenship, C) cannot be a diminutive, D) cannot be of commonly known nouns (like objects, flowers-we have exceptions, herbs, friuts-have one exception, cities, etc.), E) cannot be insulting or potentially insulting. F) If the name is taken from another language and has a Polish euivalent of this name, it has to be spelled accordingly to rules of Polish language, e.g. ENG Jane - PL Joanna (we have the equivalent), ENG Kevin - PL Kewin (we don't have the equivalent, so we just spell it accordingly to PL language, but Kewin isn't anything near to popular like e.g. Alan).
So that's why we can't name a child Melisa, because it's a noun and it means a herb. Atmoshpere may not sound nicely in English, but in Polish it's Atmosfera, and it basically only breaks the D) and maybe the E) rule. It's just like with your name, Amber sounds nicely in English, but in Polish it's Bursztyn (try typing it to google translate and make it pronoune it, it really doesn't sound well) and it would be a masculine name, as I wrote before, gems are masculine words in PL. And of course it breaks a few rules for naming in Poland But I've heard that in some English-speaking countries some people named their daughters names like Chlamydia or Phelony or their sons A, C, Abcdefg, so I really prefer Atmosphere compared to that xD

Yeah, it takes a lot out of you, sometimes it feels you just try to stop being yourself just to please someone else... But I don't think my bf demands huge changes, only ones that would make my life easier, like not being so scared of everything new/old/pretty much literally anything. It's for my own good, so I don't mind, and I think he's worth trying to change myself. I won't chnage myself for my grandma tho, I simply don't agree with her point of view ont thigns.

Poop, man. Maybe you can help your mom organize things and clean stuff up then.

I don't like inconveniencing people, either, but I'd rather not lie about who I am while doing that. I'd rather distance myself from people if I'm inconveniencing them than to change myself.

Yeah, he's a native speaker, but his mom's American and his dad's a bit of a redneck so he has weird speech patterns and pronunciations that's not so common around here.

So there you go. You aren't a crazy lady who only cares about his sperm.

Raine, I see. I wouldn't be too crazy about hanging out with someone like that, either, then.

I DID totally call in to work. I crawled back in bed and stayed there for the rest of the morning. lol

I should either way... but first she has to find some time for that, she keeps running like crazy, home-work-boyfriend and so on.

That's what I really wanna do with my family ;__; And I did that with my elementary school "friends". They called me a liar, but I was 100% true, and jsut probably shared too much detail for their tastes... btw, am I talking too much? I just felt I shared too many inconvenient information...

I had to google redneck, lol XD I get it

But it seems I'm with him for my selfish desire to feel safe and loved... which is human and perfectly normal, right? I feel guilty even for feeling that