Rotting fruit is not a bad smell. It's just very sweet.

Can I interest you in some sweat-soaked fitness magazines?

No. Your proposal was a 1:1 story exchange. You don't get Robotech for the price of Macross.

I don't like garlic salt. I only like garlic powder and salt separately. How much salt is in that stuff, anyway? We can't know.

I have not been Netflixing. My only friend is Youtube TV right now. The Olympics are on it. And if I'm paying $35 tomorrow to keep watching after my free trial, I am going to enjoy it as much as possible. Once that's done, I'd like to keep using Netflix, yeah. I need to finish Secret Healer. It's very important.

I... don't agree??? I think it smells pretty bad??? And mixed with stinky bird poop, I think would be very bad.

Yes. Give them to me.

But right now, you're offering a 1:0.75 story exchange. You're offering me the American version of Pokemon with all the questionable episodes removed without explanation.

How do you not like garlic salt? Bless garlic salt. Embalm me with garlic salt when I die. It makes everything better.

Since when are you paying for Youtube TV? Sounds very expensive. What do you get with that?

You can't even smell. How is this a problem for you?

I didn't say I would give them to you. I asked if you were interested. Your response has been filed. Thank you.

Do you not like Pokemon? I thought you liked Pokemon. The missing episodes never seemed to bother you all that much, at the time. This is a good deal.

That sounds disgusting. Would that work? I thought more than salt was required for embalming.

It's $35/month after the free trial week. I need it to watch the Olympics. I'll quit once the month is up. Mostly I get broadcast tv and some cable, but of course not Inkmaster. Of course. I do get DVR, though, so I can watch Olympics that I miss, too.

Aaaaaaaand we return to our regularly scheduled conversation.

I smell some things. Sometimes smells sneak up on me. Like spoiled milk--I'll be drinking it for days, and then suddenly open the jug and die because it's turned into some sort of horrific cheese without my noticing.

I liked the Pokemon anime when I was 7, yes. I had very low standards when I was 7, and it was pretty episodic, anyway. I have slightly higher standard for non-episodic fanfictions that I read today. I know that "having standards for fanfiction" is a foreign concept for you.

Well, it wouldn't be a proper embalming, but it would probably turn me into delicious garlic human jerky. Not a bad end for my mortal shell.

How long are you stuck with this service? Does it only provide live TV?

Hi.

If they sneak up on you, it's because you have failed to smell them for too long. Your death by spoiled milk smell is your own fault.

Please explain it to me. I am confused.

That sounds revolting. You don't turn an entire human into jerky. Think of the hair! What would that be like stuck between your teeth?

Only a month. It is live tv plus DVR.

Well, yeah, it's my own fault. But it still means I'm capable of smelling smells. Stanking stinks? Eventually. I was drinking some bad milk this past weekend before I figured out why my cereal tasted so funny.

In my case, "having standards" means that I endlessly click through the archives on AO3 without reading anything, then get really really frustrated and choose something inoffensive-looking at random. 98% of the time it's a cringey songfic or weird niche fetish fic or something. It's a wonderful way to live.

I'm not sure how we got from "Preserve me in garlic salt" to "Please have cannibals eat my corpse", but sure, okay. I trust that the cannibals will exercise good judgment on which parts of my jerky are good to eat.

Too bad it doesn't include non-live TV. That might actually be useful. Are you getting any use out of it now that the Olympics is over?

That is disgusting. I am disgusted.

So you have impossible standards until you break down and have zero standards and zero taste. I see. And my way is shameful?

What else would you do with a salted garlic jerky mummy? Really, what? It was the next inevitable phase.

I haven't bothered yet because there was snow to shovel and I'm sort of trying to catch up on my emails while being distracted because I didn't want to walk to the office after shoveling today. Great day. How much media have you already consumed post-Olympics?

Half of our recent exchanges have involved you being disgusted. Have you considered that you are too susceptible to grossness?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And yes, your way is shameful. All of that rEadInG and FinDIng gOOd sToRiEs. You should feel bad.

Admittedly, both jerky and human mummies have been considered food at some time or another, but I think that most people still wouldn't have made that leap in this particular case. I don't think that anyone ate that sea captain who was preserved in booze, either. These days eating preserved humans is not as popular as it once was.

Okay, that was poorly phrased. I wasn't asking if you had already watched anything so much as I was asking what you were planning to watch.
And, for the record, between the end of the sports part of the Olympics, and Monday, I had already watched half of The Defenders.
I'm jealous you have snow, though. We keep zigzagging between 25 and 50 degrees.

Anything to do with spoiled milk is too gross for me. You can decide if I'm too susceptible.

Are you being a spongebob meme right now? Is that what this is?

It doesn't count as jerky if you powder it first. The preserved captain would have started looking pretty good if they'd wrecked on an island. It's like a human fruitcake.

Oh. Well, I wanted to watch Inkmaster, but Paramount Network isn't included. I'll probably just finish up my DVR stuff and cancel my subscription, then go back to Hannibal and Secret Healer.
The rest of The Tick season 1 is out. I could lend you my Prime password if you want. I haven't seen it yet, though.

We are going to hit 40 almost every day this week. The snow is relying on its incredible bulk for survival, but it's not looking good.

Dad said you finally decided that the piece of useless garbage is a piece of useless garbage. Frankly I am hurt that you would think that about me.
Did you get a new computer yet? Does it do all of the normal computer things?
Can you attach it to your tablet and finish the Quiz shirt?

Other things you have also recently called "disgusting" or "revolting": garlic human jerky, garlic salt in general, sesame potato.
It's not the spoiled milk. It's you. You are very delicate, apparently.

I like to think that the weird capitalization predates its use in the spongebob meme. Either way, it is a useful way of expressing a certain tone of voice through typing.

According to the jerky episode of Iron Chef America, it still counts as jerky once powdered. And I don't think that starving humans should count as a representative sample of modern humanity for the purpose of surveying who would or would not engage in cannibalism.

Yes. Lend me your password. Please. Or, once you've seen it, at least. Right now I'm busy watching Queer Eye, which is a thing I did not think I would do, but I was experiencing weird choice paralysis at the Netflix browsing screen and it called to me. It's weirdly uplifting and life-affirming.

I haven't seen snow in weeks. Even filthy piles of lingering bulk snow would be nice right now. I hope that next week gets colder for you, though.

Yeah, I got a new computer. Does all the standard computer things. For some reason, it has a powerful aura of masculinity, so even though I never anthropomorphized my old computer, I can't help but conclude that this one is a man named Simon.
When do you need the Quiz shirt design by?

When is your spring break? Mine is March 12-16. Should I come home for a few days?