I just don't know what to do with myself. Does anyone know this?

When I was little, there was this goal in my life: to build my own family one day.
There was Kindergarten, there was school and other dutys. After that I went to work. Now the family isn't an option anymore, due to personality disorder (the possibility of passing my illness to my kids) and other personal stuff.

Next week begins my rehab and after that I hope for occupational re-training because my job in a retail store wasn't meant for me (over 15 years). But I feel so lost. I never had specific interests.

This is not a search for meaning of life. For me it is beeing with people I like, to do stuff that is fun. I like reading, I love my dog and my husband. And I would love to work at an office. And other than that?

There is nothing in my life I achieved. Nothing I know enough about to talk to other interested people. (You know, my english also isn't as good as it could be.)

Okay, I may have problems with concentration, but I have had time enough to do something, to fight my stupidity. (I feel so uneducated...) And never did. That is a shame. But it is not to late. Even with 35 I can change it. But how?

Where do I start? How do I formulate a goal? How much time will it cost?

Did anyone ever felt like that? How did you find your way in life?

I totally know how you feel.

Can you please elaborate regarding what personality disorder you have and what the risk would be regarding passing it on to your children?

What type of rehab are you going to be participating in? And how is it going to help?

Do you think that maybe you are depressed? You must be able to find something in your life that you feel that you have achieved. You are a loyal wife to your husband. I am sure that that must make you feel successful in something. Your marriage is something that makes you happy, right?

Have you thought about going back to school? It is never really too late.

For me, I feel like my life is going the way it is going because of the choices that I have made. I am a mother but I do not have my daughter in my care right now and that hurts everyday. But I am not going to stop fighting for her because since having her I feel that she is my life's purpose and she deserves a mother. She needs me and I need to keep doing what I am doing to attempt to get her back.

Meags wrote:I totally know how you feel.

Can you please elaborate regarding what personality disorder you have and what the risk would be regarding passing it on to your children?

Anxious avoiding personality disorder - a few years ago I thought it was Borderline, because I have similar symptoms. There is a genetic component when you have a personality disorder which could mean to pass it.
But also I would be the person to parenting this children and they would learn from my behaviour. I can't explain this very well, my english is not good enough for speaking on medical things.
I searched for answers online: https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatm ... -down.html

What type of rehab are you going to be participating in? And how is it going to help?

There will be group therapy and exercises. And of course the important personal/single therapy (here again I can't really express the situation). But I don't really know what else.
Our pension system wants to know if I am able to participate a re-training. And then there is the possibility to test my skills for different jobs - but I don't know if this is happening.

Do you think that maybe you are depressed? You must be able to find something in your life that you feel that you have achieved. You are a loyal wife to your husband. I am sure that that must make you feel successful in something. Your marriage is something that makes you happy, right?

Yes I am. And I am on medication and go to a behaviour therapist. Last year I was in hospital and later in a day hospital because of my depression. I wait since september to continue the treatment. It's exhausting not beeing able to do something. It would have been easier to search a new employment but there are the chances higher that my depression gets worse.
Actually my husband was one day last year at the day hospital to speak with me and one caregiver and the psychologist. That was surprising because my husband has an higher opinion on me as I had thought. That is really assuasive. And I am happy with him. I can be myself around him.

Have you thought about going back to school? It is never really too late.

It would be a dream to go to college. I never thought this would be a possibility for me. I only finished secondary school - and even there I wasn't really good. I think that maybe I know more about my future after this rehab.

For me, I feel like my life is going the way it is going because of the choices that I have made. I am a mother but I do not have my daughter in my care right now and that hurts everyday. But I am not going to stop fighting for her because since having her I feel that she is my life's purpose and she deserves a mother. She needs me and I need to keep doing what I am doing to attempt to get her back.

That sounds sad. I feel sorry to hear that. But I can relate to your feeling. I can't quite imagine how it is to you, but I feel with you. Can I ask you where your doughter is right now? And I wish you all the best. Keep going.

You know, I was always one to believe that personality disorders develop over time. Not something that you are born with. I understand what you mean though by not wanting to raise a child if you are struggling with this condition. Learned behaviours, I suppose. I am sorry that you are not able to have children because of this. But what if you were to become pregnant?

The rehabilitation that you are going to be participating in seems like it is going to benefit you a lot. I am hoping for your sake that you gain some insight into what your goal in life is. Feeling purposeless is such a wretched feeling. How long have you been feeling like this?

So, you have been diagnosed with depression. How are those symptoms? Medication is so important when dealing with some of the symptoms of depression. It makes me happy that you have the support of your husband and given that you can be yourself around him is going to do a lot for your mental health. But you need to find a happy medium. Do you spend a lot of time by yourself?

Is there anywhere in your community where you would be able to upgrade your marks from secondary school? That is what I am doing right now. It is something to consider...Especially if you are not pleased with how you performed in high school.

Thank you! Thank you. My daughter lives with her dad full-time and the reason being is because of my struggles with substance use and addiction. I would say that I was depressed for a long time and would use substance to suppress the feelings that I was feeling. Without substance, I am left to deal with them like a normal person. I know that I am more than capable of being the mother that my daughter deserves. I just have a lot of proofing myself to do. Thank you for your encouragement. You are very kind.

If you need someone to talk to, I would be delighted to talk to you whenever I am able to.

You are not alone.

I always just focus on something that I like and get carried away working on it. It's been raising money for a no kill shelter, working with dogs and cats, building an aquarium, redecorating my room, going back to college, cooking, working on art, reading books, learning new languages, traveling, etc. You're never too old to do anything. I read the other day about a 90+ year old man who just graduated form college! There are elderly body builders too. So, try a few things out if need be to find something that clicks.

Personality disorders are definitely genetic. That is why some people develop them under stress and others do not. You will not develop a disorder that you do not have the genes for. Kids raised by parents with these disorders are more likely to develop them due to the stressful environment. It's a very serious ordeal.

Sorry for disappearing. It is hard for me to write in this forum, I need more concentration for this. So my rehab is over. I lost a few pounds because of all the sports there.
Now I am more positive when I think of the future. The doctors from the rehab support my wish for the re-training.

I made yoga and progressive muscle relaxation. There were different groups, in one I build a new approximation-goal (don't know the word for it). "I feel hold and am relaxed. I enjoy my canny presence." I have to repeat this seven times a day for 90 days or something like that.

I enjoyed water gymnastics and the bicycle ergometer. That means I am going to do sports more often.

And then I got a follow-up care group - the details aren't discussed yet.

Well, I really can enjoy reading again! And I learned some cooking skills. For the next week I am going to make a plan for each day so that I can build a routine.