So my parents buy the stuff to make cigarettes. It's so they can save money. They have the machine and everything. Yet, yesterday because my mom's hands hurt and my dad didn't want to make any, they went out and bought a couple of packs of cigarettes. Okay I understand why Mom didn't make any because her hands hurt. But seriously? Dad didn't want to make any because he was feeling lazy?! Really?!

So I growled about how I think it's a waste of money. Well, because I'm off my anti-depressants until next month when I see my psychologist, my parents pay me no mind. Seriously. They think the only reason I'm bitching is because I don't have my meds. Not that I'm pissed they're wasting money on something all they have to do is make or do without for a while. No they think I'm bitching because I don't have my meds. When I'm on my meds I bring it up once and then I just let it go because no one listens anyways. And when I'm off them they just think I'm so vocal about it it because I'm off my meds.

And then my dad had the f**king balls to mumble "It's not your money anyways." NO BUT YOU'RE MORE THAN HAPPY TO USE MY MONEY (when I have it) FOR YOUR F**KING ADDICTION AND GET UPSET IF I SAY NO! I SAY NO AND THEY DON'T WANT TO EVEN GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY. THEY'RE ALL "OH WE HELP YOU WHEN YOU NEED IT!" WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT WASTING MY MONEY ON SOMETHING I COULD MAKE MYSELF! And then I make a comment about it's a no wonder I'm never able to buy myself something once in a while they're all like "What was it you wanted?" or "You could have." NO! I COULDN'T BECAUSE BY THE TIME I WANT TO BUY SOMETHING FOR ME, WE DON'T HAVE THE F**KING MONEY BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT CIGARETTES WHEN YOU COULD HAVE JUST MADE THEM!!" But no one listens. If I'm on my meds I have to just brush it off otherwise they make me feel like a bad person for not buying their cigs. But when I'm off my meds, "Oh she's just off her meds, ignore her." Once she has her meds she'll be quiet.

And now I'm really pissed because my parents (although my mom denies this) were going to let me buy a book on how to draw fantasy maps. You see when I'm depressed and I have no meds, I have this habit of wanting to buy things when I'm upset, which is super not good. I end up regretting it and then I get really upset with myself. And I wanted to buy a how to draw fantasy maps book, so I can finally place everything in order to write my story. Yes I could really use it and my parents and I all agree it's not easy for my dad to find spare time to help me. And any time he does have he's usually sleeping or doing something he wants or doing something for my mom. I can understand, this is more something I need to do myself. Well as I said, I'm upset especially due to the cigarette buying incident and then I started thinking how I want a book on how to draw fantasy maps. And they were going to let me order it tomorrow when we have money. The ONLY reason they would let me is to shut me up! They don't want to listen to me bitch anymore, so they figure buying me this book (since I haven't been paid yet, but my dad gets paid tomorrow) it'll shut me up and make me happy and I won't bitch about them wasting money or being upset. At least for awhile.
So now I'm super angry that they'd let me buy something while upset. YOU DO NOT LET ME BUY THINGS WHEN I'M UPSET BECAUSE I'LL REGRET IT!! THEY KNOW THAT!!! But this time they were just because they didn't want to deal with me. So I told them I'm not getting the book anytime soon. And they can't order it for me, because right now I'm the only one with an amazon account and my dad isn't interested in setting up one and my mom doesn't know how to. Also they don't know what book I want so they can't just blindly order for me. Otherwise I'll be mad if it's not the right one.