Quarantine hasn't changed my life much except for the following: extremely increased stress levels and an excessive amount of loneliness.
I work in a grocery store, so in terms of jobs my life hasn't changed, except that I feel at risk every single day. I am so scared every day and I am simply waiting for it to be my turn. Will I survive it? Will I notice it? Will I accidentally infect everyone while I hardly show any symptoms but do carry the virus? That's what I refer to in regards to stress levels.
Then the loneliness, I hardly see anyone anymore. Customers don't count; those are rather draining, actually. I am too scared to meet anyone because I feel like I am a hazard as grocery store worker, and all group events are cancelled in general. It's almost a year since I got kinda depressed and I feel punched in the face especially hard since the virus came around. I'm an introvert, but having no contact with people I care about, gosh... it's lonely. I caught myself in a habit of pushing people away to avoid them wanting to hang out with me, just because I feel like I could be a danger to everyone with my risky job.
So I've been handling it pretty badly. I'm also finding out that my autism and I are not doing very well at working fulltime, so I decreased my hours of work, which has led to an income that leaves me in a questionable situation... while at the same time it hasn't helped. My energy levels are still so poor that I often just lie on the couch, wanting to be useful while being unable to get myself to do anything. I've had few times where I found myself just falling asleep on the couch (and nothing is wrong with my sleeping pattern, I do take pride in that, I hit 7-8 hours most nights). I think most of my issues with my job is the irregular hours much more than the amount of hours anyway, and yeah, I am looking for something else.
I do want to say I am extremely grateful I graduated the year before this mess happened, I don't know how I'd be if I were still in college. Just counting my blessings over here.
I've been considering getting a cat to fight the loneliness, but my apartment complex might get taken down due to an event earlier this year and I don't want to deal with moving a pet... I know they can handle it, I just don't feel comfortable with it.
I even urge to believe what hit me most is all the Comic Con's being cancelled, but only because I was finally going to meet my favourite actor, I had a meet&greet booked and everything. I know it's silly and petty, but I can't help the way I feel. I miss wandering around all the little shops and the artist alley, too... having an excuse to wear cosplay (we don't celebrate Halloween here).
Gosh, sorry for the massive rant, but it feels nice to do it somewhere where no one I know can read it.
(0) (0) |
|